What I Ache For....

This is such a provocative statement... a simple question that stops me cold and begs me to deal with it.

What do I ache for?  WHAT DO I ACHE FOR? What is the dream of my heart's longing?

Answering this for myself requires a kind of permission I have not granted myself for a very long time.  And I am wondering why haven't I and wondering if I am bold enough to get to the truth of the matter... beyond the fear of what the answer(s) may mean to me in this present moment.

Being 50 is its own gift.  There is a certain kind of permission granting that happens at this half century mark. There is within me  deeply held desires for things unspoken.  Long held flights of fantasy...or so I thought. Long held dreams that seemed so out of my reach...exceeding my grasp.  And yet here I am pondering and running from the desire's of my heart.  God has already said have them and yet I hesitate. More than hesitate I destroy.  Yes, destroy, bury, dismantle.  All under the guise of pursuing more practical choices.  I am the assassin of my heart's longings.

Is the conditioning of the world saying no, greater than God's yes?

So much to take to prayer.