MISH-MASH...IT'S CLEAR TO ME

I feel like I have been dragged back to my past with the folks that have shown up in the last year.  I do not think they were meant to stay.  I think they stayed around long enough to give me the message that I can't go back.  But I needed to go back to see just how far I have come.  God is saying look you have survived that, now look ahead to your right now.  And you can't make someone into your ideal when they have tremendous work to do on their own.  You can't love someone into being or becoming your soul mate.  They gotta come ready and equipped and open for love.

I gotta shed some folks and some of them are family.  I don't mean cut them out of my life. I mean I gotta push them out of my circle and love them from a distance.  I am tired of spending time with folks who don't have the same mindset as I do.  Their idea of fun was fun but now I am longing for something else.  I have always had that feeling, but I squashed it. Maybe because I wanted to belong and be accepted somewhere. Maybe I was too lazy to go and find my tribe.  I am not suggesting I am better than anyone. I just know that what I am doing is not what I want to be doing.  So it's an all out sprint to my dreams.

I love this question: What Would You Do If You Knew You Couldn't Fail? I gotta go and answer this. I gotta put some purpose and direction in my action....take action on all fronts.  There is something stirring...or better still, I am listening to what's stirring inside. It is time to move in that direction. To listen and respond by doing and moving. I don't have eons to get this.  There is a sense of urgency but not desperation. The more I begin to embrace this changing mindset the more I feel at home in it. 

This may seem like a mish-mash of things,but to me I am feeling very clear.  It is all coming together like pieces of a puzzle.  I just have to remain open to listening and then acting upon the message and the direction. I've done a lot of the hard work already.  I have thrown myself to the wolves.  I have been raked over the coals. I have walked through fire. I have bent over backwards. I have played the fool.  I have been a villain. I have been shamed. I have been at the end of my rope. I have fallen from grace. I have been abandoned. I have been hurt. I have been rescued. I have been sold. I have been fucked and fucked over. I have been on my knees in pain and in pleasure. I have called on God every hour of everyday in love and in anger.

There is nothing for me now but to head the call and send of God. There is nothing that I want, except to make this life of use. To take this life and let it be a ministry.  As I sit, the way becomes clearer. I don't know what it means yet.

What is clear is that I am listening.

Are You Who The Person You Are Looking For Is Looking For?

Everything in my life brings me to this moment.  It is no accident that I am on this path at this time in my life.  There is path that I am making with every step.  It is not the road less traveled, however it is a road uniquely my own. There is transitioning in my life. I can feel it.  The signs are there. The gift of divine guidance is present. And I am receiving the message.

This is the question: Are You  Who The Person You Are Looking For Is Looking For?
Answer: No.

The last 2 years has shown me that I have (more) work to do. I am not relationship ready no matter how much I wax poetic about a loveship.  I am not prepared.  I do not have enough to offer. This is not a beat down analysis.  This is naked truth.  I wouldn't choose me.  I am not being mean.  I am not being self-defeating. I am growing.  And in growth there has to be truth telling.

For the next year, I am going to stop dating. Be celibate.  I am going to get my financial house in order.  I am going to get my physical health in order.  I am going to embrace my faith more fully.  I am going to break bad habits ALL OF THEM!  I am going to immerse myself in tools and books that support this thinking.  I am going to learn all that I can about me. I will revisit my Love List and become all that I say I want.

I am moving away from the fairy tale mindset of if I meet the right person then everything will be alright.  It won't if you are not prepared and ready. To live happily ever-after means being a woman handling her business. I must be my very best self and exhibit qualities that I want to see in someone.  What I want I must become.  You attract what you are. Who you are with reflects your state of mind.

Now that I know this.  I must be about the business of becoming myself.  I can no longer just accept whatever comes my way.  I must become and exhibit the qualities I say I want in a soul mate. In order to do that I gotta tell the truth about my life and truth telling means, stop ignoring what needs to be done and hoping someone will come along to fix it. And I have to quit hoping they don't notice all the mess and just love me as is.  Well that is a tall order and lazy.  There aren't too many places in life where that would be acceptable.  So why am I inviting someone to accept that and then get upset when they won't. I wouldn't accept it.

A year is just the right amount of time to give myself back to myself. So when I ask this question Am I who the person I am looking for is looking for on 5/27/12 I can say YES!

Donny Hathaway-For All We Know

Hey Davis, take care...be well. I remain your biggest fan! This is where we part company. This is where our paths split and we go our separate ways. There is no sadness or regret...OK maybe a little. But we both have our dreams and we must pursue them with all deliberate speed. I have real love love for you...know that always.

Goodnight...good-bye.

YOU DESERVE MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE....

We do not trust that real love exists.  We settle for what looks like love and we make do.  We tell ourselves this is good...everyone comes with mess and this is the mess I am choosing to stick with. We do so much heavy lifting in relationships that give us so little happiness and joy that we almost believe we are happy and joyous in them.  We accept, tolerate and even support being given so little.  You deserve more than just a little.

