Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Let me just say someone emailed me this question: Why Someone Wouldn't Want to Marry Me. I thought a post would answer it...yes it is whinny...thanks Tony OH!

As I am contemplating dating again. I am thinking about what that will mean. How much dating will I do and what would be the point? I am not being pessimistic. I am a romantic optimist by nature and by choice.

In my 20's I loved dating. I loved having the numbers of different men and having their attention. I loved hitting the clubs and hanging out from time to time. In my 30's I was happily married and committed to one man. For more than a decade I was in a monogamous marriage. So here I am at 45 contemplating what I will do to meet men and date.

I can't imagine having a string of lovers. I can't imagine going from man to man trying them on to see who fits. And NO ONE gets access to my kids. And my kids, what in the world do I tell them? They have already been hinting that I might date. They are interested in knowing who I will kiss! Way too many Disney movies! LOL!

I am not sure men would find me appealing. Certainly not appealing enough to marry me. I mean here is who I am today:

I am too much of a homebody. I am no longer a party girl. My pleasures are different. I love being at home. I love tinkering with crafts. I love hanging with my kids. I am polite. I will call when I say I am going to call. I am rediscovering the joys of cooking fabulous meals. I love family. I like independent films. I can take care of myself. I love black & white films. I love jazz. I am not interested in being in a harem. I love honesty and truth---even if it hurts. I want and value kindness over ability to take me out to dinner. I like simple presents. I give simple presents. I have a fat tummy and fat thighs...I am no model! I like fine linen on my bed. I love nice things around the house. I love fresh cut flowers. I have friends who mean everything to me...that includes men who I have never ever slept with. I have 4 beautiful kids who do not need a father--but could benefit from another strong man who cares and loves them! Doesn't mind magazines, books and journals in the bed. Respects my quiet time. Is not threatened if I want to check a film or have dinner and cocktails with friends, even if those friends include men---who I have never slept with and do not intend to sleep with. I am a loyal woman and do not have patience for men who aren't. I am a fool for Christmas, Valentines' Day and my birthday.

I am going to date. And I am going to date for fun and without pressure. I am going to be open to new love and I do not plan on sleeping around no matter how horny I get! LOL!

Yeah no one is going to marry a woman like me...LOL!


Tony OH said...

Stop whining and prepare fro your blessing! If you don't put pressure in yourself to worry about who's going to marry you, then you may find that it's not all that important anyway. For Pete's sake, you haven't even thoroughly healed from your last marriage, so don't go putting extra pressure on yourself to jump back into another situation so soon! Don't even think about it.... Just Live! Don't make me have to come and spank you, as much as you may enjoy that! :0)

Lovebabz said...

I do so adore you Tony OH!

You are right! Relax and LIVE!

Someone asked me the question in an email and I thought I would make it a post. I am nervous about dating. I am. There is a big part of me not wanting to date, but then there's the part of me that likes having adult conversation over dinner and lovely glass of wine. And I don't want to just have casual sex.

Yeah this is whinning isn't it!

Spanking...WHO TOLD YOU! LOL!

LadyLee said...

LOL@ Tony OH's verbal shanking, followed by volunteering for spanking duties.

I so loved this post... It says "This is who I am".

Well I say good. Don't change who you are. Make the necessary corrections, as we all do, but don't change who you are.

I am divorced, and a little younger than you. I had to laugh, because I have many of the same habits/joys/idiosyncrasies you state. Even though I rarely date, I've had moments where I have had to tell men, "Look, this is not working out for me, and we shouldn't pursue what's not here". These were some of the moments where I found that I was proudest of myself. I wasn't desperate, wasn't wringing my hands over the issues... nothing. I made mature decisions, and for that I am proud of myself.

And I am sure you will too. Nothing wrong with this so called whining (although I don't think it is), but it's all good that you are being wonderfully honest with yourself. I applaud you for that.

Okay, I'm here now and sooo long ago by way of our girl Sharon. I will fade back into lurkdom, now. LOL.

sista gp said...

Uh, I think you have described what a REAL man would want in a wife, at least what my hubby describes.
He says no REAL man wants a woman who's been hopping from bed to bed, likes to run the streets, high-maintenance, don't like being in a kitchen, not a mother to her kids, and especially one who does not have self-respect.

Don't see a problem here...

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

if u find yourself appealing so will men

Monique said...

I think you'll get back out there and meet someone new. Even if it doesn't lead to marriage or something permanent, at least the experience was good and memorable.

I love that u know who you are now. Makes me think I keep thinking about who I used to be and not who I am or evolving into. Definitely something to think about...

Lovebabz said...

Hello Lady Lee,
I do hope you don't go back to lurking it is nice to see your posts! Tony OH is silly...however he has the luxury of being a man...he can date mulitple women and no one would call him a whore or nothing, they would put a crown on his head! No I can't say that I will change who I am...I rather like the me that is emerging!

Sista GP
I rather like the way your husband thinks! However I am sure he is arare jewel!

You are right! And I do!

Sister Monique,
I know who I am right now. I know what I can't be or do.

Aunt Jackie said...

As someone who is unmarried and hasn't been married dating comes easy when it's right..and apart of letting go is learning to enjoy the awkward moments, the silent laughter, the hits and the misses...

I think many women are so marriage minded they miss the process (then there's someone like me who may have missed the forest for the trees )

Enjoy each and every moment of you life.

