Thursday, February 4, 2010

UNCERTAIN. SAD. AND TIRED.

I am at my breaking point. Carrying this life around is breaking me. I have too many fights on too many fronts. There isn't enough joy to go around. I am uneasy in my mind. One disappointment after another. I am tired of making lemonade...I've had too many of life's lemons.

So I am sitting here tears spilling. I am tired beyond words. I can feel the pain coursing through me. It is numbing. I can't think what to do next. Which way is forward? What happens when the optimist falls low? I am low. It has been a slow and steady descend. Try as I have done, I am still in the bottom of my life. I am alone. I am uncertain. Sad. Tired.

Perhaps this will pass. Perhaps a good night's rest will give me much needed perspective. Perhaps another book of wise words. Maybe talking to my Sister Lo. Or my sister-friend JB, or my bestest friend on the planet Ron. I have a treasure chest of lifelines. Are they tired of me as I am tired of myself? Perhaps this is hormonal. Perhaps this is about the weather. Perhaps its about the price of tea in China.

I am reminded of the Children's Defense Fund ...Dear Lord be good to me, the sea is so wide and my boat is so small.

There is a dangerous lowness to my heart and spirit this night. I am isolated in a way that I haven't been in a very long time. My physical voice is mute. I am writing purely from a place of survival and self preservation. I am grasping.

I am going to end here and rest my mind for a bit. Tomorrow will undoubtly be much better. I will sit and watch for the first light as it creeps through my neighborhood. I am always most hopeful at daybreak.

4 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

I read you off and on... and I have noticed you resumed posting and this is my first comment.

Misery loves company... but you simply have to fight through it. Don't know what you respond to or what engages the positive energies in your mind and body, but you have to go to them right now.

You sound similiar to who you think you are, but not complete. It is as if an intruder is trying to take over your body and leave enough of you to serve as its host.

Imagine yourself a year from now and make that a real picture of positivity and one of possiblity. Then begin your journey anew.

After all, it isn't about 'I won't let this be the end for me', because that really isn't your call. I can already tell you that the odds are in the favor of it NOT being the end.

What may help you is the focus on the tiny blip on the horizon and imagining it as what you want it to be.

Bear down. You will make it to that place because that is what you have always done at times like now. Can't be moaning about 'when does it stop' because that is when EVERYTHING is over. Keep your grace about you and maintain your poise as you get through this.

Do more than just 'live through it'. Grow and increase from it.
L&R
Mark

就是這 said...

看看blog調整心情,又要來繼續工作,大家加油.........................

Solomon said...

You can make it through this time of need Lovebabz, you can make it because you always make it through the tought times.

Keep it positive and just believe everything will be alright. Then before you know it you will be in a better situation, and you will also be in a better place emotionally.

Lovebabz said...

Thank you Big Mark 243
You commented went write to my heart like words form a old friend. Thanks for giving me back to myself. You have no idea how profound your words are to me.

Solomon,
Thank you for the encouragement. You are right...I can an will make it through.