Things catch me off guard all the time...as if I am unprepared for the shit that people do. Each time that I am hurt it is like the first time ever. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. You would think I would be more protective of my heart. I am not. So I get wounded. The wounds affect my willingness to be intimate and be open and welcoming. This is the side affect of a wounded heart and spirit. Its not about being on guard it is about becoming unwelcoming. Each hurt pulls me further and further away from a welcoming heart. Love waits on welcome...not on time
So here I am living this life. Noticing that I need to be kinder to myself and to give myself a break...but at the same time I need to push myself beyond the mundane and the moderate. I am not living as grandly as I like. I am not chasing the day. I am still controlled by fear and what-ifs and lack. Self doubt is commanding a strong offense and I am feeling helpless in my defense.
I am fearful and afraid. I have tools to combat this. I am summoning all my courage and all my self preserving tools. The eternal optimist in me loves to win and is not going to go without a fight. I have a fighting spirit. I know how to climb hills and mountains.
So this week I am creating a life strategy that I am launching for my birthday. I am reading and discerning and meditating and praying as I am about to turn this ship of a life in a new direction...uncharted waters.
MY BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN
NEXT SATURDAY MAY 2ND IS MY 46TH BIRTHDAY
CELEBRATE WITH ME BY PICKING AND EMAILING A SONG...LYRICS...LINKS TO SONGS. I WILL POST THEM ALL!