FROM FLUTTER....

Flutter is my blog Sister. I was on a panel with her at BlogHer 08 in San Francisco. We are connected by sexual violence committed against us. We both have created healing blog communities. We are both on this journey toward happiness and completion and love. She wrote this moving post. It speaks to me in such a grand way I knew I wanted to repost it here. She said I could. I am grateful!

I dedicate this to someone dear to me. ((RWT))

I love you, in you know, a completely platonic way….
Posted by Flutter November 24th, 2008

An empty page, a blinding lack of words where always, I have one.

or two.

I draw inward at the scope of this and I wonder how much two people can endure. I wonder how much of me I can inflict on you. I wonder, if you know. If you know how much I truly love you. I wonder if you know how your laughter fills me. How your brilliance awes me. How you are all of the things I am not.

How I can never be all of the things you are.

How I want you. Always, to be filling what is empty in me. What is made for you. I may not always say or show, sometimes my pain is so great that I am afraid to open the door. But I want you in. I want you on every wall, behind every door, in every corner. I want your presence, your smell your love to shake the dust out of all of the dead parts and pull out what is vibrant.

I want your support, always. I always strive to make you proud and come up so short. I am afraid to ask for what I need, not because I think you will not give it, but because I think I am not worth the favor. Before you, no one has ever believed. Not even me. Especially not me. But I am trying. Small steps into the light.

Into your light.

I love you in all the ways I thought possible and even more all the ways I never even considered

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: DISCERNING MORE

I, like a lot of folks want MORE! I want more love, money, joy, sex, good times, clarity...MORE! MORE! MORE!

But what exactly is MORE? And will I know it when I get it...will I be satisfied?

Is it more that we seek? or just better quality of what we have? I mean I have love in my life. I have joy and good times. How could there be more? and what would more mean. What would I do with more. Am I suggesting that I would be more happier with more things, more love, more sex---scratch sex...not having any at the moment. But really, When I say I want more , do I mean MORE? See this is where discernment comes in.

The word discernment is my favorite. I love saying it, I love thinking of it. I love doing it. DISCERNMENT, the trait of judging wisely and objectively. Now add in the definition of MORE, in greater quantity, amount, measure, degree, or number.

So I have to ask myself. Is MORE what I want? YES! Then the next question is what am I willing to do for more? The answer: be more of who I am! Be fully present in my life so that I do not miss out on all the things that MORE is! I certainly can love more, laugh more, cook more, talk with friends more. Getting more is extending myself MORE. It is reaching out further. It is opening my mind and heart wider. It is allowing the light of love to shine brighter.

More is really about me stepping more fully into my destiny. Walking in my own truth and rejecting insecurity and fear. I get this. I got this.

Yes, I want MORE!

CHANTE MOORE...SPECIAL

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I am in love with Chante Moore's New CD...LOVE THE WOMAN. This song is FABULOUS!



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THANKFULLY GIVING

As promised I am passing along the awards that were bestowed on me. Getting is wonderful, but giving is divine!

CLICK on all the links...including the awards to see them.

SUPERIOR SCRIBBLER AWARD
GOES TO:

The Rich House

LadyLee...The Original Old Girl

THE BRILLANTE AWARD
GOES TO:

Writes Likes She Talks

Flutter

THE UBER AMAZING BLOG AWARD
GOES TO:

Princess Tiny Butt

A Southern Thang

Thoughts from The Quiet Storm

TwentyEight30

The Words I Type

Raw Dawg Buffalo

UBER AMAZING...YEP, THAT WOULD BE ME TOO!

My blog Sister Mizrepresent who blogs beautifully over at Miz's Write For Life was awarded this honor and true to her loving and gracious self, passed it on to me. HOW COOL!

Those who know me personally know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE presents, gifts...things wrapped up with a bow! This is a very pretty award and I am thrilled to the moon for it!

THANKS Sister! This has been an amazing couple of weeks...all the awards and accolades.

Trust me I will pass them all on after I quite drooling over them...*smile*

BRILLANTE WEBLOG AWARD...YEP, I GOT IT!

Thanks to my Sister Blogger Angela L. Braden Nuvision for a Nuday

Nuvision for a Nuday is a collection of essays, commentary, and poetry that detail the experiences of a beautiful, brilliant, black woman, who happens to be blind. The goal of this blog is to allow anyone who travels to this site the opportunity to see life and the world we live in through the eyes of a blind woman. So close your eyes, take a look around, and see what you've been missing.

She kindly and graciously bestowed the Brillante Award on me! WOOOWHOOO!

ANNIE LENNOX...COLD

This is one of my all time favorite songs. It is perfect if you have a love jones...crush...or you just feeling it for someone and it's intense and smouldering. You can't go and you can't stay.