Focus on what you want.

Let God do the work!

Lovebabz said...

Greeting AJ!

Yes I have turned this whole topic over to GOD. I trust that he will send me exactly what I need!

I am a woman made for marriage. Seriel dating is not my thing. But I will say that I will enjoy whatever comes my way and if nothing but dating shows up...I am gamed!

I do indeed enjoy my life!

Sharon because it had to be said! said...

Okay my sistah, I may be late but I am here and this is a subject on which I can speak with authority and from experience. First of all, you already know that you are me and I am you, from the timing of the decision to divorce to the women we are...enough said. That being the case, let me assure you of a couple of things:

- You can be the you that you are and date. There ARE great men out there who will not only want to date you but who will stand in long lines for the chance.

- Not wishing to sleep around or be otherwise promiscuous is not an issue as only men you would NOT want would take issue with this decision. I have been dating a man for 7 months now who I have yet to even kiss though the attraction between us is obvious to everyone with whom we come in contact. It is nice, kind of like being sixteen again but NOT b/c I am old enough and wise enough to appreciate it for what it is...taking the time to really get to know each other before clouding the issue with the physical.

-Though you are most likely correct when you assessed sistah GP's hubby as a "rare gem", I believe you have forgotten that though they are rare, there are literally MILLIONS of GEMS in the world so why would you ever doubt that one of them was created by our loving Father just for YOU!

So take it from one of your triplett sisters (I'm sure the other will show up shortly ;), who has been there / done that [very well I might add] not only will you date, but you will fall in love again with a man who will understand implicitly that he is not the only rare gem in your relationship. AND if it be your wish, you will be married again as well.

As it is said...Let it be done!

P.S. Ladylee is what GOD had in mind when he allowed the coining of the phrase "genorosity of spirit". I love her in blogland and in real life and you definitely want her coming around. She was born more wise than most of us are when we die!

Lovebabz said...

Dearest SIster Sharon!

You are so right. I am just know thinking seriously about my romantic life. And really trying to be open to what will come, and what I want.

You are good for my self-esteem!

And yes I gather that Sister Ladylee is quite wise indeed!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

NUTMEG: Be good to your kids and yourself. You deserve pleasure it because you are one of the GOOD people. You'd deserve it, anyway.

Feel free to set the terms of your own happiness. Once you've allowed social consructs to set the terms of your happiness your sentence gets extended to LIFE.

Is that what you want?

Here's a deal. When my divorce is final in a year, I'll marry you having never met you so long as I have an iron-clad prenup with no call option on any of my assets or cash-flows. I'll even go into the safe-deposit box and give you a diamond ring in an antique setting which you may keep for your trouble.

Then, turn the whole thing into a high-concept movie. Invent a socially-acceptable biography of your "husband", who's usually in the far-East on trade-debt business.

[I'm not White or Russian Jewish living in South America, anymore.

I'm now a "talented tenth" African-American man from Harvard, with North Virginia roots.

My father was a doctor at Sydenham but in an esoteric area like gerontology. My mother was from the deeper South but went to University Of Delaware and briefly ran Drexel's Small City muni-desk before becoming a full-time housewife. With Sydenham and Drexel long gone, who'd know how to even check??

....They avoided the cotillion scene because of their left-wing politics so you won't find me on any social roll. Everyting explained, si o no?]]

With that settled and all the marriage bona fides in place, you can go forward and live the life that brings the most success and pleasure to your kids and yourself without pressure!

Go forth unafraid.

Lovebabz said...


That's the best damned offer EVER!
You, my friend are indeed a very talented man...and absolute delight! And I might add chivalrous too! I love that you are looking out for my honor (smile). I feel like I am in an Edith Wharton novel...LOL!

I will check back with you in a year (smile)!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

LOVEBABZ: We've all beaten the "hustler"/"playa" thing to death on RDB without coming to any definitions that would meet the OED or AHD standard.

I mention this in my own favor and as advice from a young-middle aged (46yo) man. You can learn an awful lot by doing all the reading and the homework, showing up for class, studying for the tests, and making sure in life to keep those eyes and ears open and the mouth shut except to ask questions of those who know more than you do.

In life, that is. On the telegraph wire, we do no one any favors if we don't let it rip.

Lovebabz said...

I for one am glad you are my friend!

And indeed I do feel as though I learn a lot from you and RDB. So few men make room for women like me! You my friend have a great deal of swagger baby!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

LOVEBABZ: You miss my point. I meant that as someone whose life was led far away from all that, when friends described to me the whole "talented 10th" and "cotillion" thing and Virginia v South v Texas and all that, I listened rather than talked and filed it away, never knowing when that big of knowledge would be useful later.

When it was my turn to speak, I explained about the GERMAN-RUSSIAN-DANISH-SPANISH/PORTUGUESE-FRENCH/ITALIAN/GREEK-ADRIATIC-RUMANIAN-POLISH-HUNGARIAN-GALICIANER thing in the American Jewish world and how it still applies in weird ways almost 125 years on.

Lovebabz said...

OH Kelso!

LOL! Sometimes I follow along very well. I totally missed your point..LOL!

Yes...this is good and this would make a compelling story...imagine all the drama and intrigued of international proportions!

LOL! We should commit this to a book! LOL!

NoRegrets said...

You sound like a winner to me!!

Anonymous said...

You sound like someone a lot of people would be interested in to me!