I am struggling with how to be in the presence of my ex-husband. Ever since he had me served a few days ago in the manner in which he did has me still a bit shaken. He had the choice to have me served a different way. And he chose the very public and very mean-spirited way. This was a very clear and deliberate message to me. One that I would not have chosen for him. So to know that a person so wants to hurt you, who used to profess undying love for you, hurts. So now I am trying to be still and not have this anger rise to the top.
I have run through my paces about this. I am not in love with him, I am not interested in reconciliation. I think the underlying issues for me is the sense that he no longer deems me worthy. That I am no longer good enough. That I am perhaps more of a burden than asset. When he is in my presence he acts as though nothing has changed, he is actually super-friendly as if to show he is happier now. Perhaps he is. Actually I am too...contemplating all my own steps on my own terms is such a turn on...but I digress.
For me in my heart is the notion that this has not phased him. As I said in previous posts, he left the marriage a year before he left the marriage, so he had time to process and make peace. I on the other hand, had more pressing issues in front of me and did not have the luxury. It will be a year soon that he left. A year.
What I was doing before being served was meeting him with the same upbeat enthusiasm, smiling face, even toned voice, access to the children without hassles...in most cases bending over backwards to facilitate, accommodate his needs. The last two days I could barely muster up the strength to talk to him. Yesterday when he dropped off the kids, I never looked at him once. I was polite, but I treated him like he was invisible. I am walking a fine line because my kids are like hawks and they watch me closely.
So this is what I will do. Go back to my upbeat enthusiastic self. Malice be gone! Smile, be jovial. Act and be as my life is amazing. Let go of my perceptions of why I think he thinks the way he does about me. Fuck it if he does think I am not worthy. He is not worthy of ME! Ha! Undoing 12 years of a faithful marriage will take a bit more doing, and I am just the Warrior Queen to do it. Am doing it! He will always have unlimited access to our children. I have never played those stupid games and never will, as a matter of fact I had to call him out about being better about seeing them.
I know I am worthy. I know I am amazing. It is so easy to let the old tapes run in my head, but the cool thing is, I catch myself and shut it down. I am not undoing all this healing work because of him or anybody else who thinks they have that kind of power. So Hello Ex, have a nice life, I know I am!
My heart is mending. And I am becoming lovelier by the minute!
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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13 comments:
I so get where you are with this. I am in my own phase of divorce, going into our final mediation on Sunday. It's been a long, uphill struggle for me to get to this place where I finally feel peaceful with what's happening and can more naturally maintain civility in his presence. I applaud your ability to have done this for the past year! It speaks volumes to your level of maturity and sense of what's truly important with your kids.
All of us are phased by divorce. He was perhaps phased at a different time, and to a different degree? And many of us are good at hiding the pain we feel, especially if we are proud and want to display a certain look. My future ex is doing this. He sounds so chipper, as if life is a relief in this new state of being. And it probably is a relief, because he chooses to see the kids (2 and 4 years old) minimally. It's too much work for him, I think. On an emotional level.
So I try to follow the wisdom I heard once from a yoga teacher, and it seems quite prevalent in your blog (which I file away in my head as a "Blog of Strength")...
Focus on the strong and get stronger. Focus on the weak and you will get weaker.
Thank you for all of your writing. It's been helping me get through my own life for a few months, now.
Sister Trish,
Thank you for coming by and thank for liking anything I have to say. Everyday I have to choose who I want to be in the world. And Everyday I choose LOVE & HAPPINESS. Divocrcing is a tought thing because you have to let go of all possibility of a life with that person, even though you KNOW that person is wrong for you.
Thank you for the yoga phrase---I like that! I am so focusing on the strong!
Be well! Live well!
Lovebabz,
Yes, it's one of those uniquely difficult situations; nothing else in life is the same as this... how do you behave in the presence of someone with whom you once felt loved and cherished and who now is a stranger? You're doing it, though, and with grace and great strength.
I struggled with this yesterday at court during our final hearing. He cried. I didn't. I can't say it didn't hurt. For a moment, it hurt to see him hurting, because there's a lingering feeling (in spite of everything) of tenderness toward him. Also confusion: Why the hell is he crying when this was what he wanted?
But Trish is right: we all deal with this in our own ways.
But your estranged husband's motivation and his issues are his problem, as you know. You are on your way.
Love to you,
May-Bee
Such words of wisdom. But one thing, and if I'm outta line say I'm outta line and I'll apologize, cause I ain't got nothin but love for ya and I certainly don't know the facts of your situation. But, from my experience ONLY, when people came in and hired me, that's all they did. The service of process and how it was accomplished was up to the person that routinely served the process for me, and he had instructions from me to find them wherever they were, whatever they were doing, whoever they were with -- and hand them the papers. The opportune times were when they were going about their daily routine, especially leaving home in the morning and coming back in the evening. This was because you could find them doing that rather easily and it kept my clients cost down. But, we were cautious about going to peoples jobs. Okay, so anyway, I said that to say that maybe Ex didn't have anything to do with the process service. You know, just from a practical standpoint.