"Cold"

Come to me
Do and be done with me
(Cold cold cold)
Don't I exist for you
Don't I still live for you
(Cold cold cold)
Everything I possess
Given with tenderness
Wrapped in a ribbon of glass
Time it may take us but God only knows
How I've paid for those things in the past

Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath
Cold is the colour of crystal the snowlight
That falls from the heavenly skies
Catch me and let me dive under
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes

I want to be with you baby
Slip me inside of your heart
Don't I belong to you baby
Don't you know that nothing can tear us apart
Come on now come on now come on now
Telling you that
I loved you right from the start...
But the more I want you the less I get
Ain't that just the way things are...

Winter has frozen us
Let love take hold of us
(Cold cold cold)
Now we are shivering
Blue ice is glittering
(Cold cold cold)

Cold is the colour of crystal the snowlight
That falls from the heavenly skies
Catch me and let me dive under
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes

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TOWARDS THE END...

I am getting ready to be legally divorced. We have a scheduled court date for mid-December. More than likely I will be divorced before Christmas. My ex and I have been separated for over a year now. But according to him he was unhappy in the marriage for several years. Sigh. I am not interested in his unhappiness now. I cannot fix past things. I cannot fix present things.

I am however sad. I am not rehashing past history. Nor do I wish to revise history. It was an extraordinary love affair...the stuff legends are made of. A compelling story. A story my children love to hear. They love to hear how their parents fell in love and got married and lived happily ever after. They especially love the part when I wished on a star 4 times and viola! they arrived. Charming.

So here I am creating a life that I did not think I would have to on my own. My ex wishes me well....wants to be friends...will always love me...would never find another like me...all others pale in comparison...and yet he has left me...anyway.

I am indeed grateful and blessed for all that I have. The road was never easy. The path was often dark, unclear and treacherous. I am forever grateful for the lamps upon my path. I am not concerned about being in love again or getting married. What is meant for me will not get by me. I believe that. My prayers are for peace in my house and in the world. I am learning new prayers that celebrate joy and clarity and goodness and redemption.

I am a earth mother. A woman who puts down roots. A woman who nurtures. I revel in this new found definition. I am becoming more of myself as I was designed. I am coming towards the end of the marriage, and at the same time the beginning of a new sense of self.

I am getting divorced and it does make me sad. I now must turn my attention to what else is ahead. What new adventures await. I have been prepared...steel sharpens steel!

Towards the end is really the continuation of an amazing story.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: WHAT IS NEEDED WILL COME

What is needed will come. How profound. I am standing still and taking that thought in. I am letting it sink in. I am letting it flow through me.

Often I have to catch myself from forcing an outcome. My first instinct is to try to head off adversity, stress, and worry. I think if I can work things out my way that I am being proactive. WRONG! and you know as long as I hold to that way of thinking I will always have adversity, stress and worry. LET GO AND LET GOD.

What is needed will come. Not what YOU WANT...but what is needed will come. Sometimes what we want is the thing that drives us. Drives us to offer prayers in negotiation with God rather than saying to God, guide my path. God is not a magician however magical things happen when God is sought.

As I look at what lays before me, all my fears and all my challenges in the form of bills, and not enough money and pending legal stuff and tense relationships. I am letting go and exhaling. What is needed will come.

What is needed will come.

SUPERIOR SCRIBBLER AWARD

WOO-WHOO! THANKS to my Favorite Kick-Ass Intellectual Blogger Raw Dawg Buffalo who kindly awarded me the Superior Scribbler Award! Coming from him is an honor indeed. I daresay, I can't imagine he likes my blogging...as I am way too emotional and not enough Vulcan for his taste. I am glad that he thought of me and included me in the very fine company of other folks he bestowed this award on. Go by his site and check out the other hard hitting and very relevant bloggers, and you'll agree, how did I get in this exceptional company of bloggers? LOL!

Thanks Torrance...you are indeed worth your weight in chocolate kisses.

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: HURT

My feelings hurt very easily. I take things very personally. I have trained myself to be that way. I decided long ago that whatever the emotion is I want to feel it and allow myself the respect of knowing how I feel. When you have known the kind of childhood abuse I have endured you learn to turn off. To not connect to people or things or places. You have no roots. You never belong or feel safe. I have decided that I do not want to live that way. It has taken me years to soften my skin and to allow emotion to emerge. I am very happy to feel hurt. I can feel hurt.

Now that does not mean I put up with folks who cut me with their words. I will not. When you call someone stupid, it is disrespectful. It means you do not value them or their presence in your life. I care so deeply about the folks that I have in my life that I know their presence reinforces my belief in God and the divinity. Yes friends will hurt your feelings, especially if they voice an opinion that is contrary to your own, or if they are speaking truth to power and you are refusing to be in truth. But to be insulted at the hands of someone you care about and have high regard for is indeed painful.