Some of us can't face the notion of being alone or on the search for a new love. So we patch up what we have and keep it moving.  We tell ourselves all I can change is me.  And yet we don't, because if we did we wouldn't waste our time with mess.  Why do we want so little from someone? Why don't we ask boldly and grandly for love that is larger than life.  Love that takes your breath away everyday! And why do we accept someone else's opinions on what love is for us.

I just spent two years with a man who is beautiful and lovely but so not in harmony with my spirit.  He constantly was telling me I should do xyz, or that my thinking wasn't right, or that I need to ask more questions.  He was exhausting.  And yes, I miss him, but I am glad that he is gone.  Perhaps he will become more mellow and less critical. Perhaps he will become more joyous and light-hearted.  Perhaps I will become more serious, more focused, more disciplined. Or maybe not.  I do know what love is and there is no settling for anything less than amazing.  I want more than just a little...I want the whole damn thing!

BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE

If you need mental health support seek it.  If your thoughts are dangerous and destructive. Seek help! Immediately!  But for those of us who experience depression or have the blues, or feel lost, alone and drifting, here's my advice:

GO BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE.  Go be of service to something or someone outside of your universe.  Take your mind and attention off you you you you.  When you go and do something for someone else you will be lifted in ways you can't imagine.  So much of our mess is our thinking clouding our judgment.  We want what we want and we are mad, pissed off or disappointed when things don't go our way.  We hang too much of our happiness on things, people and more things.  And when I say we....I mean I.

It is easy for me to focus on my messes.  I get consumed by what I see as lack and it leads me down the dark, narrow path of feeling less than.  This is where depression sits and waits like a stalker ex-lover.  If I am not careful I can find myself wrapped up in a nasty fight.  This is why I stay in prayer, in tuned to all the good things God has laid out before me. What grounds me is when I turn my attention to being of support and help to someone. Offering my ear and spirit to hear someone without judgement and advice. And to sit and be present and listen with God's blessing.

My ministry is my smile and kind words to someone who needs real human interaction.  Being a blessing to someone calls me out of my own self-defeating thoughts.  I am the magic I want to see in the world.  I have the power to change some one's life as well as my own just by being kind, patient and loving.  On days when I am not kind, patient, loving, I have to push myself to be kind, patient and loving. Putting my attention on something other than what I perceive as my mess is the best way I know how to change my mood and delight in my blessings. I am not alone and I am not the center of the universe.  I can be a blessing to someone.

ACTION ACTION ACTION

You get more than one chance at the majority of things in life.  Three strikes only pertains to baseball.  You get as many chances as you are willing to take!  That is the beauty of living.  You are not limited except by your own design.  No one gets to limit what you attempt to do.  No one has the right to kill your dreams, stomp on your wishes or block your blessings.  Not even YOU! 

I have long since rooted out the negative forces in my life so I don't have negative folks...frenemies (friends who are enemies) whispering their poison of DON'T CAN'T SHOULDN'T.  However, the world still goes round and those messages are still shouted and I can still hear them.  It takes a great deal of will to push back the world and its influence. 

So I am back at looking at my goals, wishes and dreams.  I am looking at where I need to act right now to get the results I want.  The results I want to see are multi-fold.  I want to see them, but I want the journey to achieve them to be loving, fun and positive.  If I hate doing it every minute of the day then that can't be a good goal to begin with.  So what am I saying?

My attitude has to be in harmony with my actions.  I mean I gotta be more than willing to push myself.  I gotta go the extra miles.  Out of contemplation mode...into ACTION mode!

ACTION ACTION ACTION! That has to be my mantra as I push myself toward my goals.  This is on me and I am ready. Doesn't matter what I started and stopped before.  Doesn't matter what the failure rate was last time.  There is only ahead and I am moving in that direction.

GOOD BYE REALITY SHOWS...YOU'RE FIRED! I AM CASTING MY VOTE FOR ME!

I am giving up Reality Shows.  I never thought I was watching that many.  I told myself I was discerning about the ones I gave my attention too.  I certainly didn't like shows that I thought were insipid, triffling and just plan outrageous.  I thought I was watching shows that were inspiring, motivating and intellectually interesting. HA HA HA!

I am realizing I am neither inspired, or motivated, by any of the ones I watch.  I was giving my attention to shows and taking away from pursuing my own dreams, goals and tasks.  Sitting on my couch intensely concerned about someone else reaching their goal of singing, cooking, racing, designing, decorating  did nothing for my motivation to reach my own goals.  How is it that I can cheer on stangers on tv and not cheer my ownself? Not push myself to the limit and yet I can encourage reality show participants to keep pushing.  Aren't I in a challenge?  What's at stake in my own life? I mean I need to redirect that thinking!

So I am giving up my reality shows.  Guilty pleasures that serve to do nothing more than dully entertain me, medicate me, divert my attention from focusing on my own quality of life and those around me in my care.  I am not knocking reality shows.  What I am doing, is putting my own life in order and pursuing the things I say that I want.  This is a quality of life issue. How do I want to live? What do I want on my mind and in my spirit.  In reality my life is as real as it gets...no cameras, no audience, no cheering fans. Just me, myself and I with kids.

