Saturday, January 2, 2010

I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO EXPLORE THIS LOVE

We are not done.

The love between us was created and nurtured before we were born. We have been friends for over 30 years. He is the prayer I have asked God for. I am the partner of his dreams. We are both afraid and tread cautiously. He is strong and unyielding. He is direct and tender. He is like no one I've ever known before.

Many of us have been foolish with our hearts. We are so free and easy with our bodies...touching skin with out a care. Real intimacy scares us. To talk with a beloved with full attention and tenderness is something most of us have never experienced. It is overwhelming because most of us (myself included) can talk so convincing about love but so unwilling to yield to love. My Beloved requires very little and I am quick to resist. My resistance is fear. My fear is rooted in bad habits and failed love affairs and a marriage ending in divorce. My Beloved is a Man. He knows my story, he bears witness to my flaws and shortcomings daily. He has tolerated my rudeness, and my haughtiness and my arrogance. I have been obstinate. Stubborn. Mean-spirited. And still he stays and loves me.

His issue with my blog isn't the blog, but my reluctance to share here and not with him. How can I whisper words of love in the most intimate moments, but not share what's on my heart with him in the waking part of the day. I am perhaps a fool. It appears that I am driving away a good man. Why am I am arguing over things that if I just let go of, my life would be infinitely better? Perhaps I am a fool. I see that now.

He is my beloved and I need to grow up and act like a woman who loves a man. I am not being hard on myself. I have learned over the years to recognize fear when it shows up. I just didn't recognize it disguised as doubt and annoyance and petty observations.

This is the love that showed up and presented itself to me in a lovely package of this beautiful man. I know this man. I know his story, his people, his character, his beliefs and his kindness. I know him, tasted him, slept under him and laughed with him. We've had great pillow fights. We've had long talks and long walks. We've showered together, dinned under candle light together, even took a road trip together. I owe it to myself to explore this loveship! I owe it to myself to explore who I am in love.

The Love Story Continues...

Always asking...Who Are You? and What Do You Want?

8 comments:

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

My goodness, Babz, if I didn't know better I would've thought this was partly my story. In my opinion, the only thing worse than fear is regret. I totally understand the hesitation, but let him love you, sis...you're more than worth it. He's not only your lover, but your friend...many desire that, but few can say they've experienced it. All the best!

~Melzie

DivafromSC said...

I, agree with CurvyGurl...you are totally worthy of his love, you deserve to love freely. Take a chance, it seems as if it will be worth the risk.

Keith said...

When We meet someone ,they get to know us and still love us anyway!
That's love...that shouldn't be overlooked!

Real Talk!

LadyLee said...

Wow, when the realization hits, it hits, don't it? Here's to working out that loveship, Oldgirl. And I see you're working it out...

Lovebabz said...

Happy New Year Curvy Girl (Melzie)!
There is so much to consider and to get through. I am unsure but moving forward as best I can. I am always optimistic and romantic!

Hello DivafromSC
Ahh taking a chance on love...yes! I've rolled the dice once before and for a good while it was grand...then snake eyes! LOL! Who now perhaps I will indeed take another chance on love!

Hello Keith! Happy New Year!
We are long standing friends... will always be no matter what happens in this loveship.

LadyLee,
My dearest Oldgirl...
Love is a fickle thing, full of ups and downs and highs and lows but so worth the ride.

Luv said...

i had to check to see if you weren't talking about me as well..especially when you got to name calling.

i beg you..don't let my story be your story..it seems as if you still have time..that his heart is still waiting for you...

i was afraid of love of opening up and now my blog has turned into one really long sad love song..

so.. do whatever it takes so if it does end you can at least say you honestly tried to make it work

fear is the devil's twin brother

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

You do indeed owe it to yourself to explore this relationship until you feel like it has ended or grown into something different.

People have faults, insecurities and the like. But something is there with this man at this time that keeps a hold on you.

((HUGS))

Her Side said...

I done lost mah mind. I didn't realize you were back to writing, so I come here to find all this great new content to catch-up on.

Your story continues, and I continue reading.

Note: I agree that your amazing use of words to describe the depths of your heart should show up at home before the blog. I am in awe of your willingness to share this journey with us that we may also learn & support one another.