So what to do when someone hurts your feelings? Does it mean they have no regard for your intelligence, fortitude and yes feelings? I have chosen to do nothing. I have chosen to remain silent and cool. The apology offered says to me that there is awareness of hurting my feelings and acting in a manner that does not speak to love and kindness. That's it.

The world does not tip on its side because my feelings are hurt. But it does make the world seem smaller and colder. My charge is to just know that each encounter with another is designed to teach me something. To show me something. Even if it shows me that what I thought about someone was off base. Or perhaps I need to remember what friendship means and is.

You teach people how to treat you. I believe this. So I have to own my part leading up to hurt feelings. I do. And I must also keep some perspective and not carry my hurt feelings further.

That is the real lesson..to not carry this baggage any further. To feel the hurt and move on.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: BEING RIGHT OR BEING HAPPY

I know folks who would rather be right than happy. For them it means everything to get the last word in, to make their point, to be right on every issue ever discussed. They will even insult you if you do not agree or are not in line with their thinking. I am not that way. I prefer to be happy. I can concede a point and know in my heart that I believe what I believe.

I am not in the convincing business. I do not feel the need to recruit anyone to my point of view. I say what I mean. I discern the deeper issues and I share when I feel like I have something to contribute. I am also not one for doom and gloom. I am not one to constantly point out the negatives and act as though I am the only one that sees impending peril.

Life is rich. And if you look for madness and chaos you will find it. I choose to look for love and happiness and kindness and wonderment in the world. The issues that confront us, our economy, folks losing their homes, Cities and Towns cutting back services and raising taxes are serious issues. And these issues will be with us for a very long time. But Our lives are not solely those things. Yes they are traumatic and I know something about traumatic. I know what it is like to lose sleep because you don't know if you will make the mortgage payment. I know what it is like to be in foreclosure, I know what it is like to be jobless and financially strapped for money. I know these things...I have lived these thing. I also know that it is these times that will bring us closer to our humanity, closer to our faith and closer to each other as neighbors and citizens. I believe that. I do not have to argue that point or convince anyone that my truth is the truth.

I am not naive. I am not a silly woman with rose colored glasses on, oblivious to what is happening in the world and in our country. I am however a woman who has seen and done a great many things and draws strength and reassurance that this too will pass. I am seeking happiness and love in the face of adversity. I cannot live in fear.

So if I stop talking to you...know that I am not interested in your noise and that the more time I waste listening to you be right, is time taking away from my happiness.

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K.I.S.S.™

KEEP IT SIMPLE & SACRED.

I saw this tweeted by Life Coach Karen, Keep It Simple & Sacred (K.I.S.S.™ ) it came to her in a quiet conscious moment.

It resonated with me in a big way. A quiet conscious moment...divine. So often we think change has to be this grand sweeping thing. All consuming. I am learning that as I become more purposeful in discerning the areas of my life that need attention. Making simple changes almost always eases the stress, drama, fear.

It is the small things over a period of time that changes our directions. For example getting to the gym to do 45 minutes is simple. Much more simpler than getting to the gym and staying for hours. Putting less on my plate, rather than starving myself on purpose makes for better results.

It is this way too in our loveships and friendships. It is calling to say happy birthday rather than getting all frustrated about finding the right big gift. It is making a handwritten note for your Beloved even though you would love to pop a bottle of champagne over a fancy dinner in a swanky restaurant. Champagne is lovely, but the small gestures are what matter. The sacred is in the sentiment. It says I value your presence in my life without all the fanfare and bravado. Yes there is a time and a place for sweeping gestures of affection. But my heart you see, yearns for the simple and authentic.

My heart is simply not only a muscle. It is the place where love flows outward and inward. It is the place that opens wide to the sacred and the divinity. My good feelings welcome your good feelings. And together we are in love. Love is a state of being.

I feel myself moving toward simple pleasures and I like it very much. Oh mind you, I am still for the luxuries of the world, but not as a status fixation. I like fine linen because that makes me happy. I like fine wine because it makes me happy. I like having friends over for a lovingly prepared meal or ordered in pizza because that makes me happy.

It doesn't take much to make me happy...just a K.I.S.S...

AT THE END OF THE DAY...

It take s great deal of courage to stand in your own truth. To listen to your own internal voice as the prevailing guide. That internal voice is God whispering. Always whispering. You gotta work hard at hearing that internal voice. Everyone around you is screaming do this, be this, say this, go here, go there, think this, think that...whew! All with the best intentions...sometimes.

At the end of the day it about trusting what I know and what I think. Not bending to the manipulations of the world and folks who think they have a better vision of your life than you do. I am not interested in telling folks how to be...I am however interested in living my life to the best of my ability. I am merely not thankful for living...I am thankful for the quality of life I get to live. I am thankful that my trials and tribulations have not broken my spirit. I am grateful of all the next 24 hours I get to work this life out my way...ahem God's way!