However, now I feel bad about my process serving attitude. Dang. I feel like I need to call some people and apologize.
Girl, I applaud the foresight and the wisdom that you have going through this process. I wish I could have dealt with more people like you.
I have been quietly reading your blog for some time. Your writing is wonderful and inspiring. I have found your posts very uplifting dealing with my own personal challenges (especially my own marriage issues).
Personally, I have come to honestly believe that men do not look at things the way we do. Not to give excuses for your EX -- but I just believe in my heart that "they" (men) just don't think. Maybe God has made them this way for a reason - on one hand, if man thought about things like women do, perhaps we'd (humankind) would never have made the advances in life (space travel, etc.) that we have. Then again, we might not have all of the war, violence etc.
All that to say, don't take it too personal. Based on what I've read about him, you are giving him WAAYY too much credit to think he would have the "foresight/forethought" to really THINK, THEN follow that up with an emotion (thus care), about the 'serving process'.
I hope that you continue to see the BLESSING in this experience. I look forward to reading more...
Always, thank you for sharing...RJS
Pserendipity,
Yes he did have a choice. Here in CT you are asked how you would like to this to be done. I have enough attorneys as friends to know this. He could have called and said hey, I ammoving forward with filing. But he chose tobe a coward rather than have to expelain to me wht the plan we created TOGETHER is no long to HIS satisfaction. Divorce does not allow for more people like me. I got to this place because I didn't want this to get in my way of becoming the woman I am meant to be.
Thank you for posting Anita Dayum Daybreak,
Everything is personal to me. This stuff hurts and I suspect it will hurt for a bit longer. Now the key for me is to not let it drag me down and keep me swirling in his mess. But I choose who I want to be in all of this. I choose who I want to be in my own life. That alone is liberating!
Again thank you for taking the time to post.
Pserendipity,
I think I was being a bit snarky in my response to you. I don't want to to be sympathetic to him. And no you were not outta line. As my friend Torrance says over at his site- You can say whatever you want. Just know I have thin skin LOL! Very thin! LOL!
I applaud you Lovebabz, for divorce, not any of it is and easy task. I so love what you said at the very end...that he does not and will not determine your worth...i feel this so...despite your deeds in the past, you have forgiven yourself, God has forgiven you...so who gives a dayum what he and others think. Personally, i get so sick and tired of others trying to define me based upon past mistakes, past experiences and their warped perception of who i may or might be. Sometimes, in the past, i have sought forgiveness and likeability over self-love, but i choose not to do that anymore...they think we don't deserve them, they don't deserve us. So, i say again i applaud you, your spirit, and your fortitude.
Hello MizR,
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful heartfelt post. Yes indeed it is very easy to allow others opinions of who we are become the prevailing opinions of who we are. It does take some doing to shrug off that and step into your own sense of self. That is what I am striving for becoming my own person and living the life I was destined to live.
U TELL 'EM, Warrior QUEEN!! THE Devil is a LIAR & sounds like your ex is da devil!
KEEP RISING to the TOP! Living WELL is the BEST REVENGE;-).
Hugz!!!
Lovebabz: I'd be happy to swap divorce stories with you anytime you like. This isn't the time or the place, however. Do I have your email? I don't make mine publicly available, but Torrance has it and you may feel free to ask him for it.
I agree with TRISH except I've come to believe that while one moves steadily forward, the past will keep coming back and biting me in the ass. Maybe it resembles a sine curve.
One day, I feel like my ex and I are in some sort of synch and the next day some whammy will come out of the sky and she's got the whole toolkit, believe me.
I've gotten better about it but any tips on how to keep malice away will always be appreciated.
And keep coming by. We don't get the comments because folks just get too intimidated, which I think is silly because the reason I started commenting over there months ago was to LEARN something.
Nevertheless, my senior editors tell me that since my arrival, lurking traffic has come from such notable spots as HALLIBURTON and THE JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES. lol and true! I guess they have to update their Kelso dartboards!
Hey Cap,
You are so right! And funny!
Kelso,
We hear so much about how fucked-up women can be, but we fail to think that there are a lot of fucked-up women who pull stuff all the time. Yes, I will reach out to Torrance and get your info.
I must admit I lurk over at your new site. I need a little bit more courage to jump in and weigh in on the discussions. I know I can hold my weight intellectaully with the best of them...so yes I will come and camp out!
Hello Babz my love...yeah, what you said!
As you already know, I've traveled this same road recently. My divorce hearing was just a few weeks ago (April 7th) and now that it is over, I am thankful. However, even so, though most of the time thankfulness and happiness and contentment is what I feel, occasionally I still find myself wondering about some of the things you speak of....
If ever you'd like to speak, please send me an email so we can exchange numbers and let's talk! I am a night owl so I am definitely your gurl if that feeling catches you as it so often used to catch me after the midnight hour...I am typically up until 3 to 4 am your time so please don't hesitate as I am NOT just being polite ;)
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