I am beyond flawed. I remain afraid of a great many things. I worry. I wring my hands. I don't sleep sometimes.
I am uneasy in my skin...bones...mind. I am alone. I am always alone. I feel my aloneness acutely. I am subtly self destructing. Grasping for any glimmer of hope that all shall be well. That is the knot that I tie to hang onto. I have been hanging on forever. There is a weariness to my life. It hovers just on the periphery. I am good at staying steps ahead. But of late I am losing or seemingly losing my ability to stay ahead of my weariness.
I can't seem to articulate my mood. It washes over me like a fine mist, almost unnoticeable. I go to bed tired. I wake up tired. Always alone. Is it the aloneness haunting me? Or some other deeply rooted monster looking for a place at the table of my big life?
I soldier on. Things have to get done, dishes, laundry, children fed and shuttled here and there. My dreams come in spurts like some long told fairy tale that has lost a great deal of its grandeur and now seems like a ridiculous allegory tale of woe.
I am sighing often.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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5 comments:
Hmmm ... what to say, what to say...
I differentiate between 'alone' and 'lonely'. Which brings me to your 'aloneness'. I find comfort in being 'alone' because that is a choice.
But 'being lonely' is a want for company, as if without someone else I am not defined. I have been lonely when I am in a relationship, because the other party has started to pull away.
Or someone is trying to impose their bad feelings upon me so that THEY can either feel better about themselves or bring me into their misery. I feel lonely when I am with someone and I find that there is an imposter when I look in the mirror.
I think you are lonely. That is what the emptiness is when there are people in your life that you don't have the connection that makes you feel 'present'. A quibble for sure, but that is how I roll.
Apologizing for babbling... but this entry is one that I am 'feeling'. Despite this messy comment, I too, find myself not being able to articulate my mood (though I may yet try today... or tommorrow...) because I want to be able to recognize this thing, should it enter my life again.
Big Mark 243
Thanks for sharing. This weariness I am feeling will not last for long. I have an uncanny ability to "snap" out of my funks. There are moments when you feel like youa re just doing life and isntead of being in life. That was thinking yesterday. Today I am feeling a bit fresher, many of the cobwebs in my head are pulled off...LOL!
I do appreciate you giving further voice to my feelings and helping me pinpoint what to call this mood for future reference.
Onward and upward!
Dearest Blog Sis,
I understand the loneliness feeling. The worst of it for me was adjusting to being alone after the split from the ex. For the first time in almost a decade I came home to an empty house.
It is ok to feel this emotion, to understand where it comes from and why it is there.
I agree....onward and upward!
loneliness. aloneness. hmmm. i'm with big mark too.
allow yourself to feel it so you can recognize/identify it for what it is. act or not. but define it for yourself. that's the beginning of fixing it...
also. interesting thing about loneliness. you can very well be in the relationship of your dreams. have wonderful, fulfilling connections all around you. and still be lonely. what are you lonely for?
funny about these blogs... you think you have an original thought/idea, then jump over to comments and find that you don't, but that you aren't alone in your thoughts/opinions.
ptb :)
I wish you and me could get together and go have a drank, girl...
Keep your head up. this will pass. It really will...
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