Tuesday, January 6, 2009


My Blog Brother Clnmike is writing a series of posts called deal breakers...things that he just can't abide in dating women. Deal Breaker #5 Low-Self Esteem, caught me on the chin...like a sucker punch.

Now I do not believe I have low self esteem. I confess I have been stupid in relationships and dating and so on (pre & post marriage). And I have been out of the game for well over a decade...but what struck me at about his post is that I have heard and seen women operate from a place of low self esteem that makes me want to smack them up side the head (no not advocating violence against anyone) but still.

If you constantly ask a man if you look fat in anything...eventually he will see what you are pointintg out. If you drag a man shopping and think that is couple time...think again. If you pout and whine because a man has "Guys Night Out" get a life and some Girlfriends and get out. If sports is his thing and you schedule competing activities you will lose...every time. If you have to check his whereabouts 50 millions times a day that is NOT CONFIDENT. If you have to spy his cellphone...NOT CONFIDENT. If you sit at home waiting for him to call you and he doesn't and you make excuses for him...NOT CONFIDENT!

If a man digs you he will call you. He will want to have sex with you. He will want to spend time with you. If he says he is busy...that is code for...I AM NOT FEELING YOU! Get over it and move on. If a man wants to be with you he will find a way to be with you. YOU CANNOT WIN OVER A MAN WHO IS NOT FEELING YOU. NOR CAN YOU WHINE YOUR WAY INTO HIS HEART.

Confidence is knowing who you are in the body you have right now. It is being delighted with the what is. It is living in this moment and not wishing...hoping ...praying for tomorrow. Confidence is speaking your mind and not being afraid of what "He" might think. Confidence is being authentic. Confidence is WALKING THE EARTH LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

I am checking my swagger. It is easy to let your confidence slide when you meet someone you think might be "The ONE" but really that is the time when you need every ounce of confidence. That is the time that you have to be yourself. It is your authenticity that will speak to someone's spirit.

I am talking about Confidence today on Lovebabz LOVETALK 12:30pm est
Call in or listen 718-766-4895


Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Low self-esteem is not sexy on anyone, man or woman. I commend you for working on your "swagger" :)

LadyLee said...

You know, I think it has become popular to do all kinds of crazy stuff when it comes to your man... as you mentioned above. But no one counts it as self-esteem isshas.

That's the problem. Wish more girls were taught what self-esteem truly is.

Great post, BABZ!

Lovebabz said...

Happy New Year Kay C!
I have been rather stupid so yes that would mean my self-esteem was low...LOL!

I am done with the crazy stuff. If you dig me then you gotta say it...show it and then maybe I may consider you.

We need to know our worth and truly believe that we are lovable. And that we do not have to convince someone that we are worthy of their time.

Monique said...

This is awesome! I love it. I need to check clnmikes blog and come up with my own dealbreakers. I know I am a very confident person and how I left someone shake me is beyond. Thank you for making me check my own swag.

poeticwax said...

"caught me on the chin...like a sucker punch." word.

"We need to know our worth and truly believe that we are lovable. And that we do not have to convince someone that we are worthy of their time." Wow. This is gonna have me rethinking some things.

Sometimes someone comes along and says something you just needed to hear right then. Thank you for that.

Sista GP said...

Sorry I could not talk on the show, but here are some thoughts I had while I listened. They are a little disjointed but I hope you get the points.

1. Some women cannot be completely blamed for their actions that resonate low self-esteem and lack of confidence. If you were raised to "always keep a man", you will always do what it takes including degrade yourself to accomplish that task. On the other hand, a woman who was taught to take care of herself won't feel the same. As an example, my parents; Mom did not feel she had to get married at age 16 when it was the norm. She was 19 when she first started dating my father. They were married when she was 22; an age that was considered an "old maid". Being that my father was 10 yrs older than her was most likely a factor.

2. This leads to the idea of an over-confident woman. A woman who has always taken care of herself. Not just financially. She maintains her household, her car, and even repairs around the house. She may find it difficult to "share" and wonder "why do I need a man?" Being this confident can lead to 2 types of men for her a) the extremely confident man with whom she may clash with the male ego or b) the extremely weak man that she can easily manipulate. Either way she won't be happy. The over-confident woman will need to balance what she can/need to do for herself and what she needs/wants from a man.

3. Regarding the woman who's looking for a husband with a deadline. I understand why and how she is planning to achieve her goal, but from personal experience, it seems men are attracted more to women who are not "looking". I don't know if it is an aura, persona, or just a "look" that attracts them. Or it's just a VISION of SELF-CONFIDENCE and HIGH SELF-ESTEEM.

Sista GP said...

Sorry my comments were as long as a post.

Lovebabz said...

Happy New Year! and I am glad this post spoke to you. I know it was on my mind. I know how more to say on this...all year long LOL!

I feel like that all the time...that I ameant to hear certain things. or meet certain people. So I know what you are talking about.

Sista GP,
Beautifully said! and yo can post as much as you want here...it's all about love! No apologies are necessary!

clnmike said...

That was a great show!

You knocked it out the box, and touched on things I really didnt think about.

I agree that older woman have a better handle of things since they are veterans of the romance wars so they are more intune with what and have the ability to express it.

The only real issues I ran into them with is the age thing.

Again thanks for the plug.

Great work.

Lovebabz said...


I am thrilled you thought I handled your subject matter well! I was so struck by what you had to say and will continue to talk about it through out the year.

Thanks for being so inspiring!

NoRegrets said...

Yes, women should swagger more.
Wonderful writing, as usual.

TRUTHZ said...

Wow...feeling this now I have to go read what the other can live without woman qualities were

CapCity said...

Yea - he pointed out some things I didn't realize were low self esteem...