Tuesday, January 8, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LOVING CHILDREN EVEN WHEN THEY TRY TO MANIPULATE YOUR PAIN AND WHY I WANT THEM TO GROW INTO WHOLE HAPPY ADULTS

My children are amazing. They go along with the best attitudes. These last few months have stretched them to the roof and beyond and I know it. I am their mother and I love them, but some shit just can't be helped. Their father left us. According to him he didn't leave them he left me...he just didn't take them with him. OK whatever. As I said a few posts back he has personal development work to do...but I digress. My youngest Margeaux seems to be visibly having the toughest time. She longs for her father all the time. She misses him. I suspect they all miss him, she is just the most vocal and has not learned the fine art of hiding emotions...yet. So a few nights ago she screamed at me about not being nice to her father and arguing with him and it's my fault he doesn't want to live here anymore. I was wounded, I was stunned. I called my Sister Lo, who in her wise way said: "Of course they blame you your the parent that stayed and has to do the day to day, making them eat vegetables, enforce bedtimes, wash their clothes, take care of them. Yes, children are twisted like that" She advised me not to take that beat down from some little 5 year old. So the next night Margeaux starts in at bedtime---I stopped her cold and said: "Do you think I wanted your father to leave us?! He left us! I am here and I am taking care of you! So now we all have to deal with the changes--yes you can be sad and mad and miss him and love him and call him anytime you want. But what you are not going to do is beat me up about your father leaving us. I am not going to be yelled at or spoken to in a mean fashion. I am the mother I am in charge and you will be respectful." Well they all were a bit taken aback because lately I was giving them a lot of room to vent and to blow off steam and really let their emotions come to the surface...within reason. But at some point you have to decipher what is real and valid, otherwise kids will play you. Margeaux was sad and mad about her Father not living with us--but the outbreaks magically happen at bedtime...see my point. So as Mother/Warrior Queen/Boss of all children, I had to shut that mess down. I know there are some child psychs who will be pissed off that I didn't explore this further...Fuck that. That child was trying to manipulate me. Yes she has some issues, but we will work on them before bedtime.

Now the other part of this is much more forward thinking. I don't want my kids chasing anyone for their affection...not even their Father. I do not want to see them as adults recreating this part of their lives in adult relationships--trying to work out childhood wounds in adult relationships. So it is important for them to see me living through this transition in joy and happiness. They need to see that I got this. I can take care of them and that I am cordial to their Father and we are still on one accord as far as they are concerned. So this life in transition that is mine is also theirs and I must be ever mindful of my steps from here on out.

7 comments:

James Tubman said...

heartfelt post

thisis the dilema that millions of families face all over the country

you know you have a terrible educational system when they'll teach you latin and triginometry before they teac you how to get along with the opposite sex

in the schools they teach you everthing but the basics: how to raise children, how to communicate so that you get what you want, how to get and keep a man or a woman

this nation has it's priorities in the wrong place and it's starting to show

Lovebabz said...

Indeed we want to teach everything except sex, but we do teach sex--just not in a productive, positive healthy way--way too many mixed messages and signals. I loved being married and I believed in my vows. But I have to move forward with kids in tow. This is their first real glimpse into the crazy world of being adult. They are going to be fine. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you are off to a fabulous New Year!

Tall Gurl in Utah said...

Wow, I don't know if I could be as logical about the whole thing. You are truly an amazing woman and some guy is giong to be very lucky to have you one day. In the meantime your children are truly blessed.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Tall Gurl in Utah,
Sister, I don't feel amazing. Sometimes I am whipped to the bone. But I try to meet each challenge with as much grace as I can. Yep, my kids are great--I am more blessed than them. I hope you are having a great start to the New Year!

Jennifer said...

I agree with tall gurl in utah! A wise and fortunate man will find you.

BottleBlonde said...

Margeaux reminds me of myself when I was a kid and my parents got divorced. I blamed everything on my mother, who did nothing but love and take care of me. My father loved and took care of me as well, but it was my poor mother who bore the brunt of my anger.

As you know, Margeaux will grow to realize that you are a WONDERFUL mother, and that you did the best that you could do for her. She'll also appreciate you disciplining her like that ... when she's much older of course. :-)

Lovebabz said...

Thanks Jennifer--from your lips to GOD's ears!

Hey BB,
Well if she turns out half as charming and witty as you then I will feel very damned good!