I may loose this house. I don't want to. But It may be the best thing to do in this long long struggle. These past years have been all about losing, letting go, serving time, getting back on track. The last couple of days I fell into a funk of fear, uncertainty and self-pity. I couldn't catch my breath. I was feeling alone and overwhelmed. How can I live with losing so much? But here's the truth, I haven't lost anything of value that I can't get back. Seriously, when I began to count my blessings in direct opposition to self-pity, self-pity seems almost ridiculous. Yes I love this house, but really what does that mean? I can live in another lovely house...one that I rent rather than own. And why am so quick to fall back into sadness and uncertainty at the first sign of potential trouble. I've come far, that's gotta count for something in my mind. I will work this out and I will do it with a sense of gratitude for this life and not from a place of "why me".
So here stands this beautiful elegant man, with his own challenges in the world. Wounds that are healing, past indiscretions that may haunt him. What I find amazing about him is his belief that he controls his feelings, his mind, his thoughts. He is a teacher. He is a guardian angel who keeps coming at me no matter what I do to send him away. I don't like the way I look in his mirror. I don't like my reflection at all. It is disturbing. Disturbing, meaning there are truths that I am still unwilling to step into. All this stuff is all connected. Everything in my life is connected to every decisions ever made...good and bad. I created this reality. This is my lesson to fully step into the fact that I create this reality in God's care. I am feeling my way tenderly back to myself. I already proved I am strong. I have already weathered big storms. Now I got to allow myself to be loved.
Allowing myself to be loved is the last frontier for me. I have seen a glimpse of being loved. The kindness,the connectedness and safety I crave, need, want. He brings it and it is comforting and unsettling all at once. Whatever lies ahead and much of it I can design for my best interest will not kill me or hurt me. It will be a closing of one chapter and the opening of another.