This has been a very trying couple of days for me. I have been crying and feeling so overwhelmed by the heaviness of my life. I can feel the sadness of losing so much. I can feel my spirit not being able to hang in or hang on. I am tired and overwrought. I am alone and the aloness is so loud it is deafening. Last night I asked God to give me a break. Seriously I just need to catch a break. I got up this morning with the same sense of needing to catch a break. Needing some KIND thing, some happy news, something that will push me out of this valley. I slept fitfully. I am tired.
This morning as I was driving my kids and a couple of other kids to school (I am the carpool mom) It dawned on me, I have tools to pull me through! I have learned over the course of my life how to pull myself up off the ground. I have got to reconnect and summon all my tools for self preservation. I know how to be my own hero in my story...my life.
Pulling into my driveway I realized I can do 1 of 2 things 1) let the malaise over take me and stay stuck in fear and insecurity and helplessness or 2) Get on with it and kick some self-pity ass. I am choosing 2! Why? because steel sharpens steel, baby and I am by now EXCALIBUR!
I am laying out my tools that will pull me through. This is what I do when the world has me on the ropes and I might being going down for the count:
1) Call my blood Sister Lo. My Sister is the Queen of optimism and Can-DO! and my very best friend on the planet. Nobody talks hard truths like my Sister Lo. Nobody soothes my aching heart like her. She knows my history...we share it. She reminds me of where and who we come from.
2)My Best Friend Ron. No matter what, he is always on my side. Always extending his ear and shoulder to me. 20 years and we are still the bestest of friends. Nobody has ever been as kind and generous to me the way he has been. No matter the day or the hour he is available to me.
3)Call my Sister-friend JB. She is new to the tool kit but baby she has been an amazing addition. I swear she has single-handedly gotten me through the handling of my divorce...she helped me change my heart and mind about it. I would not be this far developmentally without her. She has a keen sense of clarity of what divorce means and how it makes you feel. She understood my pain and motivated me not to be defeated by it. And she bakes me vegan sweets that soothe my soul!
4) I blog. I read other blogs. Blogging has been a way to connect with the universe in a way that a journal does not. I know there are like-minded folks out there who know what I am talking about when I blog my heart out. And I can feel their well-wishes!
5) Sit and chat and play with my kids. They seem to be intuitively linked to me. They know exactly when I need their hugs and kisses. I swear they are Angels. When they call Mom it is as if God is reminding me he is with me all the time.
6) Gratitude Journal. Even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty there is always something to be grateful for.
7) Crafts. I love focusing on some creative project. Nothing makes me happier than creating something.
8) Books of inspiration. I have a fabulous stash of books by folks that speak directly to my soul. Marianne Williamson and others like her, Books of Poetry, books of inspiration and devotion.
9) Romance movies. Nothing cheers me up like a good romance or romantic comedy. I have a great stash... Four Wedding & a Funeral, Sense & Sensibility, Under the Tuscan Sun, Pride & Prejudice, Auntie Mame, The Women--both versions.
10) Church and my Minister. My Church has got to be one of the coolest around. I've never in my life met people who are so willing to give and help and support. I am always happy when I am with my Church family.
11) Remembering who I am and what I have done thus far. Reminding myself that I have accomplished and done a great many marvelous things.
12) Prayer & Meditation & Rest. Turning my attention to God as my friend and redeemer. To sit and quiet the mind. To be present with the living...nature...spirit. Worrying robs you of rest. I nap. I dream.
13) There are other tools that enhance these top 12. Additional folks who answer when I call. Who periodically check in. Who had my back in the darkest of darkest moments. Who truly are friends to the end. Who show up and a re present. Who know me and love me all the same.
If I am still in my spiral downward free fall, I revisit each one with intensity. I don't quit until I am feeling renewed and motivated to get up and get on with it. No one can go it alone. We have to have support systems in place. The magic is reaching out and saying what I need and allowing the help to come. What is needed will come.
The Lenten Journey continues.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam