Saturday, March 6, 2010


Alice, In Wonderland 2010.

One can never lose sight of the fact that life is whatever you make it to be. How I am living is not how I wish to be living. How I am loving is not how I wish to be loving. I must change this...immediately.

I do not have to sit at the table of love and beg for scraps. I will not tolerate love being dangled before me like I am some mammal at sea world doing tricks for treats. No. I am clear. This is not the love I want for my life. And one would have me to believe that if only I had more whatever, then I would be his for always. What bullshit. And pity on me for even thinking I could slip into someone Else's fantasy of a relationship. I am not judging anyone for the choices in their life. I can only look to my own life and review my past, present and future. "Look at the evidence that your actions are producing" yes, let's look at my actions and my dearest let's look at yours. It cuts both ways.

I am not naive enough to think that we can be happy 24/7...there are days when the world will not be a kind place. I have known isolation, public embarrassment and loss. As a matter of fact I am still losing. But at the end of the day. What sustains me and fuels me is my zest for life, and the fact that I am a seeker of love and enlightenment. I shall not be moved.

I am rediscovering my fondness for tea. I am sitting by the fire gazing at the flames thinking about my life and my children and what adventures await me. There is love out there is love inside of me. It doesn't matter what my trials and tribulations are, I am a woman for love.

So this loveship is coming to a close. I have fought hard for this love. He does not believe I have and of course that saddens me. But it is one more acknowledgement of how we both have come to this love with so many unrecognized and unspoken expectations. I wanted one thing and he needs another and we can't seem to get in the same park. We just keeping hitting foul balls.

I am enjoying this tea, its warmth and richness in flavor...Rooibus tea..of course its fair trade. It is calming and soothing. The white birch wood in the fireplace smells wonderful. I am feeling very calm. I am feeling like Alice... I make the path.


Luv said...

I am sorry that this journey for you is about over, but it is better for you to realize the lessons you have learned now than with the real Mr. Right...and he is out there waiting for you to realize all of the things you need to realize, understand, experience...this is what I am currently telling myself as I too began to firmly grip the pen that will chart my life...change is hard, but it is so worth it

Mizrepresent said...

Great and honest post LB, but i wouldn't expect anything less from you. We have followed your romance, have cheered, have been saddened, have been inspired and have dreamed of having such in our lives. But the truth lies in what you want and need and it seems you have discovered that and so i still cheer on in knowing you will undoubtedly have in your life what you truly desire.

Lovebabz said...

Hi Luv,
Oh the journey continues...neither ends nor begins. I love him...always will. Our paths will always cross and we will remain connected. We just ain't suited to the day-to-day. I am done with looking. I am going inward. No more looking for love anywhere. I am love and it spills over from within. The right Brother will FIND ME! and I am not lost! LOL!

Sister you know the love road can be rocky. Thanks for sitting front row and cheering!

CynCity said...

I wish I could be as strong as you. You will be just fine!!