In support of my Blog Brother, Xavier Pierre, Jr who blogs over at Lovers Anonymous I am once again raising my voice to the Cause.
I was Robbed:
The after effects of sexual assault is more than the physical abuse you can see and analyze for evidence. It is the mental toll that it takes on your mind, spirit, heart and soul. I spent a lot of time walking the world wounded. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I was angry and I was arrogant. I slept with men I didn't care about. The ones who cared about me I treated like shit. The ones I cared about and did not return the feelings I obsessed over. I was fucked-up in my spirit. I could have sex, but I could not be intimate. I could not be loving. I could not be soft or gentle and I was not really present during sex acts. Blow jobs were totally out of the question for a very long time. I could do a lot of tricks and fake my through to get some man to climax and send him on his way. After a series of life-changing events and experiences I decided to give it up. I swore off men...detoxed if you will. Within a few weeks I met the man who became my husband.
I was Restored:
My ex-husband and I have a really charming love story which I will save for some other time. But meeting him and being with him restored me. It allowed a space for me to change my life. To experience the world differently. In the early days of our our marriage He provided me with a safe place to explore my feelings and to do the work of peeling away the layers. He was patient and kind and very loving. With him I learned about intimacy and being present during love-making. I began to enjoy it in ways I never thought I could. I was finally in a safe place. I think his role in my life is fulfilled I think he was supposed to be there in that time of my life to bear witness and support my transitioning life. He absolutely reflected where my head and heart were at that time.
Sexual Assault robs you of the ability to trust. love, feel, all the things that we need as human beings. It strips you of your humanity and reduces you to nothing. So many walk the world as wounded as I did. I tried very hard to drink away the pain. I tried hard to have as much sex as possible to show that I was not going to be afraid of sex. But the reality was, I was very afraid of sex and had no idea what I was doing and how I was not healing, but hurting. For ten years I stopped drinking. I worked with a therapist for about 1 year. I bought the book the Courage to Heal, Women Who Love Too Much ( this goes back almost 20 years--there are many other books available now) I did my time at Rape Crisis. I facilitated a support group for women who were raped as children .
So today I am far away from that part of my life. It is not forgotten and it never will be. I decided that how you see the world is how you experience the world and all you have to do is change your mind and your life changes. If you believe the world is a nasty, dirty place, then that will be your experience, time and time again. But if you see the world as a place of beauty and joy then that will be your experience, time and time again.
I absolutely refuse to allow my father to further rob me of a grand life filled with love and joy and sex. He no longer has power over me. So choosing a life of love is simply making the decision to live a certain way. It is working. In spite of all the twists and turns in this big life of mine. I believe in love and grace and love.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In Connecticut every 41 minutes a child is being abused. Last year there were over 9,000 children abused. I have adopted 4 that were abused..not sexually and I swear being their mother and knowing full well that on most days I am not worthy is an act of God.