Friday, December 21, 2007
FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I KNOW NOW...FOR SURE
I have been having these great moments of clarity around the current state of affairs that is my marriage. What I am beginning to realize is that once I take off the everything-was-bliss glasses and put on my this-is what-it-is glasses, I see a much more accurate view of the total marriage. When my estranged husband moved out and left us, I was so wounded. It was as if someone kept punching and kicking me while I was on the ground. He, on the other hand, does not see it that way. He has no hard feelings about it. He said he prayed and prayed about this and his answer was clear...leave. Now I am not one to challenge any one's conversations in prayer with God/Higher Power/Deity/Witch Doctor. But I do know he has no regard for my care and concern. You see if someone loves you they do not hurt you, they do not leave you in crisis or disregard your feelings. His leaving was not about me, but more about him and what he was not capable of dealing with. I own my contribution to the demise of our marriage. I was thinking that perhaps my actions were the larger contributor to the ending of our marriage. But in reality he has some deep rooted issues that were bigger than his love for me and what we were building as a family. I always understood that all marriages have tough times and I was fully committed to riding out whatever storm came our way. I believed in my vows--they were my shield and my blanket in the most difficult of times. He, however did not feel that and I suspect the strain of all that was going on, was too much for him to handle. As my "True Love" friends say--"He just did not have the capacity to go any further" Marriage and the commitment of marriage is about love, but more importantly it is about character and truly living the vows you take and make with another person. Sex is easy, romance created, but long lasting love requires diligence and kindness all the time. This revelation has freed me and allows me to see my estranged husband not as some romantic character from a fairy tale; but as a flawed human being who is trying to figure out his place in the world. We are on different tracks. I am clear about who I am and I am clear about the kind of woman I want to be. He has personal development work to do. At some point we all have to answer the basic questions: Who am I ? and what is my purpose? I already know real abiding happiness isn't tied to salary, homes, cars, multiple partners and status. I now know my happiness lies in making the world a better place. I know what my worth is and I know what I value. I wanted my husband to be at my side, so I pushed and pulled and carried him, hoping that the real him would show up and be ready to roll with me. This is my short comings, working on his potential and ignoring who he was really and fully. I totally ignored who showed up and tried to make him into my ideal and I think for awhile he bought into it and then woke up and realized he was lost...with a broken compass. I am changing and I feel myself letting go of him and the dream of him. I have a new dream and it's rooted in authenticity, happiness and faith. I wish him all the best on his solitary journey, and I can't wait around for him. I know that now...for sure.