Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Ah another epiphany. I am having them all the time now. Why? because I am opening my self up in ways that I never could imagine. My new ah-ha moment came as I was talking to my sister-friend JB. I was working hard at not letting myself get caught up in my estranged husband's drama. Earlier in the week I asked my estranged husband if he could watch the children on a specific date in a couple of weeks. He could not. He has plans. I do not ask him for much. But in those rare occasions that I do--this is what I get: "I can't. I have plans" So rather than let myself internally combust I called JB. She let me vent for a few moments and then she very clearly said: "It isn't about him not loving you, it is about him being disloyal to you." It was as if the heavens opened wide and the angels began to sing. In that moment I knew she was right. He has been disloyal to me. DISLOYAL! My soul can not abide disloyalty. Loyalty for me it is akin to "true love" So of course I had to call my Sister Lo and talk for about an hour on this. She said "JB articulated what you knew all along". Estranged husband is DISLOYAL. She prompted me to look at at his life and the course of our marriage. It is is right there as clear as the water you find on the beaches of the Dominican Republic--my favorite Island...but I digress. JB was so right. Once I accepted this, it was as if another burden was lifted from my shoulders. I am no longer wrangling about why he doesn't love me anymore. What is love without loyalty? He knows so little about family and commitment and community and long-standing friends. He never had those experiences. He never stayed with anyone or anything long enough to grow roots. He has been on a job for many years, but a work ethic is not the same as family connection. I knew this when I met him and I chose to downplay the importance of this. I believed like so many women, that My Love would see him through, that my bustling family would embrace him and take him in. They did, I did, we all did. But it was not enough. And I suspect he was suffocating in all this family. I don't really know for sure and it is not for me to analyze. I do know that the next time I get married...and there will be a next time! I will spend a great deal more time discerning my choice and what qualities are of value to me. I did not choose unwisely this time. I think I married who I was supposed to marry for that time in my life. This is a new chapter and I am becoming a different sort of woman and my desires and wishes and hopes are far greater than ever before. So this means that as I am building a new list of what I value in a mate, loyalty will be at the top.

In 2 weeks My Brother Bob-O is sitting with the children while JB and I check out Anna Deavere Smith in her new play "Let Me Down Easy".


laurie said...

Babz, you are awesome. 'Nuff said.

KreativeMix said...

Fabulous!!!!!!!!! You're so inspiring.

Mizrepresent said...

I feel you Babz, glad that you are moving on and able to go see that play. Have a wonderful time.

Krissyface said...

Your estranged husband and mine would get along swimmingly...
the biggest challenge of our lives is to realize that we have absolutely no control over what others do, or how they feel about us. We can only focus on ourselves; we are powerless over the rest of it. What a freeing thought! Keep up the positive thinking!

Hawa Bond said...

D*mn. I'm years past my divorce but I can still co-sign on your aha! moment.

Funny how elusive the truth can be, but how deep it cuts once heard. I too see how loyalty - and not loss of love - can intensify pain.

Heck, in the end neither of us were really feeling each other. And that was okay. But I did expect him to have some kind of regard for me as the mother of his young son.

I remember when my ex-husband first left. I was devastated at how he treated the separation. I was horrified that he didn't wanna pay child support. I couldn't believe how he put his mistress over our son. It was like watching a monster emerge. I never questioned my judgment more than my hindsight judgment in marrying my ex-husband.

I guess I didn't care so much that he didn't "love me like that." I honestly couldn't figure out why loyalty didn't get him to infuse respect into the transition process.

Excellent writing. :-)

Hawa from:

Lovebabz said...

Laurie, Thank you--I am trying to keep it moving.

Kreativemix, God is directing my path--somedays are better than others.

Misrepresent, Honey I am hoping that I am a lot wiser and will be much more prepared for "true Love"

Krissyface, you are right all we can take care of is ourselves.

Hawa Bond, it is those ecpectations that we have for someone else that sometimes trips us up. Everybody ain't able or capable of being honorable and loyal.

the prisoner's wife said...

knowing is beautiful.

coming to these "ah-ha" moments help us to become who we need to be. i'm so impressed that your blog is all about LOVE and you are divorcing (or are separated? sorry, i'm new 'round here *smile). so many of us have become bitter or have turned our backs on the possibility of love, it's so nice to see you are learning & accepting of what you've experienced & are STILL hopeful at the future.

THAT is so beautiful!

Lovebabz said...

Prisoner's Wife,
If not love then fear. I choose love hands down.

--Witchy-poo-- said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now. Very much enjoyed and it has helped ... my husband walked out in October and I can identify with the wild river of emotions you've been on since yours left. The loyalty thing ... such a huge issue to me. I felt his lack of loyalty months before he actually moved out, although I tried to tell myself it wasn't true, that he was the person I had believed he was. Oh, anyway, just to let you know I appreciate what you write, and it speaks to me.
Best wishes, Witchy