I woke up one morning and knew that I loved him. It was an odd thought, so out of the blue. I wrestled with it for days on end....Months even. No No No! I said to myself. I can't I won't I won't. And yet I do.
I love the attentiveness. The contentedness. The way in which we chat and laugh and disagree. He is way more forgiving than I. He has way more tolerance than I. He is way more patient than I.
He makes me better. He inspires me to leap higher. To slow down when slowing down is needed. He's funny. He doesn't mind me being an occasional asshole. An occasional brat. He is not moved by my pettiness or smallness. He sees me and hears me and still applauds me.
He does not know that I think of him first. First, as in when I wake up. First, as in before I close my eyes. First, as in when some good thing happens or some sorrowful thing breaks me; it is him I want to call. He has no idea the stirrings of my heart. He has no idea the depth of my feelings for his well being and happiness.
If I could be completely honest with no regrets, I would say, I love you, marry me. Let's live happily-ever-after! Let's kiss and build dreams upon that kiss.
But I do not possess that kind of courage. That kind of courage escapes me in this situation. I am a woman of great courage in many areas of my life. You see, his friendship sustains me, fuels me, comforts me and prepares me for upcoming battles. There is no room for this kind of truth telling of my heart. As I am committed to walking in truth, this sacred ground cannot be disturbed. I am not a school girl harboring a school girl's crush. My friendships are holy. and I hold them in the highest regards. His friendship is everything sacred to me.
If I could be completely honest with no regrets, what I would say to him with no regret? In my dreams, I say, I love you with so much passion. I love you with so much fearlessness. I love you with so much admiration. I love you with so much heart and soul.
I tell him often, that I love him. That is the truth. There is no other truth. I love him. Everything else is of no consequence. But if I could be completely honest with no regrets, I'd propose with ring in hand... With a promise to live happily-ever-after... Marry me.