Thursday, September 6, 2007

OCTOBER 1, 2007 12:00 NOON

October 1, 2007 12:00 Noon is my self surrender date. I got my letter yesterday in the mail. Let me back up. I took the kids over to see their Dad yesterday. They haven't been to his new place. I haven't been there since he moved there. I was stunned at how lovely it was. I mean it really was well appointed. So now now back to getting my letter from the U.S. Department of Justice, United States Marshals Service about self surrendering; I was completely numbed by it. I was so full of emotion about my husband's place that the letter was almost the last straw. I had no physical feelings--all the feeling had drained from my body and I was hollow. That is how great the pain was, that it left me feeling-less. I tossed and turned all night. So where am I now. I am trying to stay afloat and stay focused. I am trying to keep it moving. I am trying to stay grounded in my faith. I am trying not to think of falling down. I am trying to remember that I am a mother and that no matter what my kids need me. I am trying to hold on, I am trying to remember that I have people who really care about me. I am trying to remember that I am not alone. I am not alone even as I sit here in a quiet house with nothing but the sounds of the radio in the background. I am trying to remember that it doesn't matter about the whispers and the gossip and the shame and the humiliation. That there is only right now and the possibility of tomorrow. Ain't shit I can do about yesterday. On October 1, 2007 12:00 Noon I will surrender to do my 30 day sentence.

9 comments:

BottleBlonde said...

Wow. Seeing the day and time in black and white is impactful. You are still in my prayers.

And as far as what other people think, fuck 'em. They're not in your shoes.

laurie said...

Either of those events would knock anyone on their ass. Be good to yourself. Hang in there.
And and what bottlebonde said, re the mean gossips.

Two Feathers said...

self surrender... what an interesting couple of words...

It's got me thinking about myself, and what if I had a self surrender date... a date and a time to give it all up and surrender to life - to God - to Divine Order - to circumstances...

I see you peace filled and deliberate as you go through this intense period of growth and surrender.

Blessings!

Lovebabz said...

Bottleblonde,
Wow is right--I ghad the same reaction. It is nothing like seeing your realty in black and white. Thanks for the sentiments about what people think---you are right!

Lovebabz said...

Laurie,

No choice but to hang in. I am planning a sister getaway after my 5 months of home confinement is up! Can you say SPA!

Lovebabz said...

Two-feathers,
You are speaking my language. I love this post form you. It is amazing how you can apply this notion of self-surrender to your life and faith. You are onto something in the way that you are working this out in your mind. To surrender is not to give up, I think as it relates to the divinity, letting go and letting God.

Piecake said...

I hope you accept this with the good intentions it is meant. You might want to read this blog: http://beyondthewall.blogs.com/. It's about a man who is in prison for a 17 year sentence for defrauding investors. He writes about the peace and the good things that he has found.

All the best to you

Lovebabz said...

Piecake,
At first when I saw your posts I was thinking this was going to be a beat me over the head thing, but lo and behold when I clicked on the link I was so moved by what I read. Thank you, I am eternally grateful.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Now that was a bad day.