I am spending too much time alone. I am a social person and I am a reclusive person. I have to stay mindful about finding balance. I can go long periods of time without hanging out with anyone. I avoid activities because I can't be bothered. And yet I love connecting with people. I love laughing and talking and being in companionship.
I can't seem to put my finger on this part of me. I know I struggle with intimacy and closeness and sharing my feelings. Could this be a part of that? I never connected the dots until now. Mr. Love's main criticism of me is I don't share enough, I am not forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings. Uugghh! He is right. Am I making a great enough effort to be more open and transparent? As I am excavating my deepest emotions I can see fear as the foundation for my intimacy issues. I know I am afraid of giving so much of myself away that I won't have anything left. And the more I reveal, the more there is to dislike. Aha! The more I reveal, the more there is to dislike. The more I share the more there is to dislike. WOW.
Here's my thinking, if I continue to share my feelings, then Mr. Love (or anyone...friends...potential lovers) would see my weaknesses, flaws, shortcomings, ugliness. I would be exposed, too naked and unlovable and subject to rejection. This is the bogey-man in the closet: rejection! unlovable!
I can see where I can be with people for short periods of time and then disappear. I can pop in and out of people's lives as I like. I can see that I do this because in my mind I am not allowing them to know me fully and deeply. Time spent is wonderful and then off I go like a thief in the night. When I show up again, I am missed and folks are happy to be in my company. The problem with this is I miss out on deeper connections. I miss out on intimacy. I miss out being with people through all facets of their existence, joys, pains, love, loss and I in turn deny them the opportunity to be there for me.. I am unreliable. Sure if needed I will show up. I am talking about the mundane showing up. I am talking about being unreliable in the ordinary day to day living. I have created a great distance between the love I say I want and the love I am willing to give. Being present means willingly showing up and standing in the gap. I have let my fears create a whole way of existing that doesn't give me what I want at all, on the contrary it does the opposite. I am alone in a world full of people! I am alone even in the midst of great friends, family and a man who is doing his best in loving me.
What to do with this new revelation? I will move as God would have me. It is said that once you know better, then you must do better. My awareness calls for immediate action. The action I need to take moving forward can't be half-assed.
Today I become reliable.