All that I can do is grow. Accept the fact that I was wrong, petty, small minded, arrogant, superior acting, mean-spirited and disrespectful. Then when that's all acknowledged MOVE FORWARD. Move forward with a better sense of who I want to be and who I know to be in love. Fear can show up in so many disguises that we won't recognize it for the devil that it is. We call them old habits. Mistakes of lovers pasts, old wounds that have not healed sufficiently.
We never fully surrender to anything because we don't trust anything...not even our own hearts and minds. We walk the world hoping that the next love affair will be different. How can it be if we are not? The love we make over and over will be the same drama played out in the arms of a different lover. UNTIL we get still and real with ourselves.
Truth is always there even when we are not. The truth is always there even if we turn a blind eye. The truth is always there. The truth is for me the lesson of learning to be vulnerable. To allow someone to not only love me, but love me enough to help, guide, direct and push me. We all have our weapons of mass distraction. Our ways to fend off intimacy and closeness. We have gotten good at killing off love affairs before the hard part sets in. We enjoy the honeymoon and get out before the reality of loving under daylight sets in.
I am understanding this now. Always asking the questions: Who Am I? and What Do I Want?
The Love Story continues...
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
2 months ago
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3 comments:
I know I can fall back into old habits very easily. Sometimes I feel like I've grown a lot and other times I feel like I'm back peddling. I think I'll just move forward from here on out. Learning every step of the way.
Lawd have Mercy, BABZ.... you taking deep there, Oldgirl.
I'm pondering some of these same isshas- fear, the past, etc... over my way, from a spiritual standpoint. I need to write about love, but you seem to speaking for me. I might have to snatch these last few posts of yours up and post them up over at my spot... Because they really have me thinking.
I am glad you are being honest with yourself. Really glad. It gives me courage to be honest with myself.
love it! it's funny, i was gonna post something similar before my child showed his tail.
your courage inspires me to push forward
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