Tuesday, February 18, 2014

He's Gone. I am Here. Love Remains.

At 50 I have learned to accept that sadness is a part of being alive.  That hurt feelings, lost love and a broken heart are reminders of the breath I take and what the depth of being alive is all about.

My first instincts are always to run away and hide out... I am the queen of self imposed exile.  But this time I am going to press through fully embracing the fear, pain and heartache.  Now I know how to press through.  This time I mean press through with a real awareness of the pain and fear and heart ache.

It is not the same kind of leaving that Mr. Exhusband did.  With the Potential Mr. Babz I was not surprised or caught off guard.  The Potential Mr. Babz leaving was really a formal announcing of never really being here.  He was never here.  He was never with me. He was never with us.  From where I sat, which was up close and personal, he never fully arrived.  He never fully unpacked. He had a different plan that he tried to talk himself out of under the guise of self-sacrificing for my sake.  He thought it was love, but I knew it to be fear.

Once I shifted my thinking from blaming him, I began to realize that this was also his opportunity to exhale and be let off the hook of caring for a potential wife and ready made family. To me it always felt as if he was constantly saying "this is as good a  place to dwell as any"  I could feel that truth hanging around us.  He was not here and no matter how hard I tried to ignore my heart, mind and intuitive self, the fact remained.  Being with me was not where he truly wanted to be. I have no idea where he truly wanted to be or with who. Only he can answer that and I suspect for him therein lies the fear. I will always love him.  I have since I was 15 years old.

The truth is quite liberating when we allow it to be. I spent these last few years struggling in a relationship that had run its course. I see some of the lessons that I needed to bring to the forefront... deep hidden painful truths that needed the light of day. I have a clearer understanding of what kind of man would feed my spirit as well as excite me. I know fully what I have to offer and it is plenty and enough.

I have decided not to spend any more time lamenting a broken heart.  If anything I am preparing to open it wider. I was made to be loved. So this truth-telling is all there will be on this matter.  He's gone. I am here. Love remains.

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”
Audre Lorde

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