Last year when my husband hinted at separating and then recently filing for divorce I was completely wounded...DEVASTATED! It never occurred to me that I would not have his love always. I believe in the "til death do you part" I still believe in marriage and the vows and the commitment. But I am not talking about that today.
Yesterday I was standing in my kitchen talking with him about his new apartment and the camping trip and the upcoming trips I am taking and I realized I AM OVER HIM! The ties have been cut. I am no longer linked to him in a hurtful way. I believe I have released him! Now that doesn't mean I don't remember all the things that went on in our marriage...the highs and the lows, but I can remember and not feel like I want to get back at him for destroying it all.
I do not want to get back at him. I do not want to be mean to him, or snide, or nasty. No matter what kind of shit he pulls, I am not staying connected to him through drama. That's my light bulb moment! If I spend time wallowing in what he did, what he is doing, what he didn't do, what he said, What he didn't say but should have... then I remain tied to him. I remain TIED TO HIM!
I see this in other folks break-ups, the pain is so great that they stay tied to the person who left. All they can focus on is what that person said or did or didn't do. The gaping whole that was left is stunning. The person that left actions becomes the point of reference for all things relationship driven in their lives. They can't move on because they are stuck. They can't get over, because they have not cut the ties that bind. I have heard all manner of excuses of why the ties cannot be cut--the children, finances, reputations, etc. I have hid behind my excuses too. Afraid to truly let go because the unknown is vast and to be out there alone is scary and heart-breaking! And then to think how could they not want me! is the hardest part to get a grip on. The rejection. The fact that they would rather be with nobody than be with you. Or they found somebody who is better than you...or so you think and that stacks up more pain and hurt.
To fail at love is sad.
So I was standing in my kitchen yesterday having a lovely conversation with my Ex and I was very happy. I have cut the ties that bind. I am freeing myself. I am growing myself. He is no longer the focus of what I don't want. He is no longer the model of pain and hurt. He is not that large in my life and he no longer gets that energy.
The only way to happiness for me was to let go of him and forgive him. Otherwise to hold onto all that drama was like drinking poison and hoping someone else would die! Besides I am fabulous! Someone will see that and like it!
Yes indeed the ties that bind have been cut!