Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Fear Of Sharing: How I am Unreliable

I am spending too much time alone. I am a social person and I am a reclusive person.  I have to stay mindful about finding balance.  I can go long periods of time without hanging out with anyone.  I avoid activities because I can't be bothered.  And yet I love connecting with people. I love laughing and talking and being in companionship.

I can't seem to put my finger on this part of me. I know I struggle with intimacy and closeness and sharing my feelings.  Could this be a part of that? I never connected the dots until now.  Mr. Love's main criticism of me is I don't share enough, I am not forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings. Uugghh!  He is right. Am I making a great enough effort to be more open and transparent? As I am excavating my deepest emotions I can see fear as the foundation for my intimacy issues.  I know I am afraid of giving so much of myself away that I won't have anything left.  And the more I reveal, the more there is to dislike. Aha! The more I reveal, the more there is to dislike.  The more I share the more there is to dislike. WOW.

Here's my thinking, if I continue to share my feelings, then Mr. Love (or anyone...friends...potential lovers) would see my weaknesses, flaws, shortcomings, ugliness. I would be exposed, too naked and unlovable and subject to rejection. This is the bogey-man in the closet: rejection! unlovable!

I can see where I can be with people for short periods of time and then disappear. I can pop in and out of people's lives as I like.  I can see that I do this because in my mind I am not allowing them to know me fully and deeply.  Time spent is wonderful and then off I go like a thief in the night.  When I show up again, I am missed and folks are happy to be in my company.  The problem with this is I miss out on deeper connections.  I miss out on intimacy. I miss out being with people through all facets of their existence, joys, pains, love, loss and I in turn deny them the opportunity to be there for me..  I am unreliable. Sure if needed I will show up.  I am talking about the mundane showing up.  I am talking about being unreliable in the ordinary day to day living. I have created a great distance between the love I say I want and the love I am willing to give.  Being present means willingly showing up and standing in the gap. I have let my fears create a whole way of existing that doesn't give me what I want at all, on the contrary it does the opposite.  I am alone in a world full of people! I am alone even in the midst of great friends, family and a man who is doing his best in loving me.

What to do with this new revelation? I will move as God would have me.  It is said that once you know better, then you must do better. My awareness calls for immediate action.  The action I need to take moving forward can't be half-assed.

Today I become reliable.


Tiffany Nicole said...

I am firm believer in transparency not for the sake of others but for me. The more I expose of myself the more I am allowing truth to reach my most inward parts. The only want to drive out darkness is by light. Transparency is openness before God and those who are in my closest relationships.

I am finding the more of me I expose, the more healing I recieve. Your revelation is your first step. Now you must act. That action could painful, but the reward is glorious.

Thank you for sharing...

Big Mark 243 said...

I had to come back to this post because it explains so much about sister-girls in general. But let me tell you that this self-awareness of your inability to be close and intimate on a daily basis is very important, as it allows you to have a base point from which to go from.

When I think about what makes a good friend, it is simply that they are 'there', not that they come through or bail them out of jams. A friend is someone you are just around and that is where a lot of loveships struggle. Are you the kind of person that YOU want to be around?

The thing about any kind of relationship is that the best of them ebb and flow when it comes to the giving and sending of affections. You also learn how to give to be present in a relationship and overcome fears to stay in that one place you need to for a relationship to be successful...