Monday, February 4, 2013

UUGHH! WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING? (Caps mean screaming)

There are so many moments in my life where i have met up with myself.... gotten to know what I was made of. Even as i feel like I am drifting, I don't feel lost.  I feel like I am treading water.  I am not drowning, but I am not swimming either.

I sorta feel like Dorothy as she says to Toto: Where to now?  The yellow Brick Road is never just a straight  endless walk... OK sometimes it is.  Maybe that's what I am experiencing, a straight walk .  There are no immediate decisions before me, just the usual ones that beg me to do right.  And by right I mean, do what is necessary to get to where I want to go.  WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT?

WHERE THE FUCK DO I WANT TO GO? Huh.  This is my real crux of the matter... I don't know where I want to go.  I don't know what I am working towards. I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

Oh dear.  I am digging way down deep now.  I thought if I just filled my days pursuing long held dreams that I would happily fall into my hearts desires.  I have and I haven't.  Man, I have done a lot of things in this life, a lot!  But none of it is anything I would want to do til I die.  Except drink wine.

This is where prayer and stillness will take you... to the abyss of your life and force you to look over and up toward GOD. I have been averting my eyes, focusing on outward movement and tuning out the inward movement.

Damn it.  Where am I going?  I feel like those Hebrews wandering in the woods...and I don't have 40 years to figure it out.  I don't know how much time I have... I just know that wondering/wandering around isn't purpose driven or, is it?

I don't feel anxious.  I feel worn thin.  I don't feel sad, just disillusioned.

What to do? Other than drown myself in really good wine and wild indiscriminate
sex.  SIGH.  Even half of that sentence has a snowballs' chance in hell of happening.

Let me just give myself some room to grow and develop. I don't have the energy to work it out here.


2 comments:

Her Side said...

There's a whole'lotta wandering in the Bible, which leads me to believe that such a state is God-given. The question is: Will you listen to that small, still voice when you reach the boundary of the desert?

Even those who don't subscribe to Christian beliefs describe periods of "wandering," and the beauty of purpose, drive, and direction that came afterwards.

My personal view: Wandering represents quiet and solace. It's much easier to recognize opportunity and purpose from that place than from a state of busyness...

Be well.

Lovebabz said...

Ah you are so wise. Thank you for bringing back from my own bullshit.