Now I was going to blog this, earlier in the week:
What I have come to realize is: 1) I hold a great deal of shame about committing a crime of embezzlement and going to federal prison camp (Yeah I thought I handled this shit too... but apparently I haven't and it's holding my spirit hostage and wrecking havoc). I have not let it go fully and I have allowed this to stop me form living my life fully. I believe I have not been punished enough. 2) The abuse I suffered as a child still haunts me deeply... and sometimes when I' am making love with my man it drags me back to being that helpless child and all I want to do is throw up and cry. 3) I hate the way my ex-husband just left me... threw me away without any explanation as to why...even though I know full well why. And it makes me feel unworthy. 4) Sometimes I don't know which way to go and I am afraid. But as a single mother I have to keep it all together and keep moving. 5) I hate being financially vulnerable... scared of not having enough money for basic necessities. It keeps me up every night worrying. When I walk into my kitchen and the cupboards and refrigerator are bare and I know I have to feed my children, I am scared as shit. 6) I don't believe I am going to marry The Potential Mr. Babz... it just seems doomed. I can't achieve his expectations and so I don't try as hard as I would if I believed we had a real future. It just feels like he is going to throw in the towel anyway come January. 7) Losing my house is unspeakable. I have exhausted every avenue. Surrendering does not bring peace or solace. I feel like a failure.
I was feeling these things from a sense of what I believed to be true. A truth rooted in my disbelief that I didn't deserve happiness and love. How the fuck did I get here? YEARS AND YEARS OF UNRESOLVED NOT-DISCUSSED SHIT. Years of hiding, burying, an swallowing other peoples discomfort and shit. I was protecting everyone's heart and soul except my own.
Here's what I've discovered as I was yet again lamenting my sorrows! This is the blog post of right now:
Miracle #1 I am taking the Brene Brown/Oprah Life Class Ecourse The Gifts Of Imperfection. I am Imperfect and I am Enough! Profound.
Miracle #2 Realizing what I BELIEVE about myself is the reason I can't move forward, or up or down or left or right. That in my soul I believe I am unworthy. The shame I am carrying has taken over my heart and soul. All this time I knew I was drowning, but I couldn't put my finger on the source of the pain. I tagged all the usual stuff... depression... negative self talk... malaise... unhappiness. Suicide loomed on the horizon like a vulture... just waiting for me to surrender to my own death by my own hands. Oh I was close on numerous occasions. The pain of my heart and soul was blinding. There was never enough alcohol... mindless sex... over-extension of my time or resources that could get me off the suicide trajectory. Death just seemed like a simple solution to a life that was worthless.
Miracle #3 Yesterday (Friday) I got a threatening email from someone who used my crime against me. This person threatened to do an expose' on my crime! And all I could do was laugh! Yes laugh. In that sacred moment I realized that my thoughts were my own prison. What I believed about who I was, was the problem. All this time I accepted the depression as something external invading my internal mood. The truth is, I just pushed the shame deep into the recesses of my spirit... they way I did my childhood abuse, the divorce, the weight gain and every other fucking painful event. You see in order to survive and stay alive, I could not and cannot afford to dwell on this overwhelming pain. The miracle is the laughter... laughing at the fact that I got it! That other person had no real power over me. No one ever had the real power over me. Like Dorothy I had it all the time... the power to believe who I am based on my own inner vision, or all for the world's external interference.
One nasty email jolted me out of my own bullshit; and this is how I snapped out of my years-long fog. It forced me to confront what I have believed about myself... I don't believe I am worthy.
I don't believe I am worthy of the air I breathe, the children I raise, the space I take up or the love I want. This is the secret I have been hiding, totting, and believing.
And now the work of retraining my being to believe I am worthy and enough and loveable begins. I have no idea what I may lose in this process.. the new revelations are new and stunning and complex. I do know there is no turning back. And whatever I lose or gain will be because it's needed for the journey ahead.
I am imperfect and I am enough. I am worthy of profound love and I am capable of giving profound love.
Yes, Zora this is a year of answering....