Monday, April 28, 2008


For every few steps I take forward, I fall back a few too. I am better in my heart and mind today than say 6 months ago, leaps and bounds better than last year. There are moments, I mean long moments of sheer terror, isolation, loneliness and utter disbelief in and about my life. Sometimes I am gripped with fear. Deep, crippling, smothering fear. I find myself questioning as I climb the mountain. I stand on the side of the mountain and look back and freak out at how high up I am and I feel the need to sit in self doubt. Self-doubt is very comforting. It whispers you can't, you won't, you shouldn't, you wouldn't. And soon I find myself joining in the chorus. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't! And before I know it, it's a full Broadway production of How to hide my light and not step fully into my own grown womanhood. Fortunately, I've not had too many of those moments lately. I am very conscience of choosing to live in love. When I feel self-doubt whispering, I can joyfully sing back, LOVE TO THE WORLD!

I am learning that fear is the opposite of love. And that alone reins me in. I remind myself that I am DOING! Doing the impossible on a great many days. Standing on the side of the mountain looking down and seeing how high I am is amazing! I climbed it on my own steam in God's care. What do I need to be afraid of? And that is the question that brings me into the present and snaps me out of all the pain and frustration and fear. What do I have to be afraid of? Absolutely nothing.

So as I am thinking about where I am today and remembering where I was. I did not fall from grace. I fell into God's care. This is finally very comforting to me. It is the beginning of forgiveness and redemption that I am supposed to get to but was so resistant to because I felt so unworthy. But I am worthy. The power of love is restorative and sustaining and healing. I feel it. I am living it.

Up the mountain I happily climb...the view from here is lovely!

May 2nd is my birthday
you are lovingly invited to celebrate with me
with a poem, prose or love missive.


May-Bee said...

How beautiful this post is, and of course it resonates with me. The paths of our journeys are so close in some ways.

It IS scary sometimes. But then I realize 'why be afraid of being alone (or whatever particular fear I'm feeling at that moment)? I'm fine as things are. We'll just see what happens.'

Faith and hope.

Anyway, keep climbing. I will, too. See you there!

Love to you!


Lovebabz said...

It is so easy to get stuck on what was. Fear keeps you from dreaming the biggest dream for yourself. I am constantly reminding myself to get beyond my fears and when I do the rewards are so rich!

I'll see you at the top!

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

A very timely post. I found myself doing this exact same thing yesterday as I contemplated calling the soon-to-be-ex for his birthday.

I understand "fear" the ultimate motivator of all things. Walking with you as we both learn to walk in love and not fear.

Peace and Blessings!

Tony OH said...

Fear is, False...Evidence...Appearing...Real nothing more, nothing less! You are covered by the Blood Of Christ, which is the Blood of Love. Live my sista and let nothing impede your way. You are chosen for Greatness!

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...


Undoubtable real talk you speak in
your peace....Forming life with the words that you breed...Like a seed it's been planted...Landing in the ears of those that catch it...I hear it...Comfort in your tone...feeding us courage...As you walk into your new zone...Looking to the master.....As you roam...faithly...Like a Lioness on your own...Taking steps on this earth..Look at ya girl...Waiting patiently for your...NEW BIRTH


Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

im down with the grown woman hood, i think i is the ish

Lovebabz said...

Kay C. The Quiet Storm,
Old habits die hard. Your spirit is still conencted to you ex, I understand that. It is far easier to remember the good. But He is hte past...making room for the new! I am always in need of friends to travel with me on this road to Love!

Tony OH!
I am certainly going to hang that on my mirror! I love it and it is SO RIGHT! I do so appreciate your prayers!

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs,
Sister THANK YOU for that beautiful poem! You are a very talented wordsmith and I am honored you gifted me with such a beautiful poem!

Sweet Torrance,
Everyday I choose to step into the grown woman shoes...I think I am wearing them well!

dejanae said...

i often set myself up for failure with the shouldn't, couldn't
gotta make a conscious effort to strive for better and push the doubts aside

Don said...

I stand on the side of the mountain and look back and freak out at how high up I am and I feel the need to sit in self doubt. ha! i used to also do this. sometimes i still do, but my mountain climbs aren't as dynamic anymore.

inspiring post.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Dejanae,
It is hard to turn off self-doubt even when we know that's what it is we listen.

Hey Don,
I am glad to know men have these same fears. I am glad you thought it was inspiring.

Shelia said...

Fear is natural but shouldn't control your life. It sounds like you have it all under control--you're trusting and allowing God to direct your steps.

CapCity said...

Were u listening in on me & my Daddy last nite? lol!

I am learning to tell those voices of doubt to STFU - I got thangs ta DO! that sneaky-azz self-doubt knows how to play to our comfort-seeking side ("don't step out on faith - it's cozy here in doubt-land";-). I say: MuthaFrkah, Back up OFF ME!
I read somewhere recently that Fear is:
1) Face Everything And Rejoice -or-
2) Fuck Everything And Run

I may not be your Twin;-) - but I'm SO feeling U on REJOICING in EVERY itty-bitty step that I DO take! I sometimes feel like toddlers who are just getting the feel for their legs & when they toddle or run a few steps they look back at U and LAUGH cuz they're so excited by the mere fact that they're MOVING!!!


Lovebabz said...

Sister, thanks for reminding my own words abour FEAR! It is a struggle everyday. Some days are better than others!

Twin or not you's my Sister NOW!

Trish said...

And so it is, and so well put. I see a bit of myself in your mirror, contemplating where I'm at and noticing how far I've come. Final mediation was today, and divorce is imminent. Could be a couple of weeks away, and one year ago I was on a happy little vacation with my husband who showed no signs of unhappiness.

And the surprise for me, today? I felt good when all was said and done. This is not a divorce I wanted. I've been fighting it in my head and heart for months. But something has shifted in these last weeks, and I'm with you on that mountain, now. The moments of self-doubt are fewer and getting farther away and it IS lovely from this place!

As we step fully into ourselves and away from fear, we cast a brilliance with that light from inside! Keep up the shine, and keep up the posts, Lovebabz!

Lovebabz said...

You seem to be handling this beautifully. I mean it takes a moment to fully grasp the idea of divorce. I didn't see it coming either! But I am loving this new sense of independence!

Mizrepresent said...

I often have these days too, but in any growth process we will fall, like riding a bike, there will be falls, some scrapes, but we get back on and keep going...we keep going