I am struggling with how to be in the presence of my ex-husband. Ever since he had me served a few days ago in the manner in which he did has me still a bit shaken. He had the choice to have me served a different way. And he chose the very public and very mean-spirited way. This was a very clear and deliberate message to me. One that I would not have chosen for him. So to know that a person so wants to hurt you, who used to profess undying love for you, hurts. So now I am trying to be still and not have this anger rise to the top.
I have run through my paces about this. I am not in love with him, I am not interested in reconciliation. I think the underlying issues for me is the sense that he no longer deems me worthy. That I am no longer good enough. That I am perhaps more of a burden than asset. When he is in my presence he acts as though nothing has changed, he is actually super-friendly as if to show he is happier now. Perhaps he is. Actually I am too...contemplating all my own steps on my own terms is such a turn on...but I digress.
For me in my heart is the notion that this has not phased him. As I said in previous posts, he left the marriage a year before he left the marriage, so he had time to process and make peace. I on the other hand, had more pressing issues in front of me and did not have the luxury. It will be a year soon that he left. A year.
What I was doing before being served was meeting him with the same upbeat enthusiasm, smiling face, even toned voice, access to the children without hassles...in most cases bending over backwards to facilitate, accommodate his needs. The last two days I could barely muster up the strength to talk to him. Yesterday when he dropped off the kids, I never looked at him once. I was polite, but I treated him like he was invisible. I am walking a fine line because my kids are like hawks and they watch me closely.
So this is what I will do. Go back to my upbeat enthusiastic self. Malice be gone! Smile, be jovial. Act and be as my life is amazing. Let go of my perceptions of why I think he thinks the way he does about me. Fuck it if he does think I am not worthy. He is not worthy of ME! Ha! Undoing 12 years of a faithful marriage will take a bit more doing, and I am just the Warrior Queen to do it. Am doing it! He will always have unlimited access to our children. I have never played those stupid games and never will, as a matter of fact I had to call him out about being better about seeing them.
I know I am worthy. I know I am amazing. It is so easy to let the old tapes run in my head, but the cool thing is, I catch myself and shut it down. I am not undoing all this healing work because of him or anybody else who thinks they have that kind of power. So Hello Ex, have a nice life, I know I am!
My heart is mending. And I am becoming lovelier by the minute!