Tuesday, July 8, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND

Last year when my husband hinted at separating and then recently filing for divorce I was completely wounded...DEVASTATED! It never occurred to me that I would not have his love always. I believe in the "til death do you part" I still believe in marriage and the vows and the commitment. But I am not talking about that today.

Yesterday I was standing in my kitchen talking with him about his new apartment and the camping trip and the upcoming trips I am taking and I realized I AM OVER HIM! The ties have been cut. I am no longer linked to him in a hurtful way. I believe I have released him! Now that doesn't mean I don't remember all the things that went on in our marriage...the highs and the lows, but I can remember and not feel like I want to get back at him for destroying it all.

I do not want to get back at him. I do not want to be mean to him, or snide, or nasty. No matter what kind of shit he pulls, I am not staying connected to him through drama. That's my light bulb moment! If I spend time wallowing in what he did, what he is doing, what he didn't do, what he said, What he didn't say but should have... then I remain tied to him. I remain TIED TO HIM!

I see this in other folks break-ups, the pain is so great that they stay tied to the person who left. All they can focus on is what that person said or did or didn't do. The gaping whole that was left is stunning. The person that left actions becomes the point of reference for all things relationship driven in their lives. They can't move on because they are stuck. They can't get over, because they have not cut the ties that bind. I have heard all manner of excuses of why the ties cannot be cut--the children, finances, reputations, etc. I have hid behind my excuses too. Afraid to truly let go because the unknown is vast and to be out there alone is scary and heart-breaking! And then to think how could they not want me! is the hardest part to get a grip on. The rejection. The fact that they would rather be with nobody than be with you. Or they found somebody who is better than you...or so you think and that stacks up more pain and hurt.

To fail at love is sad.

So I was standing in my kitchen yesterday having a lovely conversation with my Ex and I was very happy. I have cut the ties that bind. I am freeing myself. I am growing myself. He is no longer the focus of what I don't want. He is no longer the model of pain and hurt. He is not that large in my life and he no longer gets that energy.

The only way to happiness for me was to let go of him and forgive him. Otherwise to hold onto all that drama was like drinking poison and hoping someone else would die! Besides I am fabulous! Someone will see that and like it!

Yes indeed the ties that bind have been cut!

22 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

Yeah, sister, that's a great moment. It took me MUCH longer to get to it, though, with the Sun's dad, what with that infernal and neverending court case. But a funny thing happened, when it was done, I suddenly wasn't tied to him. Which I guess is what he knew, and why he kept it going so long. We've actually had pretty decent conversations lately, and though I'll never trust him, I don't NEED to be bound to him anymore, and it's really quite liberating.

Congrats, darlin!

LadyLee said...

Well said...

I clearly remember the very moment when I realized that the ties were no longer there in a couple of my relationships, most notably, with the ex-husband. Nothing like mental/emotional freedom. Nothing like it at all.

the prisoner's wife said...

yay for you! i'm so glad you've had this moment of realization and that you're over him...and so quickly. some spend YEARS and others never get over it (i.e. my father), so it's great to see you freeing AND feeling yourself, sis.

laurie said...

Wonderful post. Wonderful you.

Monique said...

Good for you! I hope that I can one day get to the level that you're at.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

That's awesome....I believe we hinder growth with unforgiving hearts....I willing does feel good when you finally get over someone...that's what's up Sistah!

Monica said...

Ahhh! Serenity! There is nothing like being at peace with whatever or whomever we 'feel' may have wronged us.

Having a renewed sense of self is one of the many gifts we get when we are free.

Look forward to... What's next! :-)

Tony OH said...

You've done the right thing Sis.... You must not harbor negative energy that poisons your soul. It's time for you to Live, Laugh, Love and Learn!
Rejoice, the manacles of pain have now been broken! :0)

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

GOOD FOR YOU!

It takes so long, but it feels good when that light bulb moment hits, doesn't it?

My friends thought I was crazy for going to lunch with my soon-to-be-ex, but I can finally look at him and not feel mad or sad or lonely.

I am elated that you have reached that point in your healing process. (I still swear we are living parallel lives, that was my next blog topic. Do you mind if I still use it?)

Lovebabz said...

Dear Bear Maiden,
I just decided that I needed to get on with things.

Ladylee,
I want to be a free woman and the only way to do that is to let go!

TPW,
Sister, the thought of spending years of wallowing in that was too much to bear. I want to get on with things!

Laurie,
Thank you kindly!

Monique,
It is all baout changing your mind and asking yourself who do you want to be and how do you want to live!

Keisha,
I think folks don't understand what forgivenss is. It is not about freeing them, it is all about freeing YOU!

Monica,
I am dreanming a bigger dream for myself!

Oh Tony OH,
You are so right! I am feeling myself and I like it...I love it!

Kay C. The Quite Storm,
Yes we are definitely on parallel paths! Sister, you can use whatever you like and need! It is all GOOD!

