Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Strength To Write: A Confession of Sorts

Today I ran into someone I admire a great deal. He looked me in the eyes and said I love reading you in the paper... The Inner-City News. You are very talented. I have heard this all of my life. You are such a talented writer. You have a way with words, when are you going to publish. I read your blog religiously. I'm waiting for the book! I mean years of hearing this. I've written countless poems for weddings and birthdays and other celebrations. I framed my poems and given them as gifts from my heart. I commented on sites.... expressing my opinions on matters of the heart, politics, sports, food, wine, sex, raising children, everything! And yet I have not owned my writing ability. I happily and readily celebrate writers. I am in awe of people who can weave a tale of mystery and love and trial and redemption.  I follow writers and I read their blogs and I applaud their courage. Authors are sacred. Words are sacred.

The truth is, I don't feel I have a grasp of grammar in the way that I think most writers have. I am not sure of syntax, sentence structure and oxford commas. I am afraid that what I write will be embarrassing. This is my real fear you see. That I would be found to be dumb. So I don't call myself a writer. I don't feel worthy.

This fear was so deep in me that I never thought I would take it on. I just told myself this lie for so long that it really has become a truth. However today, I realized that I am whatever I tell myself I am. Like in all things transitioning in my big beautiful life, I am so much more than my fears. I know this in other areas of my life, but writing was so personal, so intimate that to take it apart and look at it was scary and painful. No deep analysis, I see the fear. I recognize the fear. I call it what it is and then I release it.

This fear is kicked to the curb. I get to tell a different story. I am a writer. It's what I do. My life is the page, my living is the pen. I am courageous. Writing is my sword, my light saber, my wand, my savior and salvation. No further gnashing of the teeth is necessary.

I am a writer.

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