Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I have been battling weight for quite sometime. OK not really. I sort of just let the weight arrive little by little until one day I looked at myself and WOW! I am really heavy. Heavier than I want to be. I was fine as a full-figured beauty--size 18 was OK, but now I am just Obese--size 26/28. I weigh 278 lbs. I am 5'8 I need to lose at least 100lbs. I realize that if I don't take care of me, love me that I will be doomed to die at an early age like my mother at 58, her sister at 40, their mother -my grandmother 60. My Dr. once asked me:"what are you doing to change that fate for yourself" Hhmmm...I don't know I answered. Then he said you got to lose weight! I have high blood pressure, I am close to having diabetes, and I am always tired and I drink too much alcohol. No I am not falling down drunk, nor am I drinking to oblivion. However I could cut back.

Being raped as a child by my Father and then having him sell me for sex to others was very traumatic and I believe has a lot to do with why I am carrying all this weight. Now I am an adult and what was done to me, was done and I have made some peace with that. However there is a part of me that is hiding behind this weight. I know this. And I know I have to deal with it. I can't in good conscience continue to talk about love when I am not fully in love with myself. I have to fall in love with myself. And that means taking greater care of myself. I have little kids and if I want to see them all graduate from college and I do, then I have to love myself more than I already do to lose this weight.

And then there's the vanity issue: I am getting divorced and at some point I will want to date and have mind-blowing sex. There is no way I can think about that now; but I want to be ready. I want to be game ready! I want to be fit and fabulous. I want to love myself more and have it show. So today I am making my plan. I am resurrecting my on-line support group that I started 2 years ago, I am making a timeline. I am going to really make this year my last year living fat! I am going to date me, I am going to pamper me, I am going to support me, I am going to love me MORE!


Sister P said...

I "hope" this is my last year being fat. Noticed I didn't say that I was determined to make it my last year. I'm only embarrassed about my weight when I see my parents and sister who live 500 miles away. People where I live have only seen me at this weight and don't judge me (openly). I go back and forth between lap-band and going for it on my own. It's a tough decision. Don't know if I'm ready to focus that much on me. I'll be checking for your online group. I may be ready then.

Miss Britt said...

Wow - best of luck to you!!

Divalicious said...

I just wrote a blog, abut reality check for me, when I blatently told the doctor "Why don't you just tell me I'm old & fat?"

I wish you the best of luck and please know that you're not alone.

Good luck!

BottleBlonde said...

Being raped as a child by my Father and then having him sell me for sex to others was very traumatic and I believe has a lot to do with why I am carrying all this weight.

A feeling of sickness came over me when I read this sentence, Babz. The fact that you went through that kind of HORROR and still came out the strong, black woman that you are today is nothing short of a miracle. Every post you write makes me fall in love with you more and more.

Would you give me your e-mail address? If you're not comfortable putting it on here for the world to see, could you send me a line at my e-mail address: confessionsofbb@gmail.com so that I can e-mail you back? I wanna talk to you about something private.

P.S. You're featured on my blog!

laurie said...

Holy shit, Babz! You are amazing. And you can do this.

Princess TinyButt said...

that's my girl - err, umm, warrior queen!! you go queen!

be well :)

~Miss Smack said...

Like Bottle Blonde, I would also love to engage in private email with you. I reckon you're fantastic. Thanks to BB for sending me to your blog.


Don said...

I am sorry to hear what your father did to you

Sage said...

I'm really sorry about what happened to you during your childhood. No child...no person...should have to endure such torment.

Kudos to you for having the heart to share your story. I've learned that talking/writing about painful experiences is truly therapeutic. And sharing your story often helps others in their healing process.

Good luck in your quest for a healthier you...stop by my blog sometime if you get a chance. I've written on exercise and nutrition and have some links that you might find useful in your journey.: http://poshsage.blogspot.com/2007/08/exercise-nutrition-healthy.html.

BTW, I found your blog through Don. :-)

Lovebabz said...

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. I know I have a lot going on...more than most I suspect. But I feel somehow very blessed. I am more than just standing. I am taking control of my life. What was done to me as achild was horrific, but as an Adult I get todecide who I want to be. I define me. And everything that has happened has its place and I give it all the reverence it deserves. I am moving forward and if I have my way...and I will, I'll be stronger and lighter!

-Q. said...

Good luck with the resurrection.. Alot of time people dont get the credit:not for what they've done but for their effort. I've only read this entry but the feel the effort. Im 26 and im really just growing in to my own. Im realizing the thing my mother did at an age your children are now. I am son, like any other, like yours.. And your a mother.. they might not be able to say it and even if they do, they might not be able to express or even understand the overhelming thanks they have, but for for all who dont have it in them to say to you like many other wonderful mothers just trying to be worth while to others and self sufficient , Thank you, you make all the difference.And most importantly your effort is greatly appreciated. -Q ThreadingRoots.blogspot.com