I can feel myself sliding into a whining mode...why doesn't he make me happy. Why doesn't he see that I need?... Why can't he just indulge me? The reality is, I am acting like a witch. A spoiled witch. I want want want want, but what am I willing to give? What am I willing to do? I want love, but am I loving? Am I meeting his needs. I hear myself whining about what he's not doing, but what am I not doing? And who says just because I want things to go my way that they have to go my way?
I am lazy. I am undisciplined and I procrastinate A LOT! I get defensive, I storm out of conversations, I raise my voice. I cry and pout. And I absolutely don't like being told what to do.
What's he to do with me except stand his ground and continue to state his position about moving together in joining our lives. I am living too much in fear. I can't believe it, but I am. I am too selfish and not giving enough. I have not extended myself in ways that matter to him. I am distant and secretive about my thoughts and feelings.
WHO AM I? AND WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT?
I am sabotaging the very thing I said I want. I have asked for this love and I got it. I am behaving like a fool. I welcome love in and now I am acting like I am ready for it to leave. Who the hell does this? Can my fears really have that kind of hold and influence? And what the fuck am I so afraid of?
This self analysis isn't about him. Its about me and becoming and being the woman I want. I want to be gracious, loving, kind and generous. I want to be a woman who knows how to love a good man.
I do not have an eternity to ponder and discern my behaviour. God knows I have done enough of that. I have to get on with the business of loving. Loving myself and the Man God has put in front of me. I have got to LOVE. Love in action! No more thinking and whining about loving. I have to do the loving! I have to do the very thing I want done. If I want to be in love, then I need to act like it.
Checking myself. Don't know if what I do in the next hours will make a difference in this Man staying. But for my own sake I gotta grow. I have to become the woman of my dreams RIGHT NOW. Whatever fears I have I gotta send packing. I have to lay myself bare. I have to unlock the gate holding my soul. Talk to me he says...begging. I remain silent. That has to stop. In this moment that has to stop. There is no magic to talking. I just have to open my heart and speak.
Intimacy he wants. Intimacy I want. Not sex, not fucking until the sun comes up. But bonding. Closeness. Knowing in your deepest part of who you that the person laying with you is rooted to you. Sharing your life. That's what I want in my soul.
The way to happiness is to walk the path with confidence and vulnerability. You can't receive any gift with a closed fist. Surrendering to love is not giving up who you are. It means letting love RULE!
Here's to building a bonding love...
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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4 comments:
it seems like you are working your way through it.. now keep pushing..i know it's painful and it's hard BUT at least you are seeing your ways and have a chance at correcting them. don't be me..cyberstalking your man mad that he has moved on and is loving someone else and that someone else is giving him what he begged you for.
tell him that you are afraid and that you really don't know what you are afraid of but that you love him and that you are willing to work through it if he will remain by your side
Dearest Lovebabz,
First we must realize we are deserving of love. Fear is a reaction, a safe haven that is easy to give in to. Fear is safer than opening our hearts making ourselves vulnerable to be hurt. Again. It often happens when we are hurt deeply by someone we opened up to (am I getting close yet?) Yep, I have been there. I am right there with you.
It is hard to express that because we believe the other person will not understand. But how can they understand if we do not communicate how we feel? If we unwilling (because I know you are capable) to open up and let it out?
Acknowledging that feeling is fear is the hard first step. Loving someone like you have never been hurt sometimes feels like the impossible second.
A wise woman once commented on my post that even if we get hurt that relationship fulfilled a need, allowed for growth and we can take that and become a better person. I'm now passing that to you ;-)
(((HUGS)))
Sister Lovebabz, you bare your soul, so much so that I KNOW you posted this more for you than our reading pleasure. This is a declaration! An affirmation and your words have set your gears in motion - you're gonna make this happen.
I believe in your confidence.
His Side said to me one day... "I never knew how much of a jerk I was until you loved me."
Nothing teaches us about ourselves more than giving and receiving true love.
You have a deep desire to start living the truth you know about love, but you won't be able to "force" those changes. The transformation started the moment you said "Ah ha." It always happens from the inside out, so don't obsess over trying to demonstrate the behavior that will keep him. Focus on the change in your heart that triggered the beginning of your lovely transformation.
If that means letting him go in the meantime, you are better to live this process than rush the cooking and watch your cake fall... if ya know what I mean.
You're the best... {{hugs}}
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