I live with a lot of stress and anxiety. I always have. I have learned over the years of my life to manage and to carve out pockets of happiness and joy and love.
I am better now than I have ever been, but the shadows are always lurking. I have to push myself beyond my comfort zones around intimacy and friendships. I never think about trusting people or not trusting people.I just don't dive in too deeply. I am a creature of time. The longer I know you the more I grow to trust you. If I get a sense that you are full of shit, I start backing away. I never come to people with a fakeness. I am who I am. I can be a bit much to take. Plus I like my solitude. And I don't like too many group things.
If it were not for my children and siblings, I would not know love fully. It takes everything I have to hold them and hug them and kiss them and check on them and be there emotionally for them. This is not a natural state of being for me. My emotional measures are dulled. I push for them because their need supersedes my fears. They mean more to me than my own self.
In my ever fantastic quest for a loveship... I keep hoping that my soul mate will show up and be of support on the journey ahead. All I seem to meet are takers and users. Perhaps that is the SOS I am putting out into the universe: I AM PREPARED TO PAY FOR YOUR COMPANY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE. This is the truth as I know it and experienced it.
There is a part of me, that wants someone to show up with their readiness to put me first. I've gotta change my S.O.S. because I believe what's coming back to me is a reflection of what I am putting out there. I know the red flags and I must acknowledge them. Not, oh, I can overlook them because this person's other qualities makes up for them in other areas. Nope. Red flags are warnings for all areas! The real talk is not accepting the red flags as cautions, but to see them as warnings and move on. There is no running the risk of missing out. If I am sane and showing up as an adult, then I can require that in another person. Too many excuses as to why their life is the way it is, is not a bargaining tool. If they come with an unmanaged life, they are bringing that mess to me.
I see where I played to my lesser story in trying to fit someone into my life. If they can't get behind my dreams and aspirations... And they have no real concrete ones of their own. That is a problem. If people want to be in my life they act accordingly. They don't bully me, they don't whine, they don't act passive aggressive and they don't wear me down with their financial bullshit.
I am changing my S.O.S. It can't be one of desperation...I am not thirsty or drowning. It can't be, be with me by any means... I am not funding anyone's lifestyle. What it must be is a call out to strength, kindness, affection, honesty, fidelity and truth. I must reflect these things boldly. I must quit making excuses for why my positives are not shining out and all the negatives keep showing up. This is my internal and external work. I see what I am doing. I radiate out, but I pull in mess because I am not willing to throw back the mess and wait for the good stuff. There is good stuff to be had! I gotta quit tangling my net with the mess!
I do not believe all the good ones are gone. I do not believe that my expectations are too high.
Off to live my greater bigger story!