Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Taking Myself Out Of The Equation

It is hard being the person that causes someone pain. It is disheartening to always be at fault rather than in love. I am the reason we do not work. I am the one who does not try hard enough. If only I would be..could be different. Less this and more that. Resentment is setting in, because the bar is way too high for a mortal woman like myself. I am...flawed...fucked up.... and charming. Not relationship material or qualities befitting a wife. Eh, and that's the truth. I don't share enough of... my heart... my soul... my thoughts. No one can tolerate that kind of elusiveness. So off I go in an entirely new direction.... E.N.D.

I never thought I would say this: But I am quitting the love game. I've had a good run. Seriously. My heart has other priorities. This is not defeat, or sad or anything negative. There is a window of opportunity to create the life of my dreams. To do the things I've only journaled about. Oh the Potential Mr. Babz will be forever a love for the ages.... a story right up there with the best of them. One I will tell over and over and over to my grandchildren. Right now I gotta take myself out of the equation and do more work on my inner movements. I gotta dig a bit deeper in self reflection and tend to my heart more. 

I am going to retreat for a bit. I have two projects... OK several projects that need my attention, not to mention 4 kids, a house in foreclosure and applying for Affordable Health Care plans. Oh and bootcamp...I am going to whip this body into shape if it kills me and no doubt it will. So I'll spend some time on my blog and periodically the posts will show up on Facebook.


God is still speaking. I'm off to build my true love.

 





 


2 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

I am...flawed...fucked up.... and charming. Not relationship material or qualities befitting a wife. Eh, and that's the truth. I don't share enough of... my heart... my soul... my thoughts. No one can tolerate that kind of elusiveness. So off I go in an entirely new direction.... E.N.D.

This was deep and emotionally enlightening... so many of us are flawed, but I like to think that not unlike a chipped cup, that usefulness is still apparent...

Time with yourself, your desires and your achieving of goals set, will attract the right kind of people in your life as well as the right kind of relationships... and from that base, you will begin to attract special relationships in your life...

No, it is not 'giving up'... I know that I had to step away from the intimate relationships that I believe were at the crux of my disappointments...

...stay strong, stay HOPEFUL (hope ALWAYS springs eternal when we least expect it), and embrace the good in you and in life..!

Hugs 'n Rockets!
Mark

angela said...

hmpf. quitting the love game. no, never. because it's all around you. love is who you are.

now loveship. well...

so many of us think we know what love is, often times based on unrealistic definitions, experiences, and expectations. but how many of us have actually defined, realistically, what love is for ourselves?

yes, it can be all the bells and whistles, earth shattering and all consuming. but it can't be that all the time. so what do you have when it's not? what do you have when it's hard, and inconvenient, and boring, and ugly? what will get you through?

compromise. understanding. compatible personalities. commitment. and yes, love too.

i have found that sometimes, yes, sometimes, love is farther down on the list.


i've found out so far that love, alone, is never enough and often down on the list.

some argue that you're able to do these things *because of* love. yeah, ok.

most importantly, you must know what love truly is - for yourself - and then be ready to receive it. not everyone in 'loveships' understands that. and there lies the struggle. it's a struggle for hubby and i. after all these years of being married, he still struggles with receiving love. and i'm ok with that because there are so many other things higher up on the list that matter much more, at times that matter. yet, i know that those things are because of love....funny.

xo