This is my defining moment in love.
A break through is at hand.
All my fears are racing to the surface. There is no more room in my heart, body and soul to house them any longer. I am being called out. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO CREATE THE LOVE SUPREME? WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO CREATE A LOVING, HARMONIOUS ENVIRONMENT? HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU RETREAT WHEN YOU ARE ASKED TO GIVE MORE OF YOURSELF IN LOVE? STAY AND FIGHT FOR US, FOR YOU, FOR LOVE!
I spent all of my life retreating, even when I was forging ahead I did so without allowing real connection to people, places or things. I hold people at arm's length. I'll let you in, but not all the way. And I will woo you with sex, witty conversation, and a big beautiful smile...those are my tools/armour/shields. I flee in anger at the first sign of challenge. SCALE THE CASTLE WALLS I SAY...and he does and still I retreat. I vehemently promise to do better, be more open, communicate and share. I lie. I've lied, I am lying.
Regardless if this man leaves. I still have these demons to slay. They are at the gate and will not go quietly. They want to take over and keep me rooted in fear...afraid to love...afraid to open up to anyone. Intimacy isn't solely about sexual encounters. It's baring one's soul, it is sharing your fears out loud, it is trusting what is in front of you is a gift.
I can send this man packing. I can ignore my fears, I can continue to pine for the fairy tale. But at the end of the day where am I? What am I willing to do on my own behalf for love? This isn't about breaking up or staying together. It is about clarity of my heart, soul and desires. It is about truth. A truth that I have long been running from. Truth that I have not fully embraced.
There is a lot of internal work that I must do. Oh I've done a lot of it already, but I am not out of the woods. He is my mirror. My reflection of what is and what can be. All I have to do is reach out and not look down. Love is right there. All I gotta do is extend myself. One foot in front of the other toward it. It doesn't matter if its a tightrope or high wire across the Grand Canyon. If I keep my eyes focused on love, the distance and height are of no matter.
Here I am out on a limb, bracing for a fall. Do I move forward where love awaits or do I turn back to where I think its safer? Do I give it my all, or do I quit?
Always asking the question WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?