An Extraordinary Life Examined.
Notes and views on being an EX-Wife, Mother, Felon and Citizen of the world. This is my personal journey of how I am moving forward with grace and tenderness.
I was thoughtfully tagged by one of my FAVORITE Blogging Brothers, Stephen Best of Morphological Confetti I always come away from his blog with a sense of feeling like I just taken a humanities, world history, world culture, American history CLASS! Yes he is Divine! Anyway he is asking what 25 Writers influence my writing? Well I can't be as bold to say they have influenced my writing but I love these folks and they write and tell stories leaving me feeling hopeful, loving and thoughtful about the world. It has taken me a few days to give this some real thought so here goes:
I am a woman for fairy tales, romance novels, sweeping love stories and Happily Ever After. I do believe in true love. I do believe in kismet, fate...divine providence. Believing all those things doesn't mean I am waiting for Prince Charming, or Mr. Right. I am neither desperate or indifferent. I am open to love.
In this time of self-discovery, discernment and growth I realize that what I want, resides in me. That as I become more of myself, my soul mate will reflect that. I am my happily ever after. I do not say that in defeat. I say it in celebration. I am a complete woman. I am a woman who welcomes sharing my life, soul, heart with another.
Rows and flows of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds * that way
But now they only block the sun They rain and snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way you feel As ev'ry fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show You leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions I recall I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud To say "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I've changed Well something's lost, but something's gained In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all I've looked at life from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all
We all have our stories filled with drama, heartache, adversity, births, deaths, loss, gains and love. We all have friends who have the same stories and often they are closely linked with our own. Intertwined and interwoven. I share my pain of woe and dread they share theirs. I invite them to celebrate my joys and they invite me back. We are all connected like a patch quilt...like family.
I cannot live their story. They cannot live mine. I have to live my own story. It is easy to let the voice of dearest friends and loved ones whisper in my ear as to what to do. Sometimes their whispers are louder than what's in my heart and mind. We are so connected to each other that when I say aaahhh, they say chooo. But at some point you have to be the ultimate decider of the course of your life. You have to be the one that says this is what I want, this is what I am doing and this is how its going to be. THAT'S IT!
Part of living your own story is letting others live theirs. Giving them the same room for discernment, reflection and meditative thought. We cannot impress our will onto others. We have to respect someone else' process of discernment even if it makes no sense to us, or even if we feel it will cause that person more pain in the end. We must live our own story.
Love hopes all things, abides all things. Love does not say live for another. We each have our own stories. Live your story.
Regardless of where you are on your life's journey you come across situations, people and challenges that can suck you in. I mean suck you in and make you think that pyrite is gold. Yes it's shiny but has no value. All that glitters is definitely not gold.
The illusion of love is like that. All glittery and sparkly...attentive...sexy...seemingly trustworthy and honorable. Someone can say all the right things and touch you in all the right ways but when the shit hits the fan they bail. Sure the excuses are grand and convincing. They have a history of heartache and they never quite trust...whatever. We all got a story.
What I know for sure is the love I need and want has to be equal to the love I give. Not in competition but in truth. I cannot forsake all I want for the shiny pyrite because I think I have struck gold. It's like forcing a big square into a tiny circle, it won't work!
We tell ourselves little lies to stay rooted in mess. We turn off our minds to feel the addiction of false love. We cling to false whispers of love and commitment. We begin to believe the bullshit and can recite it with conviction. Why yes there is evidence of intimacy and good intentions...that's how the game works. That's Pimp Move 101. If you will tolerate the small injustices you will tolerate the bigger ones. If you don't walk away then you are consumed. You stand there tyring to make sense out of the unreasonable. Trying to go over where it all went wrong. Missing the fact that you learned a lesson to move you further to your heart's deep desires. Keep it moving...put the pyrite down and hold out for gold!
