Thursday, July 10, 2008

JULY 07-to-JULY 08

These are the ways I am deeply connected to you:
Our History
Our Children
Our Sense of the World
Our Faiths
My life has more meaning because of you.
We have a rich history together.
You are my comfort, my joy, my love.
Wherever we are together is home.
I’ll always be waiting for you.
I wrote this to my husband as he was preparing to leave. I put these words inside a photo of a house that looked like ours. But with a great deal of color and flowers...very whimsical (for some reason I couldn't cut and paste the lovely picture). I rolled it up and put it inside his wedding ring. I gave it to him with the hope that he would change his mind and come back home.
Well here I am a year later, and re-reading these words is like looking through a window and seeing someone else in my shoes! I mean I was sincere in my outpouring of emotion. Last year I was willing to tolerate a lot more nonsense. I was willing to accept his explanation of "I need space" " I am unhappy" "It's not's me" I was willing to be smaller in character, in thought and mind and spirit for his sake.
I am not that woman anymore. And seeing these words does not stir up sadness. I wrote them from a place of fear and desperation. I was in the thick of it. I had a lot going on and I was just trying to stand against the winds. I was trying to hold onto anything and everything. Trying to save my family in the midst of all the drama...that made sense to me.
Today a year later almost to the day, as a matter of fact. I am different. I am better different. Stronger different. Lovingly different. Happy different.
So here are my words to him today:
May you have peace of mind,
may you have peace of spirit,
may your soul be at peace,
may there be peace everywhere,
may there be peace between us.
Alice Walker


Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Funny how things change in a year's time...Only God can turn a storm into a rainbow.......Praise God for your peace...your release...and your new beginning.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Sister KKI,
It is amazing how much can change. I am still in awe when I go back and read my feelings from last year and how I am feeling right now.

Yes, God has a plan indeed!

the prisoner's wife said...

it's amazing how resilient people are & how far you've come. for you, it has only taken a year & THAT is a blessing!

thank you for sharing!

LadyLee said...

"I wrote them from a place of fear and desperation."

That right there, THAT'S where the core of many of our (us women)problems resides. We do SO much out of fear and desperation. If we could "screen" our actions and emotions through a filter and really ASSESS whether something is done from the heart or out of fear and desperation... then make it a POINT to cast that which is done out of fear/desperation to the side, and do what we KNOW we should do... I tell you, we could solve many of our issues. Many of them.

So just imagine if you were saying the same things some 365 days later... out of fear and desperation. You still wouldn't have him back. And you would most definitely NOT be experiencing the peace of mind you have right now. Go figure.

Yep. That's all I got to say about that.

Good for you. I like the Alice Walker poem.

Lovebabz said...

Hello TPW,
Only a year feels like an eternity. I had a lot of other shit to deal with that needed my undivided attention---thta was several years in the making. So the ending of the msrriage couln't get all my attention...It hurt and it was unexpected but not the biggest issue I had in front of me.

I think he saw an opportunity to leave as he knew I had my attention on my sentencing and the possibility of prison. He actaully did me afavor by running when he did. Because I could be still stuck on stupid! LOL!

Lovebabz said...

Sister Ladylee,

You know I was lucky. I had so much other shit that needed my attention that I didn't have the time to be caught up in the drama of him leaving. I could not give it my full attention. Once I was sentenced I had to coordinate my children, and my money etc. So He was not the focus. He left at a good time and I believe he knew that. By the time he filed for divorce which was not what we agreed upon...we had already been apart for over a year. So while I was handling everything else I was already recreating myself. I was already dreaming abigger dream for my life. Once I made the decision to let go that was liberating and I could feel the eight lifted.

Sharon because it had to be said! said...

The parallels in our lives continue to amaze me...

The last time I actually laid eyes on my ex-husband was July 8th of 2007. I went to Ohio and spent the week with him so we could spend the 4th of July together. Things weren't great between us, but I had no idea at the time how bad they were, nor did I know it would be the last time we would be together.

Shortly after returning home (within days), things headed south very rapidly. By the 23rd of the month, he wasn't speaking to me at all and I had no idea what the issue was. By August 5th, he told me he wanted a divorce and I was quite simply devastated and in shock over it all. I wrote several letters and emails to him in the same desperate state of mind you expressed without making an impact.

It would be more than six months later (New Years Eve actually)before I discovered the real reason: He was living with someone else.

This was around the time you and I first "met", and like you, I had already MADE THE DECISION to choose a bigger and better life for myself even before I learned of his infidelity and simply based on the callous way he had treated me and KNOWING I DESERVED BETTER.

Looking back now, I am amazed by what a difference a mere year can make in one's life. When I go back and read posts I wrote last July - Sept on my blog, I continue to be astounded! Me then and me now would not even be friends ;)

So just so you know, I totally feel you sistah and I too wish my ex nothing but the best. Here's to you and me and all the joy and love we both deserve ;)

Lovebabz said...

Sister Sharon,
Indeed we are on the same path!

Yes we are making our lives what we want!

Can you imagine how good next year will be!

Monique said...

Good for you, hun.

Shai said...

I am watching and learning from you. I have a ways to go and I am getting better day by day.

Lovebabz said...

Thanks Monique!

Hi Sister Shai,
We are all on our own paths. sometimes we meet like-minded souls on the journey!

I am trying to do my best to live how I want to live and love freely.

sista gp said...

You were really nice with the words and photo. I would not have put itside his wedding ring. I'd probably try to PUT it elsewhere.

As for the ring, I would be looking for a receipt, lol.

More power to ya, sis!

professor said...

you're good to be this far removed after one took me twelve years to get to that point...never mind the fact that he was not really paying me any attention except to dangle the proverbial carrot in my face once in a while to keep me in pocket...

Lovebabz said...

Sista GP
LOL! In those moments I was just trying to make a way for him to come home. But you cannot make someone love you enough to come back.

That's what I didn't want. I could not wait for him to make-up his mind about me and our life together. So I made up my mind about me and my life without him. I decided what I wanted and moved in that direction.

The Artist In Me said...

You have learned to forgive Love...the best medicine for the spirit.

Be blessed!