Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I knew early on that I could not bear children; the abuse that I suffered as a child shattered my uterus. So I never really imagined myself with children. I did hope that if I did get married I would marry a man with children. Well I did get married and he had one daughter from his first marriage. I thought this was a great blessing. I could be a wonderful stepmother. I was a thoughtful, caring step-mother...if only she had better biological parents...LOL!

When we thought I was pregnant and found out that I was not, we were profoundly sad. So sad that we began thinking that children might be in our future. I starting jumping through infertility hoops. I mean so much time had passed since the orginal prognosis of infertility. I was no longer a kid. Medical technology had come a long way. Maybe. I had two surgeries to try to repair the uterus. I had tumors removed. I did the shots. I did the turkey baster and the sperm. You name it we did it. At the same time my husband(soon-to-be EX) suggested we look at adoption. The minute he said it, it was like the universe just opened up. The One Church One Child program was looking to recruit African-American families to adopt African-American children. We completed the course and became certified parents. Within weeks we started looking at children. Our first daughter arrived when she just turned 3 years old, Briana Lorraine (Lorraine is my Sister's name). We lavished her with all our love for 2 years before Margeaux arrived. Before Margeaux arrived I went to see another infertility specialist, who gave me a 2% chance of getting pregnant. We tried it all again. Finally I said enough. I dropped the remaining infertility drugs off to my Doctor to donate. By the time I got home that afternoon, we got a call about a newborn....we named her Margeaux Helena, after my Mom and my mother-in-law.

Next came Khalil Ross...named after his Father...my ex--it is his Muslim name and his English middle name, then Gregory Lockhart...Lockhart is my brother's middle name--one that is traced back to the time of slavery through our father and grand-father and great-grandfather and so on. Each child has their own story of abuse and abandonment. Stories that no child should have to experience.

It has been a joy that cannot be put into words. It is love that I have longed to have. I have found myself in these 4 children. They have saved my life and given me purpose and a fearlessness that I did not have before. I wanted more children. But that dream is quickly fading. I could if I had the means, adopt a couple more children (smile). Every child ought to have a decent and loving home. Every child needs to be loved and protected and cared about. This is my greatest success...providing a safe, and happy environment where they are loved and cared for all the time.

Don't get me wrong everyday is not a picnic. I scream and yell and may say a bad word or two, but at the end of the day I am their mother and they are my children and nothing and no one will harm them while I have breathe in my body. I know when I climb those stairs at night and peek in on each one, tucking covers, picking teddy bears and dolls up, moving books out beds and kissing foreheads, I know that whatever I have done and will do in my life will pale in comparison to raising these 4 amazing children.

So tomorrow I will finish up talking about some of my successes in my life. The effects of doing this is beginning to get me to think differently about who I am. That is a very good thing.


laurie said...


And this new project? Going to share any details? ;-)

Angie-Nuvision said...

Absolutely beautiful...
It is my prayer that one day I will get a chance to adopt. I hope that God answers my prayers.

NoRegrets said...

Yes, that is a very good thing.

Interesting to read this, as I am just getting divorced at the age of 42, with no kids. Had always expected to have kids. Didn't really want to do it on my own. We'll see what happens in the future.

Monique said...

I too never knew love until I had my son 5 weeks ago. Such a blessing to look at and raise a little life. To be a mother (biological or not) is the greatest blessing of all.

clnmike said...

That was a moving post.

Bless you and your kids.

Mizrepresent said...

Yes, Lovebabz, it is a very good thing...the love you've shown is wonderful, incredible, and i am so inspired by your journey...as always! Keep on doing honey...the rewards are sure to come, if they haven't already!

Aunt Jackie said...

I used to think i'd adopt, but now i'm not sure children are for me at all. but that could change.

your post was inspiring!

professor said...

my oldest was adopted when she was 6 months, and now she's 21...
in the end it really doesn't matter if you have them from the womb or not...cause my 13 year old gives me the same grief!
the only thing is, as they get older, the adopted child will and does exhibit behaviors that are genetically them...don't fight it...just love them for being YOUR child...cause even if they search for their bio parents, they will never lose the love they have for you, and they will always appreciate what you've done for them...

MsKnowitAll said...

Beautiful Sister Lovebabz,

Thank you for sharing your truth.
Your children are blessed to have you as their mother.

You are a fine example of the virtuous woman.
Proverbs 31:10-31

Moanerplicity said...

Wow! I'm very impressed by this entry.

You, by your involvement in things outside of the self, your dedication to making things and people in crisis situations better, your hands-on projects outside of the Me, Myself & I-isms of this life, are to be lauded, my Sista.

To me, that makes you a True Citizen of The World!

We need MORE like YOU!

Right on! Right on!



sista gp said...

i did not realize until I had my one that I wanted more. it is too late now, unless adoption...never know what the future holds...

the step-mother thing did not work out as I hoped.