Self discovery is an amazing thing. But only if you are willing and open to the truth about who you are. The truth about how you are in the world and with other people. Standing in the mirror and staring at yourself dead-on can be uncomfortable. Do I like what I see? I am not solely talking about the physical. But the me that makes decisions. The me that loves or not loves. The me that lives inside of this body. The me that can wrap lies and half truths around me like a blanket.
There are times when you need the comfort of lies and half-truths to get you through. There are times when being a fool is a blessing. We live in mess until we gain strength to move on. Not that we are weak but that we are afraid. We are convinced that what stands before us isn't so bad...job, friends, lovers. And yet it doesn't bring us joy so we begin to back track..."well who can be joyful and joyous all the time?" And that's how we remain stuck on stupid. We talk ourselves out of going after all that we want. We settle and we accept and we make excuses for mis-treatment, mean words, bad behaviour and disrespect.
The last couple of years have been a time of tremendous growth for me as evidenced by this blog and all the posts. I started this blog so wounded that I could barely breath, I couldn't stop crying and I was just a total wreck. The more I blogged the better my vision became about who I was and where I was going. I could see where the pitfalls were and I could examine my heart. I could dream. I have learned a thing or two about trusting my instincts and paying attention to my feelings. I have set my feet and heart upon a path of healing...seeking joy and seeking love. Yes indeed there were pitfalls. I fell back into a pattern of allowing my neediness to cloud my better judgement and I got stuck on stupid again. But that's OK. I am known for my epiphanies. I am blessed with the gift of intuition and feeling. Those gifts have never failed me...I have failed them. But I am not trying to beat myself up for being a fool. I am hugging myself for the clarity of this moment. I needed what I needed and I got it. Now I need something more. I always needed something more.
This Lenten Journey is directing me to a place of better self care and kindness toward myself. The creative and spiritual divinity is calling me to take better care. I can see it with clarity. The truth is I have not put myself first at all. I have concerned myself with the happiness of other's and have lost sight of my own happiness. I am growing as I did when I began this journey. What I needed last year I do not need this year. The scraps thrown my way are not enough...I am not full. I want to be full. I want to live with a full heart.
I walk on with a new resolve to self-care and self love. Shedding anything and anyone that does not positively and lovingly feed my spirit and heart.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam