I am better now than I have ever been, but the shadows are always lurking. I have to push myself beyond my comfort zones around intimacy and friendships. I never think about trusting people or not trusting people.I just don't dive in too deeply. I am a creature of time. The longer I know you the more I grow to trust you. If I get a sense that you are full of shit, I start backing away. I never come to people with a fakeness. I am who I am. I can be a bit much to take. Plus I like my solitude. And I don't like too many group things.
If it were not for my children and siblings, I would not know love fully. It takes everything I have to hold them and hug them and kiss them and check on them and be there emotionally for them. This is not a natural state of being for me. My emotional measures are dulled. I push for them because their need supersedes my fears. They mean more to me than my own self.
In my ever fantastic quest for a loveship... I keep hoping that my soul mate will show up and be of support on the journey ahead. All I seem to meet are takers and users. Perhaps that is the SOS I am putting out into the universe: I AM PREPARED TO PAY FOR YOUR COMPANY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE. This is the truth as I know it and experienced it.
There is a part of me, that wants someone to show up with their readiness to put me first. I've gotta change my S.O.S. because I believe what's coming back to me is a reflection of what I am putting out there. I know the red flags and I must acknowledge them. Not, oh, I can overlook them because this person's other qualities makes up for them in other areas. Nope. Red flags are warnings for all areas! The real talk is not accepting the red flags as cautions, but to see them as warnings and move on. There is no running the risk of missing out. If I am sane and showing up as an adult, then I can require that in another person. Too many excuses as to why their life is the way it is, is not a bargaining tool. If they come with an unmanaged life, they are bringing that mess to me.
I see where I played to my lesser story in trying to fit someone into my life. If they can't get behind my dreams and aspirations... And they have no real concrete ones of their own. That is a problem. If people want to be in my life they act accordingly. They don't bully me, they don't whine, they don't act passive aggressive and they don't wear me down with their financial bullshit.
I am changing my S.O.S. It can't be one of desperation...I am not thirsty or drowning. It can't be, be with me by any means... I am not funding anyone's lifestyle. What it must be is a call out to strength, kindness, affection, honesty, fidelity and truth. I must reflect these things boldly. I must quit making excuses for why my positives are not shining out and all the negatives keep showing up. This is my internal and external work. I see what I am doing. I radiate out, but I pull in mess because I am not willing to throw back the mess and wait for the good stuff. There is good stuff to be had! I gotta quit tangling my net with the mess!
I do not believe all the good ones are gone. I do not believe that my expectations are too high.
Off to live my greater bigger story!
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2 comments:
I enjoyed reading your post. For as long as I remember, I have believed that you attract what you really put out, what you really are. Life frowns on bargains and people who spend unwisely often have little to show for their efforts.
Admitting that you have trouble with love and affection is a big, big step. I have always seen relationships as a two way street that people go down willingly, with no regard to what they will receive, but with plenty on what they are willing to give. Look for someone with something, someone who is willing, to give of themselves, even when it hurts for them or is uncomfortable.
The list you made of the qualities that you want in the people in your life... man, for me, that has been an "all the time thing". I have always tried to make sure that people were "about it", and not "saying it", you know what I mean? I have always made the choice to hang about people who were of a certain character, a certain purpose...
...and nothing, NOTHING, should be done out of desperation or despairing... you are better off without than you are with some make-believe ideal... f*ck that...
Your admission about the lack of understanding about love is one that I think too many of us, particularly us in the African-American community, is something that many of us suffer from. Something that I score Nebraska very low on is the sense that she has no idea of what love is... and while many men are dullards when it comes to the execution of love, I hypothesize that those with committment in their lives outside of "natural committments", to their family and close social friends, often have learned to love and care deeply through secondary processes... playing on a team in organized sports growing up, military service (SUCCESSFUL COMPLETETION OF SAID SERVICE... you are NO REHABILITATION NON-PROFIT..!), I believe learn and possess the traits and qualities to be a good lover/partner... but if I really want to get into that, I DO have a blog..! :0)
I think that your admission to flaws and mistakes puts you closer to discovery... these are things that too many people can't admit to themselves and lead their lives of desperation... you don't have to do that...
One of the things that I find sad is the lies and half-truths that people tell themselves... for instance, the "ghetto-ism" that Tyler Perry used for a movie, "I Can Do Bad By Myself"... as you know, that once was a fave of mine to pick on, because of the agonizingly poor grammar and sh*tty wisdom... and this is where the phrases that we use colloquially reveal themselves for the self-defeating paradoies of wisdom that they are...
The idea that you need someone to do better... that is the assumption with that ideal... if you are not okay with being alone and being with yourself, you cannot possibly find yourself capable of finding peace with someone... the introspection and honesty that comes from said introspection is terrifying to many... but here, in this entry and throughout your journal, you have asked of yourself the hard things and made admissions that I know others still pretend that can be ignored...
Finally, the way to quit tangling your net is for you to go and learn how to fish..! That is why your net gets tangled and that you are lost as soon as it happens..!
Love & Rockets!
Mark
Big Mark 243,
As always you move me. You hold the mirror and I can see me clearly!
Thank you for being such a strong support and a clear voice of reason.
You ROCK!
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