Have I wasted time? I don't think so. I rather like to think that I get the message as needed. And I am getting the message that I need to turn my attention back to my own goal chasing.  I need to redirect my cheering away from "them" and back to me!  So goodbye Realtiy Shows, YOU"RE FIRED! I am casting my vote for ME!

AT A CROSSROADS? MAYBE NOT.

Maybe the thing to do when you're at a crossroads is to stay right where you are.  Bloom, thrive, grow, blossom right where you are.  Maybe the choices ahead are not choices you need to make.  Maybe the universe is saying where you are is where you ought to be.  Until 5:00am this morning I believed that moving forward meant moving up or down the road.  I believed that to move forward meant I had to physically move.  When I realized that moving forward isn't about geography, but rather inner peace, commitment, discipline and willingness to clear my mind, I was totally blown away.

When Dorothy came to a crossroad, she asks "which way Toto?"  but in the end you realize she always had the power to go home.  She never had to go to Oz.  But for some of us we go to Oz because we don't get the fact that we have the power....right where we are.  We think because we are at a crossroads, that the thing to do is to choose one path over another.  But I am saying no.  The choice can also be to stay.

Running from life (insert problems, pain, fear, success, etc) often masquerades as crossroads.  I have run away from things, people, places under the guise of making different choices.  But the reality was and is, is that I just couldn't deal with whatever it was causing my pain.  I could not press on, get through or move forward...or so I thought.  As I look back I realize I was just running.  Pain, fear and vulnerability will do that.  You look for another place to be where you think all the pain, fear, and vulnerability won't be. I believed if I just move somewhere else, I will be different. But I learned that everywhere I go, there I am!

Right where I am is the place to be and that moving forward is a state of mind and consciousness.  The crossroads that I periodically find myself are not simply questions of which way.  But more like where am I and how am I?  The power to move forward rests solely in my thinking.  Right here is right where I am supposed to be today.

PRESSING ON

My mind is a powerful thing.  I mean I can imagine a life for myself that blows me away!  I create my own reality. I am focused.  And though it may seem like a slow burn to those who are not me, I am clear about what I am doing.  Oh, now I wasn't always clear.  I've let the choir of "They & Them" sing me to doubt, uncertainty and fear.

I cannot allow the choir of "They & Them" craft the blueprint for my life.  My opinions, desires, dreams, are sacred.  I must treat my thoughts and actions as sacred.  I must surround myself with folks who deem me and my passions as sacred. Folks who hold my dreams as sacred as their own.  That is the real foundation for love... holding me and my spirit in sacredness.  And I gotta do that for me first.  You can't give what you don't have. So I gotta have something in that sacred space of my life to cultivate and share.

I press on seeking truth in my life.  Seeking truth in my desires.  Seeking truth in the things I value and love.  I am always asking  "Who Am I and What Do I want?

LOVE WITHIN

Love is a courageous thing.   Seeing possibilities in all things is optimism at its best.  To lay down your sword and remove your armor is a real act of liberation.  I have to let love in and let love out.  Fear takes on so many forms that we are easily seduced by what we think we see and believe.  Love casts out doubt.  Love allows for bravery.

Love is not unique to lovers or children or things and objects.  Love is not committed to theory and thoughts.  Love is action... the every day doing of kindness and generosity to myself and to the world around me.  Love starts within.  LOVE STARTS WITH ME SAYING I LOVE ME! by deeds and actions.  Love can't be pulled out when things are going well and I am celebrating.

I hold fast to love as it settles all around me.  Even when I am in deep despair and heartache.  Love prevails.  I only have to look upwards and allow the love around me to comfort me, and carry me to peace. You have to be willing to allow love to do that.  That is where the courage comes in...my willingness to allow love to be.

I AM more in love today than ever.  The love that I bask in comes from within.  One of God's gift to me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! AND HERE'S WHAT I WANT...

Turning 48 is powerful! I feel more of myself than I ever have. The fears that dogged me in my 20s and 30s seem like small grains of sand in the hour glass of my life. What was I so worried about? I am embracing growing older...I rather like it. I have learned a few things and I am compelled to make them cornerstones for living.  I am becoming.

So here goes:

No more catering to bullshit.

No more investing all my emotional energy into other's people's shit.

I will say NO to stuff I do not want to do.

I will wear what I want to if it makes me happy!

I will go at my own pace through my life.

I am tending to my own dreams.

I am stopping myself from caring about what other people think about my choices, 

my decisions, my life, my shoes.

I will go out more...ALONE!

I will do all the things that broaden my intellect and my experiences.

Will put myself at the top of my list EVERYDAY!

I am done having relationship conversations with people who are not interested in relationships.

When talking to people about their unhappiness I will point them to their own north star
 (because they already have the answers yet they act like they don't).

I am going to craft more...tap all that artistic energy that is waiting to be let out.

WILL FALL IN LOVE AT EVERY TURN.

PHOEBE SNOW...SOMETHING REAL

This is one of my FAVORITE songs! Listen the lyrics and let them move you and see if you don't totally agree! I know I do.