My son Gregory got up this morning sick. I mean throwing up sick...YUCK! Today is Sunday, they sing in their church choir and it's "Stone Soup" Sunday. We aren't going. I called their father to see if he could come over and sit with Gregory while I took the other 3 to Church. He says OK but can I be back by 12 noon--he has something to do. Stone Soup doesn't start until 11:30 am. I am annoyed. He knew today was special, but of course what he has going on ALWAYS trumps what is best for OUR children. So my brother--who is always there for me and the kids said he would come at 11:00 am to relieve their father. My Brother has no problem dropping whatever he has going to take on my kids--each and every time I have been in need of childcare he has raced to the plate and stepped up. Then I just decided , forget it. I will stay home, we all will stay home. I am tired of bending to their Father's shit. He lives 15 minutes away and can't seem to come see them on a regular basis. He has a cellphone and can't seem to call them. Last week I told him this was last week I would hunt him down to talk to his kids. I am done trying to hold it down for him. Trying to explain his behaviour. I am done trying to make this work for him rather than for the kids. Sure he loves them, but talk is CHEAP! Maybe it's unfair to ask him to drop his plans for the sake of his child. But I do it EVERY TIME! And being late is different than not doing something at all.
I am taking a breath. I am refocusing my energy and redirecting my thoughts.
I am not giving this anymore energy. I am letting this go and I am not allowing this negative chatter to take residence in my heart and mind. In this moment I realize that it's not about being right or being the better parent. I am kicking my ego to the curb. I will do what needs to be done, joyfully and happily. My focus is my love for my children and my new found independence. I know I am on the right track because this morning was the first snow. I was dreading snow, but seeing it this morning warmed my heart and put a smile on my face. God is working for me. So my holiday music is playing in the background, Gregory is tucked into bed with a bucket nearby, Margeaux and Khalil are watching TV and Briana is reading in her newly cleaned room. Talk about a good day. It doesn't get any better than this. This is joy.