Saturday, January 30, 2010


I am lonely. It would be nice to have companionship. Someone who gets me, likes me, loves me. I am lonely. I have great friends, they cheer me often. My Sister Lo is the best, my touch stone. My sister-friend JB is a sage...a balm-in-Gilead soul. I am lonely. My best friend Ron is still my very best friend. And yet I am lonely.

I am in this UN-relationship with a friend who I grew up with. We are old lovers with a great deal of chemistry, passion and sexual interest. We have talked at great length about the possibility of marriage, partnership. We just can't seem to connect no matter how hard we try. He doesn't think I try hard enough and I find him too nagging. I am lonely. I own this loneliness of my own making. I had plans of getting out more and doing more. I am in this UN-relationship merry-go-round. There are days where we are at odds and days when we are close to true love. Maybe I want something that doesn't exist. Perhaps I've dreamed too much. Perhaps I am being childish in my expectations. Maybe my hopes and dreams are too grand. He thinks I ought to learn moderation in all things. I wonder if that means joy too. I wonder if you can have love in moderation?

So I am reading everything I can on Love relationships. Trying to discern my way with this thing. Trying to look at this thing from all sides.

He is clear in an unclear way about what he wants and needs. I don't fully understand what the hell he is talking about half the time. But some of it makes some sense. He is lovely with my children. And he lays with me with all the peace of heaven. I am not the kind of woman he needs. He may want me and may want me to become what he needs. I just know in the end, I will resent all the nagging to change. I will resent the constant disappointing conversations. I will resent him.

I don't mind the loneliness if I were alone. But to be in an UN-relationship and feel alone is too much to take.

So here I am undisciplined, over-weight, extreme in my indulgences of life's pleasures...I drink to much...I eat too much. I am without a doubt too much.

So he has announced(several times over the past several months) his possible departure. Because he "can't play house" with me. OK, I say. I gain some new insights and we talk and go along for awhile. And then he notices I am still the same... undisciplined, over-weight, extreme in my indulgences of life's pleasures...I drink too much...I eat too much. I am without a doubt too much.


Luv said...

wow. you are right if you change simply becuz he wants you to change, you will resent him.

i have been lonely before in an "un-relationship" it's the worse of all lonelies. it's like being in a crowded room and feeling like you are all alone.

keep on your journey..stay will work through this and figure out what the best path is for you..

let me know what books you are reading

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Hmmm....should have read this post before commenting on the last one.

When I get lonely I try to indulge in my hobbies. Dust off those tango shoes. Do something YOU enjoy. I had to go back to the hardwoods after leaving it for almost six weeks.

Let me tell you I was RUSTY!!! But it was fun and for the 3+ hours I laughed and smiled and not had a care in the world. Dust off those tango need a release/break from everything. It helps.

MsKnowitAll said...

I agree with Kay C, engage in something you enjoy for release. I know all about being in a relationship or un-relationship as you put it and BEING all alone. It's an awful feeling but the best time for self-love and nurturing.