Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
Friday, December 21, 2007
FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I KNOW NOW...FOR SURE
I have been having these great moments of clarity around the current state of affairs that is my marriage. What I am beginning to realize is that once I take off the everything-was-bliss glasses and put on my this-is what-it-is glasses, I see a much more accurate view of the total marriage. When my estranged husband moved out and left us, I was so wounded. It was as if someone kept punching and kicking me while I was on the ground. He, on the other hand, does not see it that way. He has no hard feelings about it. He said he prayed and prayed about this and his answer was clear...leave. Now I am not one to challenge any one's conversations in prayer with God/Higher Power/Deity/Witch Doctor. But I do know he has no regard for my care and concern. You see if someone loves you they do not hurt you, they do not leave you in crisis or disregard your feelings. His leaving was not about me, but more about him and what he was not capable of dealing with. I own my contribution to the demise of our marriage. I was thinking that perhaps my actions were the larger contributor to the ending of our marriage. But in reality he has some deep rooted issues that were bigger than his love for me and what we were building as a family. I always understood that all marriages have tough times and I was fully committed to riding out whatever storm came our way. I believed in my vows--they were my shield and my blanket in the most difficult of times. He, however did not feel that and I suspect the strain of all that was going on, was too much for him to handle. As my "True Love" friends say--"He just did not have the capacity to go any further" Marriage and the commitment of marriage is about love, but more importantly it is about character and truly living the vows you take and make with another person. Sex is easy, romance created, but long lasting love requires diligence and kindness all the time. This revelation has freed me and allows me to see my estranged husband not as some romantic character from a fairy tale; but as a flawed human being who is trying to figure out his place in the world. We are on different tracks. I am clear about who I am and I am clear about the kind of woman I want to be. He has personal development work to do. At some point we all have to answer the basic questions: Who am I ? and what is my purpose? I already know real abiding happiness isn't tied to salary, homes, cars, multiple partners and status. I now know my happiness lies in making the world a better place. I know what my worth is and I know what I value. I wanted my husband to be at my side, so I pushed and pulled and carried him, hoping that the real him would show up and be ready to roll with me. This is my short comings, working on his potential and ignoring who he was really and fully. I totally ignored who showed up and tried to make him into my ideal and I think for awhile he bought into it and then woke up and realized he was lost...with a broken compass. I am changing and I feel myself letting go of him and the dream of him. I have a new dream and it's rooted in authenticity, happiness and faith. I wish him all the best on his solitary journey, and I can't wait around for him. I know that now...for sure.
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13 comments:
We women of strong will and deep loyalty must also be good listeners. We have to listen when men tell us who they are. Like you, I tried to talk a man into my version of himself. It's painful to let go of our versions and accept their versions, even if that acceptance means the end of a marriage.
Next time, we will listen and really hear.
Sister,
Next time I will most certainly be ready! Yes, I am strong willed and I am not apologizing for that. The next Man that steps to me will be grateful that I am.
Happy Holidays!
Although not married, I recently broke up with an ex. I just found your blog today so I don't know many of your details of your relationship so really this may be more for me than for you so please just allow me a moment! We had already broken 5-6 times and were in the midst of one more breakup that lasted about 8 weeks. At 8 weeks, I was making it just fine until I found out that I was pregnant. At this point, I realized that we were on two different planes when it came to our relationship, pre-martial sex, and what marriage means. It was a bit much!
I expected that he would want to try to work on the relationship and help me raise the child. By the way, we are both well educated business owners over 30. Instead, he did not want work on the relationship anymore (after 5-6 breakups almost understandable) and although he would provide financially, we was not willing to help me run my business (same type of business) or help raise the child.
It’s a double-sided sword. It hurts to hear the truth but it’s what I needed…although he really could have left out some details of his life’s plan that did not include me. If we continued to work on the relationship under the circumstances of my pregnancy especially, it would never work with his attitude. Hearing these words made the pregnancy issue even more difficult for me knowing that I would not have his support and it was not a child that we wanted. Furthermore, he did not understand why I wanted to have the child. However, at 33, considering my opportunities for pregnancy in my remaining child-bearing years, it looking a little bleak, I wanted to have the baby.
On the flip side of that, being a single, black mother, the life I want to lead with a less than one year old business on my hands. Did I want to ask my parents that already provided to me a significant business loan for more financial support in raising the baby? Would being a pregnant unwed mother detract customers? How long would be away from the business and how would the business survive while I was out on leave? Sure, I could find a man that loves me as well as my child but how would I meet him? How would care for the child when I wanted to go out while I am in a city with no family?
Without some days of interaction with the baby’s father who definitely has had some serious influences on my life in the last few years, I decided that I would abort the baby as I did not want to be a black, unwed, mother. I know I can’t look back now but I have my regrets. I never thought that if I got pregnant at 33 that 1) I would not be able to financially support the baby and 2) be pregnant by a man that does not want me or the baby. As he is Christian man and says that he wants to work on himself, I do hope that he does and also realizes that we should be together. I also know that this may never happen and I continue to work on improving myself, my self-esteem, and my business!
lpeezy,
Thanks for finding me. Yes you have a lot to say and your are welcomed to say it here. What I know for sure is that there is no convincing in love. He is not going to wake up one morning and say he was wrong and yes let's get married and raise our baby.
Just be still and do nothing except breathe. The more time you spend on him and his actions the less time and energy you have for yourself. There is no magic potion or spell that can make this all better. If ther was I would climb the highest mountain for it!
Take care of you and think about the type of mother you want to be. This is the beginning of an extraordinary time. Don't miss it.
Be still and let God move you. Quiet your mind, let go and Let GOD.
Become the woman you were meant to be. You can't get there froma a place of anger and frustration. Find your peace. Trust that you will do what is right for you and your newest blessing.
lovebabz,
Please note that maybe I will be a mother one day soon. Yesterday, the cashier said to me "you look like you can be a mother, " but I did terminate my recent pregnancy as I thought it was the right thing for me and my new business. Thanks for your encouragement as I work through the pain that is probably more from the abortion as I the relationship was already over.
Sister,
Go in Peace and know that you are not alone in the universe. Many women make that decision. My prayers are with you.
Move forward with your life. Become the one that you want. You are enough just as you are and as a wise person told me, "True Love will find you when you are ready"
You right. God bless and may the holiday season be a very special one for especially you and your family!
Wow,your an amazing woman. I wish I could be so strong and focused. You truly are an inspiration. Things may not always be easy but damned if they don't work out however they are meant to.
Greetings, Love Babz!
I found your blog via the Afrospear. My ex-husband walked out in November 2003. Like you, I was wounded beyond belief. Also like you, I discovered that my fantasy of our marriage didn't align with the reality of who he is OR who I am.
His leaving was the best thing that happened to me. After I got over him, his girlfriend, their marriage 1 month after the divorce, and the despair of recovering financially - I felt totally liberated. I'm me again!
When close friends say to you, "You were always unhappy and insecure with him," you realize it's better that the "monkey is off your back."
As a fellow woman-in-transition, I'll be adding your blog to my bookmarks.
hawa from
FackinTruth.typepad.com
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