Friday, March 13, 2009


This has been a very trying couple of days for me. I have been crying and feeling so overwhelmed by the heaviness of my life. I can feel the sadness of losing so much. I can feel my spirit not being able to hang in or hang on. I am tired and overwrought. I am alone and the aloness is so loud it is deafening. Last night I asked God to give me a break. Seriously I just need to catch a break. I got up this morning with the same sense of needing to catch a break. Needing some KIND thing, some happy news, something that will push me out of this valley. I slept fitfully. I am tired.

This morning as I was driving my kids and a couple of other kids to school (I am the carpool mom) It dawned on me, I have tools to pull me through! I have learned over the course of my life how to pull myself up off the ground. I have got to reconnect and summon all my tools for self preservation. I know how to be my own hero in my life.

Pulling into my driveway I realized I can do 1 of 2 things 1) let the malaise over take me and stay stuck in fear and insecurity and helplessness or 2) Get on with it and kick some self-pity ass. I am choosing 2! Why? because steel sharpens steel, baby and I am by now EXCALIBUR!

I am laying out my tools that will pull me through. This is what I do when the world has me on the ropes and I might being going down for the count:

1) Call my blood Sister Lo. My Sister is the Queen of optimism and Can-DO! and my very best friend on the planet. Nobody talks hard truths like my Sister Lo. Nobody soothes my aching heart like her. She knows my history...we share it. She reminds me of where and who we come from.

2)My Best Friend Ron. No matter what, he is always on my side. Always extending his ear and shoulder to me. 20 years and we are still the bestest of friends. Nobody has ever been as kind and generous to me the way he has been. No matter the day or the hour he is available to me.

3)Call my Sister-friend JB. She is new to the tool kit but baby she has been an amazing addition. I swear she has single-handedly gotten me through the handling of my divorce...she helped me change my heart and mind about it. I would not be this far developmentally without her. She has a keen sense of clarity of what divorce means and how it makes you feel. She understood my pain and motivated me not to be defeated by it. And she bakes me vegan sweets that soothe my soul!

4) I blog. I read other blogs. Blogging has been a way to connect with the universe in a way that a journal does not. I know there are like-minded folks out there who know what I am talking about when I blog my heart out. And I can feel their well-wishes!

5) Sit and chat and play with my kids. They seem to be intuitively linked to me. They know exactly when I need their hugs and kisses. I swear they are Angels. When they call Mom it is as if God is reminding me he is with me all the time.

6) Gratitude Journal. Even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty there is always something to be grateful for.

7) Crafts. I love focusing on some creative project. Nothing makes me happier than creating something.

8) Books of inspiration. I have a fabulous stash of books by folks that speak directly to my soul. Marianne Williamson and others like her, Books of Poetry, books of inspiration and devotion.

9) Romance movies. Nothing cheers me up like a good romance or romantic comedy. I have a great stash... Four Wedding & a Funeral, Sense & Sensibility, Under the Tuscan Sun, Pride & Prejudice, Auntie Mame, The Women--both versions.

10) Church and my Minister. My Church has got to be one of the coolest around. I've never in my life met people who are so willing to give and help and support. I am always happy when I am with my Church family.

11) Remembering who I am and what I have done thus far. Reminding myself that I have accomplished and done a great many marvelous things.

12) Prayer & Meditation & Rest. Turning my attention to God as my friend and redeemer. To sit and quiet the mind. To be present with the living...nature...spirit. Worrying robs you of rest. I nap. I dream.

13) There are other tools that enhance these top 12. Additional folks who answer when I call. Who periodically check in. Who had my back in the darkest of darkest moments. Who truly are friends to the end. Who show up and a re present. Who know me and love me all the same.

If I am still in my spiral downward free fall, I revisit each one with intensity. I don't quit until I am feeling renewed and motivated to get up and get on with it. No one can go it alone. We have to have support systems in place. The magic is reaching out and saying what I need and allowing the help to come. What is needed will come.

The Lenten Journey continues.

Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam


Tha BossMack TopSoil said...

Number 7 & 11 I like tha most, tho i like them all.

Moanerplicity said...

Each and every one of the things you listed are worthy coping tools in getting OVER ourselves & our stuff. It's good that you KNOW they exist at your disposal and you are able to pass them on to others who might be feeling funky.

Sista Lo, on the real, I think depression is a very easy thing to embrace & easier to consume us. AND... w/out getting all spiritual about it, much of that embracing is the devil's work. He WANTS us to be that way, and to NOT see, not recognize, not acknowledge our Blessings.

I don't have to try very hard to let myself become depressed, upset, pissed off, or deeply troubled about certain events in my life. Even today, there's something bothering me & trying its damndest to occupy my JOY space. But guess what? I refuse to LET it. We can always say NO!

We can ALWAYS & in ALL WAYS so NO!

Snatch JOY!


Lovebabz said...

The BossMack,
Hello Brother! How nice to see you here! Itrust all is well. I am glad you like them.

Yes I do so like that...We can always say NO! I am going to keep that on my heart. said...

Hi there!

I am sooo happy that you have a support system within your church family.... so many people go to church every week and no one knows them.... it is such a blessing that you have folks who will love you and love on you.

Her Side said...

I'm back from vacation and catching-up on my reading.

It is soooo funny you should talk about this... because I discovered something during my relaxing vacation: Somewhere in recent history, I stopped using my toolbox to invoke serenity during the chaos of my daily life. It's like I put the darned thing in the closet to collect dust.

The same relaxation I experienced on vacation is available at home if I just remember to grab the tools. The "vacation" feeling was fantastic, and I felt it slipping away shortly after arriving home. The difference was so stark, but I needed to feel it.

Thank God for the reminder that the unease (1) is not normal (2) can really break you down and (3) doesn't have to be a chronic condition!