Perhaps this is a post about settling for the first shiny thing that comes along. I stand guilty. Perhaps this is a post about seeing the pyrite and trying to pass it off as gold. I stand guilty. Or perhaps this is another life lesson giving me more skills for the road ahead. Still I stand guilty!.
I want the real thing. Not the imitation. Not the fool's gold. The real thing. And I shall have it.
There is nothing more powerful, life changing, uplifting, scary, amazing, calming, satisfying than those three words strung together. Children are created on the promise of these words. Lives transformed by these words.
What gives them power? What makes these three words bring joy to many and apprehension and disbelief in others? I am convinced that it is the intentions behind these words. The feelings and the history all rolled into one. I believe it is the Divinity's way of connecting us soul to soul. It is more than breathless kisses, and moonlight walks. It is the extending of one's self for the sake of another and being fine if the favor is not returned. Love is self-less...but not foolish. Love does not call for remaining in pain and unhappiness for the sake of another. Sometimes you gotta walk away for Love's sake. Sometimes the call to love is one that we each hear for ourselves. To love ourselves first. To be our best selves first.
Words indeed have power. It is our attachment and understanding of the words that give us the meaning and feelings. Like when you hear a song that speaks directly to you. It is as if that singer is singing directly to you about you.
I love you is the sweetest. Hearing I love you back is even sweeter.
As I go about the business of building this new life that includes dating, romance and dare I say love. I am ever mindful of the traps of romantic love: Roses, rose colored glasses and an orchestra playing Love Is A Many Splendid Thing. Don't get me wrong I am a girl for all that too.
The reality of loveships are people connecting with flaws, human frailties and fears. We all have them. The tricky part is accepting them in each other. Do you believe my strengths are greater than my shortcomings. And if you believe they are, can you live happily ever after with all of me. The beautiful and the not so beautiful. There is no perfection. There is no right. There is only a willingness to make it a go. A willingness to love inspite of human frailties.
All I have is all that I am. There are days when I can scale the castle walls with bravado, sword in hand. And then there are days when I can barely climb out of bed and want to retreat from a harsh world (those are few and far between). Sometimes I am charming beyond compare and my witty self is dazzling. There are also days when I am snarky, snippy and down right mean and nasty. I am a lover of life and few are strangers to me. I laugh with gusto and I love with abandon. I am a woman deeply rooted in the here and now.
Loving me requires LOVING ALL OF ME! Not just the parts that are charming and smart and loving and beautiful and pleasant. But the parts that aren't. Loving me means you gotta support my dreams and cheer me on and hold my hand and hug me and make love to me with great passion and desire. Loving Me All requires this.
There is no perfection in my being, except that I am perfect to God...my creator. There is no right unless I am teaching my children to treat folks the way they want to be treated.
I know February 14th conjures up all kinds of emotions for folks. From absolute hatred to sheer delight. There are some who will opine about the commercialism of it all. Others will lament that love ought to be celebrated every day and still others just don't get it at all. I concur that they are ALL RIGHT! But so what?
My experience of Valentine's Day is commercial, and corny and sappy and emotion filled and celebrated everyday! See I have come to know that I get to have the experience of the day any way that I want. St. Valentine's Day is special to me. It has always been so. Even before my marriage, and even after it's demise. I love the energy of this day. I love going out and seeing men sweating to find a dozen roses. I love being in the pharmacy and some young man asks me if I like the card he picked for his mother.
The day is about taking a breath and exhaling LOVE! It is thinking of someone far and dear. Yes we can certainly do that any day of the week in any month. That's not the point. The point is as I see it, we just pause and extend ourselves all at once. One big collective I LOVE YOU! Surely that changes the world even if for that one day. And that is why this day is so special to me. It has far reaching effects. Many are focused on this day whether joyously or not they can't help but whisper, speak, rattle-off, smirk, sing LOVE! That's it! A collective love thought going around the world.
Enjoy the day. Let it be for you whatever your heart desires. LET LOVE RULE!
Michael Henderson & Jean Carn "Valentine Love" This is one of MY FAVORITE SONGS EVER!
While downtown with time left on the meter after running some errands in City Hall. I strolled around the corner to one of my favorite shops...the English Market. I popped in and hung around for a bit and bought a vintage hat to go with a coat I have that needed this hat..LOL! It was $10...so in my budget!
I left the English Market and decided to stop into Beauty Plus. A black-owned beauty supply store/gallery/boutique/card shop/greek paraphernalia business. I had it in my mind to just browse for wigs. I mean, as my sister-friend JB's said...who's permission do you need?
I bought a curly shoulder length wig with a few blonde and light brown strands. The Lady working in the store was too nice. She said the only real way to know if a wig is right for you is to try a few. So I did. I started very conservatively...straight with a bit of a bang...so not me! The next one was very curly and very short, looked like a nest...Not for me! The third one was the charm. Conjures up images of rock stars and chartreuse's on some smokey stage singing...My Man. LOL! Yes! all that from a wig!
My intentions was to wear my new wig on Friday to a Valentine's Day Party. But I decided to rock it yesterday. Let me tell you the moment I put it on, it felt like the universe shifted. I had new found VIXEN ENERGY! Everywhere I went yesterday folks...I mean MEN! Just fell over themselves complimenting me and looking at me and being super friendly. Now It's a wig. I know it's just a wig, but the real power of the wig is not the wig itself, but ME. Me changing the energy surrounding ME. Me peeling away the mommy mode and embracing the sexy. LOL!
I needed that attitude adjustment yesterday. The power of the wig is just what this Mommy needed. Recapturing my inner sexy! And letting it shine through! I have decided I like wearing a wig and will get a few more. I like the feeling I get of changing my look with little effort and commitment. I mean I had dreadlocks for 12 years and now I am wearing my hair razored to my scalp and I love it. But a wig gives you more options to express and for me that would be my inner sexy. Ha...now onto the outer body!
Yesterday on twitter a Sister tweeted (twitter speak for posting) how sad and hurt she was for the recent ending of her marriage. I could feel her pain. I can always feel her sense of sadness and despair and hurt in her tweets. Even her photo of herself is sad. You can see the hurt in her eyes and overall expression in that little tiny photo. What struck me more than anything was my willingness to say it will get better.
It struck me funny that I would say that to someone! I mean I know that pain. Here I am 2 years out from my marriage with the divorce being finalized as I write. It seems so long ago that I was so distraught and deeply wounded by the ending of my marriage. A marriage that I fully held in high regard and thought truly til death do us part. The revelation of that not being true hurt like hell. And left me feeling inadequate, lonely and worthless.
Love is in the air! I am so no that woman today. It is amazing what the human spirit can endure and get through if we but only keep our eyes lifted and our hearts open. Our first instinct in the ending our of loveships is to shut down and retreat. But if you do the internal work of healing and caring for yourself and your heart, then love will certainly show up. The Course in Miracles says Love waits on welcome not on time. It is never about time. It is all about what you are open to. And being open means being fearless. Or maybe that is hard to digest. Perhaps I can say, not letting the fear paralyze you or cripple you , or keep you from moving about the world with an open heart. I use my fear to propel me out in the world and into a loving existence.
I am now excited about dating. Just a few weeks ago I was terrified. But my beautiful children reminded me in their wacky-ass way..."Mom you gotta get out and wear high heels and get a nice man who will like us too" and I knew in that moment God was whispering go...live free!
So to that Sister on twitter who's heart is broken and everything seems dismal and hurts and you think maybe you can go back or second guess your decisions or his decision. HOLD ON! HOLD ON! Brighter days really are ahead. That you will notice the sun shining and the sound of yourself laughing will be like an old friend returning. You will catch a glimpse of your new self in the mirror and know in that moment that yes you've come far, but look how FABULOUS YOU ARE NOW!
