I can feel myself sliding into a whining mode...why doesn't he make me happy. Why doesn't he see that I need?... Why can't he just indulge me? The reality is, I am acting like a witch. A spoiled witch. I want want want want, but what am I willing to give? What am I willing to do? I want love, but am I loving? Am I meeting his needs. I hear myself whining about what he's not doing, but what am I not doing? And who says just because I want things to go my way that they have to go my way?
I am lazy. I am undisciplined and I procrastinate A LOT! I get defensive, I storm out of conversations, I raise my voice. I cry and pout. And I absolutely don't like being told what to do.
What's he to do with me except stand his ground and continue to state his position about moving together in joining our lives. I am living too much in fear. I can't believe it, but I am. I am too selfish and not giving enough. I have not extended myself in ways that matter to him. I am distant and secretive about my thoughts and feelings.
WHO AM I? AND WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT?
I am sabotaging the very thing I said I want. I have asked for this love and I got it. I am behaving like a fool. I welcome love in and now I am acting like I am ready for it to leave. Who the hell does this? Can my fears really have that kind of hold and influence? And what the fuck am I so afraid of?
This self analysis isn't about him. Its about me and becoming and being the woman I want. I want to be gracious, loving, kind and generous. I want to be a woman who knows how to love a good man.
I do not have an eternity to ponder and discern my behaviour. God knows I have done enough of that. I have to get on with the business of loving. Loving myself and the Man God has put in front of me. I have got to LOVE. Love in action! No more thinking and whining about loving. I have to do the loving! I have to do the very thing I want done. If I want to be in love, then I need to act like it.
Checking myself. Don't know if what I do in the next hours will make a difference in this Man staying. But for my own sake I gotta grow. I have to become the woman of my dreams RIGHT NOW. Whatever fears I have I gotta send packing. I have to lay myself bare. I have to unlock the gate holding my soul. Talk to me he says...begging. I remain silent. That has to stop. In this moment that has to stop. There is no magic to talking. I just have to open my heart and speak.
Intimacy he wants. Intimacy I want. Not sex, not fucking until the sun comes up. But bonding. Closeness. Knowing in your deepest part of who you that the person laying with you is rooted to you. Sharing your life. That's what I want in my soul.
The way to happiness is to walk the path with confidence and vulnerability. You can't receive any gift with a closed fist. Surrendering to love is not giving up who you are. It means letting love RULE!
Here's to building a bonding love...