At the end of the day I have to hear my voice. I have to chart my path and walk in my truth.
I appreciate suggestions, advice, council and well-wishing, and I have on occassion sought it out, but really it is about what I know to be right for me.

I like what I see when I am looking at me while I am walking past the mirror...Mary J. Blige, Fine Fine Fine.

FAITH FORWARD: OVERRIDING FEAR

Fear manifests itself as excuses. Making things you say you want as priorities but doing everything to the contrary to achieve those desires. For example, I say I want to get in shape and yet for reasons I believe are out of my control, I do not get to the gym. But yet I say that it is a priority....hhhm. I say I want to be a writer and yet I make no time to write...hhhm. My list goes on and on.

I know when I stare in the mirror and really see who I am, then I clearly see the fear. The excuse is just fear. Getting what we want is scary. First of all, many of us don't believe we deserve what we get. We want love, success, happiness, flatter tummies etc and will often work like the devil to get those things, but once they arrive WE ARE SURPRISED! Or we don't try hard enough to get the things we desire. Secretly, we believe putting in the effort needed for success will all be for naught.

When I am conscience of my thinking, I am overriding FEAR. Living mindfully. That is my charge. Overriding fear means recognizing fear when it shows up and then walking past it. Oh yes it takes practice. Because fear shows up in so many different ways that sometimes it is hard to detect. Listening to myself and paying attention and being honest with what I feel inside will guide me. Today I am resetting my priorities and walking past my fears.

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REMEMBERING HOW FAR WE COME: THINKING ABOUT FREDERICK DOUGLASS

I am way beyond happiness of the newly elected 44th President of the United States! I am ever mindful of those that started the conversation...those that held the dream before the dreamer spoke our hopes and wishes. I am thinking of Frederick Douglas and his tenacity. I am thinking of him and so many other men and women who paved the way with their blood, sweat and tears. I am in awe of this moment. What must it have been like to dream this day more than 100 years ago?

Excerpt from Frederick Douglas Speech, given at the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society Meeting, April 1865

What the Black Man Wants:

It may be asked, "Why do you want it? Some men have got along very well without it. Women have not this right." Shall we justify one wrong by another? This is the sufficient answer. Shall we at this moment justify the deprivation of the Negro of the right to vote, because some one else is deprived of that privilege? I hold that women, as well as men, have the right to vote [applause], and my heart and voice go with the movement to extend suffrage to woman; but that question rests upon another basis than which our right rests. We may be asked, I say, why we want it. I will tell you why we want it. We want it because it is our right, first of all. No class of men can, without insulting their own nature, be content with any deprivation of their rights. We want it again, as a means for educating our race. Men are so constituted that they derive their conviction of their own possibilities largely by the estimate formed of them by others. If nothing is expected of a people, that people will find it difficult to contradict that expectation.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: YES WE CAN...VOTE!

NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION AWARENESS MONTH

I cannot imagine my life without my children. I was not a woman who initially wanted children. They were not in my plans...at all. But somehow one by one they arrived with their own story and their own desire to be loved and cared for.

They needed me and I needed them.

This month is extremely important. All over America people are participating in campaigns to get the word out about adoption. November 15 is National Adoption Day. Children and families will make their forever families permanent in courthouses all over America. It is a breath-taking event to witness and be a part of.

In Connecticut I was proud to spear head our activities during the years I served as a local legislator. The celebrated day was always filled with food, proclamations, addresses by important folks and most of all children of every hue, shape, ethnicity.

Adoption is an amazing thing. It is love in action everyday. It is a commitment to community that speaks to my faith and what I believe we ought to do to take care of our children. No child should linger in Foster Care or an orphanage or some social service system anywhere in the world. let alone right here in America. Every child deserves a home and loving parent(s). I still wish I could adopt more...(insert smile)

I am a better woman because of these children. I know something about true love because of them. God knows I am not perfect...but we are perfect for each other.

Happy National Adoption Awareness Month!

SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY

I am cleaning and listening to my favorite music at FULL BLAST! I am a nester. I am a home body. I love tinkering about the house working on things. Today is perfect for that.

I am wearing my favorite brim...yes my summer brim...it was on the hall tree and will go upstairs to the closet until next summer...however in the meantime, I am wearing it because I look HOT in it!

I am doing major cleaning and rearranging as I turn my attention toward the holidays. First up Thanksgiving! I pulled out the "real" silver to polish--will do that later. Of course I will use my china from my Mother and pull out all my fabulous glasses. I love getting ready for the holidays!

I love not having any place to be today except home. The children are cleaning their rooms and playing. Occasionally I have to referee a spat or soothe hurt feelings, but for the most part they are a fine tuned team. I can hear them in their conversations and whispers and giggles.

Having 4 children is delightful. They are never with out company. And I am never without lots of children. Who needs a date when I have all this love and contentment around.