My first instincts are always to run away and hide out... I am the queen of self imposed exile. But this time I am going to press through fully embracing the fear, pain and heartache. Now I know how to press through. This time I mean press through with a real awareness of the pain and fear and heart ache.
It is not the same kind of leaving that Mr. Exhusband did. With the Potential Mr. Babz I was not surprised or caught off guard. The Potential Mr. Babz leaving was really a formal announcing of never really being here. He was never here. He was never with me. He was never with us. From where I sat, which was up close and personal, he never fully arrived. He never fully unpacked. He had a different plan that he tried to talk himself out of under the guise of self-sacrificing for my sake. He thought it was love, but I knew it to be fear.
Once I shifted my thinking from blaming him, I began to realize that this was also his opportunity to exhale and be let off the hook of caring for a potential wife and ready made family. To me it always felt as if he was constantly saying "this is as good a place to dwell as any" I could feel that truth hanging around us. He was not here and no matter how hard I tried to ignore my heart, mind and intuitive self, the fact remained. Being with me was not where he truly wanted to be. I have no idea where he truly wanted to be or with who. Only he can answer that and I suspect for him therein lies the fear. I will always love him. I have since I was 15 years old.
The truth is quite liberating when we allow it to be. I spent these last few years struggling in a relationship that had run its course. I see some of the lessons that I needed to bring to the forefront... deep hidden painful truths that needed the light of day. I have a clearer understanding of what kind of man would feed my spirit as well as excite me. I know fully what I have to offer and it is plenty and enough.
I have decided not to spend any more time lamenting a broken heart. If anything I am preparing to open it wider. I was made to be loved. So this truth-telling is all there will be on this matter. He's gone. I am here. Love remains.
“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”
― Audre Lorde
― Audre Lorde