Ah another epiphany. I am having them all the time now. Why? because I am opening my self up in ways that I never could imagine. My new ah-ha moment came as I was talking to my sister-friend JB. I was working hard at not letting myself get caught up in my estranged husband's drama. Earlier in the week I asked my estranged husband if he could watch the children on a specific date in a couple of weeks. He could not. He has plans. I do not ask him for much. But in those rare occasions that I do--this is what I get: "I can't. I have plans" So rather than let myself internally combust I called JB. She let me vent for a few moments and then she very clearly said: "It isn't about him not loving you, it is about him being disloyal to you." It was as if the heavens opened wide and the angels began to sing. In that moment I knew she was right. He has been disloyal to me. DISLOYAL! My soul can not abide disloyalty. Loyalty for me it is akin to "true love" So of course I had to call my Sister Lo and talk for about an hour on this. She said "JB articulated what you knew all along". Estranged husband is DISLOYAL. She prompted me to look at at his life and the course of our marriage. It is is right there as clear as the water you find on the beaches of the Dominican Republic--my favorite Island...but I digress. JB was so right. Once I accepted this, it was as if another burden was lifted from my shoulders. I am no longer wrangling about why he doesn't love me anymore. What is love without loyalty? He knows so little about family and commitment and community and long-standing friends. He never had those experiences. He never stayed with anyone or anything long enough to grow roots. He has been on a job for many years, but a work ethic is not the same as family connection. I knew this when I met him and I chose to downplay the importance of this. I believed like so many women, that My Love would see him through, that my bustling family would embrace him and take him in. They did, I did, we all did. But it was not enough. And I suspect he was suffocating in all this family. I don't really know for sure and it is not for me to analyze. I do know that the next time I get married...and there will be a next time! I will spend a great deal more time discerning my choice and what qualities are of value to me. I did not choose unwisely this time. I think I married who I was supposed to marry for that time in my life. This is a new chapter and I am becoming a different sort of woman and my desires and wishes and hopes are far greater than ever before. So this means that as I am building a new list of what I value in a mate, loyalty will be at the top.
In 2 weeks My Brother Bob-O is sitting with the children while JB and I check out Anna Deavere Smith in her new play "Let Me Down Easy".