I want to be happy all the time. I want to live a joyous bouncy life. Why shouldn't I? Who says I can't? And what is the purpose of ongoing sadness and suffering?
What am I willing to do for a joyous bouncy life? What am I willing to let go of to get what I say I want? Haven't I asked these questions before? And yet I am finding myself standing in the questions aisle again. Why am I not moving in the direction of my dreams? What am I waiting for? And I am waiting. Waiting to start. Waiting to start eating right, reading more, dancing more, loving more, etc. I am the Queen of waiting.
I find myself grateful for little pockets of happiness and joy. I act as though more happiness and joy would be greedy. I am too concerned with the chorus of doubting thoughts that sit in my mind. Life is too short for temporary happiness. I want full-time love, full-time joy, full-time happiness.
I am not talking about not paying attention to the realities of my life. I am clear about what I am up against on a daily basis. My situation is overwhelming if I allow it to manage me like that. I have long since given up that kind of desperation. I do live with some anxiety and a bit of fear of the unknown.
I am sure this has to be all about turning 49 in May. And 50 next year. There is a sense of running out of time. I have accomplished a lot of things. But the thing that I want most is to know and feel and give is unconditional love. I am close in that quest, after all I am a mom. Being a Mom has grown me into love in ways I had no idea existed. I was a wife and that gave me a glimpse of stability and vows that could be honored. There is something more..a love that transcends time and space. I have felt its magnetic power throughout my life, but could never quite embrace it. I do believe my love time is arriving. Like a train, either I catch it or wait for the next one and there's no telling when the next one will come. So I gotta be ready to jump on this one.
This is what I am setting my mind to: Full-time living. Life is too short for temporary happiness.