I learned a very good life lesson this weekend. See I approached Torrance, Raw Dawg Buffalo and Kelso last summer to do Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio. I believe then as I do now that we could have a lively discussion based on topics Torrance would choose or we would use from his blog. So far so good.
Well the last couple of shows have been very combative. Mainly my feelings got hurt because I felt attacked and maligned. Perhaps this a bit heavy handed, but these are my feelings nonetheless. I have vented my feelings to Sista GP and have asked her to step in to produce the show. I did this without even having a conversation with my partners Torrance and Kelso. I was mad. I just wanted to remove myself from this, thinking I would feel better and be done with it. I am wrong all the way around and I know it for sure.
But the truth of the matter is, I was acting like a brat. I was running away from something that was causing me discomfort and instead of making those feelings known I internalized, pouted and withdrew. I have done this all of my life. If I am really upset I withdraw. I get quiet. I disappear. I stop talking and I go about the world as if the thing that caused me pain didn't exist.
Torrance reminded me that your word is your bond. That you do what you say you are going to do. Never in my life has this resonated with me until this morning. NO one has ever called me out on not keeping my word...EVER. He texted me and reminded me that He put his time, faith and trust in me and here I am walking out. I am walking out in a very cowardly and petty way. It was like a light bulb went off...an epiphany. I understand. My actions are connected to others commitment. Not to mention dragging Sista GP into this drama, who only wanted to help and be the voice of calm and reason.
I created this drama. So what to do when you lose some credibility with folks? What to do when you have to try to salvage trust? Hhmm perhaps there are more life lessons here than I originally thought.
Regardless of what happens I learned something about HONOR, VALOR and LOVE. My word is all I got. My actions are all I got. I can talk shit all day but what am I willing to do and what do I stand for.
THANKS TORRANCE, KELSO AND SISTA GP FOR TEACHING ME. I am afterall a woman in transition.
One of the things that I like best about myself is my intuition. My real ability to feel deeply about things, places and people. I know when things aren't right, or when I am unhappy and I can pretty much pin point the source of the discomfort. The problem arises when I ignore what I know and feel to be true.
Today was a turning point of sorts. What I've known for a long time has finely become clearer. I ignored my own intuition, thinking that perhaps what I knew to be true was just be my imagination. Mistake #1.
No one's opinion of how I think and feel super cedes my opinion of what I think and feel...about the world, the stars the moon or me. Mistake #2
I know full well how the power of suggestion works. I know what manipulation is. If you allow someone to use it on you...you get what you get. Mistake#3
When people tell you who they are, believe them. Do not romanticize their meanness, nastiness, coldness and disrespect. Mistake #4
I own my time. How I spend it is my choice. Giving my time to someone who is undeserving is my fault. Mistake #5
My circle of friends is small and intimate. They know how to love, care and protect me. You cannot call anyone your friend on a whim. Mistake #6
If someone cares about you they do not hurt you. If they do they do not try to make it seem as though their hurting you is your fault. Mistake #7
Stupid is as stupid does. Mistake #8
If someone doesn't bring out the best in you, you do not need them in your circle. Trying to make sense out of the senseless is wasting time. Mistake #9
There is no convincing in love. There is no convincing in friendship. Not realizing those truths is painful. Mistake #10
Yesterday's post inspired today's post. My Blog Brother Rich Fitzgerald of the blog, The Rich House commented. "Sometimes wasting time allows you time to refuel, so it's not really wasted time, it's necessary". That stayed with me. Maybe I was looking at it all wrong. AH HA!
Maybe what I am doing is NOT WASTING TIME but in fact another way to refuel? Hhmm. It got me thinking about that in a different way. What I was missing in my analysis yesterday was the lack of care for myself. I was being harder on myself than necessary. What was eating me was this sense of not getting what I want. I wrapped it in the notion of wasting time.
