I am at my breaking point. Carrying this life around is breaking me. I have too many fights on too many fronts. There isn't enough joy to go around. I am uneasy in my mind. One disappointment after another. I am tired of making lemonade...I've had too many of life's lemons.
So I am sitting here tears spilling. I am tired beyond words. I can feel the pain coursing through me. It is numbing. I can't think what to do next. Which way is forward? What happens when the optimist falls low? I am low. It has been a slow and steady descend. Try as I have done, I am still in the bottom of my life. I am alone. I am uncertain. Sad. Tired.
Perhaps this will pass. Perhaps a good night's rest will give me much needed perspective. Perhaps another book of wise words. Maybe talking to my Sister Lo. Or my sister-friend JB, or my bestest friend on the planet Ron. I have a treasure chest of lifelines. Are they tired of me as I am tired of myself? Perhaps this is hormonal. Perhaps this is about the weather. Perhaps its about the price of tea in China.
I am reminded of the Children's Defense Fund ...Dear Lord be good to me, the sea is so wide and my boat is so small.
There is a dangerous lowness to my heart and spirit this night. I am isolated in a way that I haven't been in a very long time. My physical voice is mute. I am writing purely from a place of survival and self preservation. I am grasping.
I am going to end here and rest my mind for a bit. Tomorrow will undoubtly be much better. I will sit and watch for the first light as it creeps through my neighborhood. I am always most hopeful at daybreak.