I thought seriously about suicide twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager the knowledge of my abuse at the hands of my father was too much to bear. The second time I was in my early twenties. Shortly after graduating college. It should have been an amazing time. The first time anyone graduated college in my family (my mother was accepted into Wake Forrest but my Grandparents forbade her to attend--so she married a child molesting psychopath instead). I was overwhelmed and deathly afraid of the world. Yes, I did all the right things. I had a great job, I found a fab apartment. I had all the right sort of friends and I was involved with a man of merit and praise. But internally I was hollow...empty. I could not get over the sense of hopelessness. I felt unworthy and unloved. I tried desperately to be someone Else's ideal. I dated professional athletes...football players and basketball players. I tried being eye candy..just another pretty face in the crowd. And for awhile it worked. I was invisible. I dumbed down, I never let it be be known that I was smart, really smart. But after awhile the real me started to emerge and once that happens you no longer remain "eye candy" Good riddance! Once you step into your "real self"you can no longer stand in the back light.
I am amazed at what I was willing to tolerate in the name of so-called love...what I was willing to endure for what I thought was love. (sigh). Even in my marriage I was willing to accept shit that in hindsight would make me say "HELL TO THE NO!"
I did not come to love, fully understanding the meaning. It would be years before I grasped a real definition. One that made sense and allowed for growth and independence.
Oh I truly get it NOW. And I like it very much. I am done with begging for affection. I am done with begging period. I am fine just as I am. More than fine..supreme!!!!!
I LOVE being a woman in her right mind, with her own money and resources. A great sense of humor, a million dollar smile and jokes! My love belief is so strong that it carries me and nurtures me. It is God's greatest gift and I recognize it. Every day I get to choose love and I happily do! I BELIEVE IN LOVE!