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, this is like a ephiphany for me...for the first time in 2 years i visited my ex's house where he was having a going away party for my babygirl...and i really didn't want to go, but my children begged me to come. So i went, prayer before an entered the house that we both once shared. Talked and hugged family members and then saw him with his new girlfriend. I thought at first that i couldn't handle it but you know what i hugged her too and introduced myself. This was a defining moment for me, it was the last straw in moving on...and although i left there energy drained, i also felt free, free to move on...free to love again, free without pain or regrets, free to be me an dlove again.

Sister P said...

Great post. My ex separated from me too but I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would so I never was bitter or angry. I'm glad you got to "that place". I can relate though from a friendship standpoint. I'm trying to do that with a friendship...I miss HER but not her DRAMA. Congrats to you.

Sharon because it had to be said! said...

My dear sister LB, kudos to you for getting to this place so soon considering so many people never arrive here at all.

My divorce is actually final now (as of April 7th), and thankfully though I still don't understand what happened I have let it go and moved on. The thing with me was that there would be days when I felt I was past it, and then I'd have a very vivid dream about him and want to confirm he was okay. I would call, he would NOT be okay, and I would do what I do...come to his rescue. I even convinced myself that the fact we shared this "mental" connection meant we "belonged together".

In the past whenever I dreamed of him (we lived in different states), it meant there was something wrong with him. I would rush to the rescue because that was the role I played in our relationship.

I realized just last weekend actually that the cycle was finally broken when I dreamed he was in trouble and rolled over and went to sleep without calling him thinking to myself, "I am no longer required to be his hero."

At long last true FREEDOM.

Your sister is very proud of you.

Aunt Jackie said...

Congrats to you sister, to be reclaiming your life, your energy and your love.

you didn't fail at love, you lived loved and learned, and forever is relative just like everything else.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

NUTMEG: It's a process like everything else if you loved the other person. The psychological rule of thumb is that it takes another half of the time from your first date to the breakup to get over it.

With my first marriage that time-frame pretty much applied and we broke up without any rancor. Our needs and expectations evolved differently and when the time came, we took a little pain immediately instead of either of us subjecting the other to a life the other didn't want.

As a result, the breakup was painful because the way we handled it was really out of love, but we're again close friends and I am god-father to her son.

I was never in love with my second wife so I feel nothing. I stuck around only because our son was doing so well that I didn't want to "fix" what wasn't "broken." It was a case of two alpha personalities battling for power and having gained the upper-hand, I knew the Al-qaida approach was her only option ultimately, so when she offered me the bluff of my work or her, I chose the former.

I feel only relief at not being with her. I have a desire to do what's best for our son and to limit my conversations with her to issues germane to him. Whether he'll undertand eventually is not in my hands.

I know that I can expect no end of hostility from her until he reaches the age of majority and can decide for himself what he wants to do with his life.

With her, it will be an endless game of "gotcha." But as you well know from your own life, experience is the best teacher, and I'm never in a position to be "gotten."

The phone ploys are pretty transparent. When the topics of her call switch from our son's grades on his last report to exotica about "residency" and "joint-and-several liability" I don't need a NEON sign to tell me to say to address such issues to my attorneys up there and licenciados y abogados down here!

That, my dear Nutmeg, is the residual problem of the ending of a loveless marriage. Is it better or worse than a cloud of sadness over the ending of a marriage mostly characterized by love and mutual respect? Pick 'em

Monica said...

I heard that!

Lovebabz said...

Hey MizR,
That takes a lot of guts! But you did it! I am in awe! But you are right we have to move on.

Sister P,
Yes I have broken up with friends too and that can be equally painful.

Sharon,
I have ad those realtionships too where I was so connected to that person that I could feel them. I still have those connections, but Ihave learned that I have those connections whether I was meant for that person or not. Good for you for not riding in and rescuing...that is indeed hard not to do!


AJ,
At first I felt like I failed, but now I realized that I learned what I was supposed to and I got 4 umbelievably beautiful children. I certainly will love again!

Kelso,
My marriage was not a love-less marriage...atleast not for me. I loved being married.

Hi Monica!

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

So true....we forgive....we get to live...and when we apologize we rise!!!!!

Danie said...

It is my daily prayer that one day I will feel the same things that you felt...I'm not there yet. The pain of his affair still bothers me...and when I see him...those feelings creep back up...I am praying for the day when I can just look at him and be OK and not see all of the pain he has caused me and my children....Thanks for this post...I know it just gets better with time...glad to know you are in such a better place...

sista gp said...

You go girl! More power to you, SisterCuz!

MsKnowitAll said...

Wow, a great post! And congratulations to you for you revealed freedom! You've been doing your well work and it's paid off. Your spirit and drive.

And as for your fabulousity - someone will see it and LOVE it!

Lovebabz said...

Yes Keisha you are so right!

Danie,
There is nothing you can do about the past. Hanging on to that anger keeps you stuck. It keep you tied to that past. It's not just time, but my fortitude in moving forward and not letting him have any more of my time and energy!

Hey Sista GP
Thanks I am moving forward!

Sister MsKnowItAll!
From your lips to GOD'S Ears!