This is my defining moment in love.
A break through is at hand.
All my fears are racing to the surface. There is no more room in my heart, body and soul to house them any longer. I am being called out. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO CREATE THE LOVE SUPREME? WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO CREATE A LOVING, HARMONIOUS ENVIRONMENT? HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU RETREAT WHEN YOU ARE ASKED TO GIVE MORE OF YOURSELF IN LOVE? STAY AND FIGHT FOR US, FOR YOU, FOR LOVE!
I spent all of my life retreating, even when I was forging ahead I did so without allowing real connection to people, places or things. I hold people at arm's length. I'll let you in, but not all the way. And I will woo you with sex, witty conversation, and a big beautiful smile...those are my tools/armour/shields. I flee in anger at the first sign of challenge. SCALE THE CASTLE WALLS I SAY...and he does and still I retreat. I vehemently promise to do better, be more open, communicate and share. I lie. I've lied, I am lying.
Regardless if this man leaves. I still have these demons to slay. They are at the gate and will not go quietly. They want to take over and keep me rooted in fear...afraid to love...afraid to open up to anyone. Intimacy isn't solely about sexual encounters. It's baring one's soul, it is sharing your fears out loud, it is trusting what is in front of you is a gift.
I can send this man packing. I can ignore my fears, I can continue to pine for the fairy tale. But at the end of the day where am I? What am I willing to do on my own behalf for love? This isn't about breaking up or staying together. It is about clarity of my heart, soul and desires. It is about truth. A truth that I have long been running from. Truth that I have not fully embraced.
There is a lot of internal work that I must do. Oh I've done a lot of it already, but I am not out of the woods. He is my mirror. My reflection of what is and what can be. All I have to do is reach out and not look down. Love is right there. All I gotta do is extend myself. One foot in front of the other toward it. It doesn't matter if its a tightrope or high wire across the Grand Canyon. If I keep my eyes focused on love, the distance and height are of no matter.
Here I am out on a limb, bracing for a fall. Do I move forward where love awaits or do I turn back to where I think its safer? Do I give it my all, or do I quit?
Always asking the question WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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7 comments:
OH MY GOODNESS girl, I love this post. Amen to that! I could have written this myself!
Exactly. Absolutely exactly.
Welcome T,
So kind of you to pop in and comment. I am delighted you conencted with this post. I read your blog after I posted this and I thought...we are on the same page!
That is an open and honest assessment. We have to deal with us whether single, attached or married. Those are great questions that you posed to yourself. I'm staying tuned.
The hardest thing is to be honest to yourself about yourself. Looking in that mirror is a frightening thing but you will figure it out. I am cheering for you. It is making you grow...growth is not always pleasant but it is always necessary.
((HUGS))
i always love reading your blogs... it's nice to know i am not on this journey alone.
i will tell you as i have been saying..do not let him go. esp. if he may be the one for you. you will regret it for a very long time and someone else will swoop right in and try and take him.
it's scary looking yourself in the mirror. it's scary saying outloud the things you want to hide in a safe.
but how is it that you are so open here?
it's funny because your tools i use as well.. i am learning as i am pushing myself through this process that when you create wall after wall after wall that sometimes it becomes even hard for you to get through to yourself. (does that make sense)
but i hope you choose to go out there on the limb..safe is boring
Read the entry and the comments. Maybe it is the male in me that doesn't see the comfort of knowing that others share similiar dilemma. You know guys, trying to fix things and finding solutions and putting them in place.
I haven't been keeping up and may have missed a few entries... but how about 'slaying the demons' and letting that work for possibly repairing the relationship you have? It is going to be a long road either way, so what is wrong with taking that walk and improving what you have with this cat?
Dammit. DAMMIT LOVEBABZ! Forgive me for yelling... but...
Your writing grabs me. It reaches out and seizes my attention, then shakes me into answering questions that I keep ignoring. Your bumpy journey is setting a whole'lotta people free, gurlfriend!
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