I thought seriously about suicide twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager the knowledge of my abuse at the hands of my father was too much to bear. The second time I was in my early twenties. Shortly after graduating college. It should have been an amazing time. The first time anyone graduated college in my family (my mother was accepted into Wake Forrest but my Grandparents forbade her to attend--so she married a child molesting psychopath instead). I was overwhelmed and deathly afraid of the world. Yes, I did all the right things. I had a great job, I found a fab apartment. I had all the right sort of friends and I was involved with a man of merit and praise. But internally I was hollow...empty. I could not get over the sense of hopelessness. I felt unworthy and unloved. I tried desperately to be someone Else's ideal. I dated professional athletes...football players and basketball players. I tried being eye candy..just another pretty face in the crowd. And for awhile it worked. I was invisible. I dumbed down, I never let it be be known that I was smart, really smart. But after awhile the real me started to emerge and once that happens you no longer remain "eye candy" Good riddance! Once you step into your "real self"you can no longer stand in the back light.
I am amazed at what I was willing to tolerate in the name of so-called love...what I was willing to endure for what I thought was love. (sigh). Even in my marriage I was willing to accept shit that in hindsight would make me say "HELL TO THE NO!"
I did not come to love, fully understanding the meaning. It would be years before I grasped a real definition. One that made sense and allowed for growth and independence.
Oh I truly get it NOW. And I like it very much. I am done with begging for affection. I am done with begging period. I am fine just as I am. More than fine..supreme!!!!!
I LOVE being a woman in her right mind, with her own money and resources. A great sense of humor, a million dollar smile and jokes! My love belief is so strong that it carries me and nurtures me. It is God's greatest gift and I recognize it. Every day I get to choose love and I happily do! I BELIEVE IN LOVE!
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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11 comments:
I'll drink to that! (Although it's only 10 am and I'm at work so it'll have to be an imaginary drink).
Love to you!
May-Bee
I am a silver lining woman. What that means is that in every cloud, I can and WILL find a silver lining. Like you, I ALWAYS knew I was smart. It separated me from the pack in my family and I was told that I was smart from the crib. What I wasn't told was that I was pretty and when you are born into a family of beautiful girls and women like I was, THAT is a hard pill to swallow. So because I never thought of myself as pretty, I never went through the eye-candy stage of which you speak as I did not have any confidence in my looks. The silver lining in this is that I also NEVER for even a moment considered hiding this little light of mine called BRAIN POWER by "dumbing down" for anyone. In my mind back then it was ALL THAT I HAD.
Now that I know that I have that particular light and all these other gifts I can now recognize TOO (not to be conceited, but you've seen pics ;), JUST LIKE YOU, THERE IS NO STOPPING ME NOW!
You gone with yo bad self Lady Lovebabz!
Hey Sister May-Bee,
Cheers to YOU! Hey it is cocktail time somewhere in the world!
Sharon,
I love that silver lining woman thing! I am so using that! I do hope you know you are BEAUTIFUL! I have long given up on pretty. I was never pretty, but I could create the illusion of pretty and sexy. Truth be told I have a new sense of beauty...outward and inner!
Now I am not creating any illusions, I am just trying to walk in LOVE!
real talk @ love to be a woman in her right mind. and sadly love can take a woman out of that nature. @ your wanting to die...you are strong. no doubt.
I dumbed down, I never let it be be known that I was smart, really smart. But after awhile the real me started to emerge and once that happens you no longer remain "eye candy" Good riddance! LOL. Too funny.
Hey Don,
LOVE is always restorative. Always positive and uplifting. Accept no substitutes.
I'm happy to hear that you have found out what love really is. The truth is that it doesn't end. Love is everlasting. It grows and it's capable of possessing you. Then, it affects everyone you come into contact with.
Love is like happiness. People have to decide that they are worthy of it. That they deserve it. Sure, some people get lucky, but for most of us, until we are ready for love, and think that we are justified in opening up to the idea of real love, it wont exists in our world.
I am glad that it does now, in yours.
Rock on!
Hello Stephen Bess,
Yes love is everlasting. I wish it were more infectious!
Welcome Rex Venom!
You are SO right! You have to choose love. Happiness is a choice. I am very conscious of love all around me.
A loved one brought to you by God is the most precious and worth the wait.
Blessings to you...
I'm on blog read backup. I love this post. I think lots of people would look back at the things they used to accept and say "Hell to the no!" NOW! I know I sure don't take mess like I used to...and never will. It takes time to get to know self and what self will and will not accept. Thank God for being well acquainted with self now. It makes life a lot easier.
hmm. this post is right on time for me. in a general sort of way. like a reminder of what i've got going on. thanks my love, as always!
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