But I am putting to rest some issues. I have been consumed with my weight for quite some time. I have been putting so much value on my weight loss efforts that I have lost my mind about what is really important. If I died today, I doubt very seriously that anyone, anywhere, would say "oh but she was so fat" I am ashamed that I have put way too much energy on this. Sure I know better. But I have not done better. I have used this issue as brick wall to stop me from doing all the things that make me happy. I have second guessed myself and I have assumed that others would judge me as harshly as I judged myself.
Today I am letting this go, burying this shit, if you will. I realized that my worth is in no way related to my size. That sexiness is about what's on my mind. That size is not an indicator of anything other than insecurity. I do not want my children to bear witness to this body-hatred. I do not want them learning to pick apart their bodies and only look for flaws. I want them to love themselves wholly and fully and authentically.
So today is my last post on my weight. I am done whining about this. I am done focusing on this. I am done. I am going to be my fabulous self. I am going to be mindful of what I eat, I am going to move my body and I am going to live my life. This body houses my spirit and my spirit has had enough.
I don't know if women are more body conscious than men. I don't know if men unfairly judge themselves against other men. I do know that I have been the harshest critic of me than anyone could ever be. I was not a fat child, I was not a fat teenager. But I was always bigger than my peers, taller and bigger. I was a perfect size 14 from high school to college. I modeled for money as plus size. I was a size 14 and in those days that was the largest you could be as a plus size model. And I remember thinking I was so big then. And clearly that was ridiculous. So this body-hatred was with me always. I am tired of this. And I have other things that need my attention.
Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!