I want what I want NOW! Even as I know I am not prepared for it! Ah HA! more illumination! So here I am remixing yesterdays post for better clarity. I am feeling a lot more insightful about my time and the desires to accomplish EVERYTHING!
So I am chilling out on the wasting time thing. I am going to work on being sweeter to myself.
I went to bed last night with too much on my mind. I slept fitfully. Old haunts are back. Slowly I am finding myself worrying about shit. Not a lot but enough to mess with my rest. My mind is racing and I am trying to do a million things all at once. I am not at ease.
When I get like this I tend to be excessive in goings and comings...everything has a sense of urgency. I am moving too fast. I am not in the moment. There is much to do and nothing I am excited about.
That's it! There is nothing that I am excited about! Ah HA! I feel the need to be still and quiet and let the divinity direct me. When I start to notice that nothing excites me then I have to step back, catch my breath and listen. The world can't excite me. The excitement has to be from within.
I am wasting time with things, people and situations that do not make me happy, do not bring me joy or even make me smile. I know better. I have gone over my life with a fine tooth comb. I know real joy and happiness. What I am doing now is pretending and it is not enough. And it's not bringing me what I want. So I am stopping it RIGHT NOW.
I am done wasting time. Now that does not mean I charge through the day like a fool on a mission. I am saying that every activity, every project every interaction with someone has to be one that I find pleasure in. Simple. And that I spend my time with purpose, even if its merely to take a nap. I am not going to fight a nap. (smile)
I am realizing that I have to be totally responsible for my happiness and I can see in areas of my life that I am not. Not deliberately, but not mindful either. So the wasting of time is, I suspect at the heart of a lot that is annoying me at the moment.
AAhhh time for more meditation and discernment on what My time really means to me and how to bring real pleasure into my life.
Love is all around us. All we have to do is be open to it. Love is all around us in the form of hellos and good-byes, smiles, tears, joy, hugs. No one walks the earth without love. We build the walls that keep us disconnected. We close our hearts after loveships have gone awry. We swear off love because we believe we have made bad love choices. Perhaps.
Ready or not...LOVE IS! We can steel our hearts all we want and make all the excuses in the world about not enough time for love. But really deep within us no one wants to sleep alone. There is deep and abiding pleasure in knowing that someone near or far holds you in their heart.
I am reminding myself to remain open to love. That all my loveships thus far bring me closer to the grandest love. The love of myself. See all the pain and all the heartache was designed to bring me closer to who I am. There are moments when I know this with great certainty and clarity.
In the stillness of the night I can hear my own heartbeat and I know for sure that I am ready for love.
This morning as I am making brunch for the children. I am caught up in a recurring fantasy a recurring day dream or perhaps a premonition of things to come.
It is very vivid and very detailed...takes my breath away. It starts with me in the kitchen beginning brunch not the kitchen of my current house. I am laying out all my ingredients, eggs, turkey bacon, asparagus. He comes in and kisses me good morning on my neck as he presses up against my back. He puts his hand over mine as I am whisking the eggs. He whispers in my ear come back to bed...I want you again. My heart skips a beat. I laugh and say Do you know we have a house full of hungry children who will not understand us going back to bed when they already smell breakfast. Sigh, he presses me further and I can feel his persuasion growing. Then I pull him into the pantry and....
Then I snap back into the here and now. I have been having this recurring dream for about a year now. Oh it changes, sometimes we are working in the yard, or we are doing something in the house, but it feels happy and secure and loving. I have no idea who this man is. I can't ever figure out who he is. His voice is rich and his hands and arms are always strong. And he loves me. And it is always connected to what I am doing at the moment. Like this morning making brunch, or last night after I hung up from chatting with a friend. That's all I know.
Those that know me, know of my highly intuitive nature. But this feels different. I have not had this type of seeing and knowing before. It pulls me in unexpectedly.
Perhaps there is a story to be told here. Or perhaps my inner self is wishing or maybe somewhere my destiny awaits.
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