Saturday, October 26, 2013

Miracles 1,2,3,

This whole blog has been about what I have been struggling with and not able to put my finger on the cause of the struggle(s).  But the events that played out over the last few days have been miraculous.

Now I was going to blog this, earlier in the week:
What I have come to realize is: 1) I hold a great deal of shame about committing a crime of embezzlement and going to federal prison camp (Yeah I thought I handled this shit too... but apparently I haven't and it's holding my spirit hostage and wrecking havoc).  I have not let it go fully and I have allowed this to stop me form living my life fully.  I believe I have not been punished enough. 2) The abuse I suffered as a child still haunts me deeply... and sometimes when I' am making love with my man it drags me back to being that helpless child and all I want to do is throw up and cry. 3) I hate the way my ex-husband just left me... threw me away without any explanation as to why...even though I know full well why. And it makes me feel unworthy. 4) Sometimes I don't know which way to go and I am afraid.  But as a single mother I have to keep it all together and keep moving. 5) I hate being financially vulnerable... scared of not having enough money for basic necessities. It keeps me up every night worrying. When I walk into my kitchen and the cupboards and refrigerator are bare and I know I have to feed my children, I am scared as shit. 6) I don't believe I am going to marry The Potential Mr. Babz... it just seems doomed.  I can't achieve his expectations and so I don't try as hard as I would if I believed we had a real future. It just feels like he is going to throw in the towel anyway come January. 7) Losing my house is unspeakable. I have exhausted every avenue. Surrendering does not bring peace or solace.  I feel like a failure.

I was feeling these things from a sense of what I believed to be true. A truth rooted in my disbelief that I didn't deserve happiness and love. How the fuck did I get here? YEARS AND YEARS OF UNRESOLVED NOT-DISCUSSED SHIT. Years of hiding, burying, an swallowing other peoples discomfort and shit.  I was protecting everyone's heart and soul except my own.

Here's what I've discovered as I was yet again lamenting my sorrows! This is the blog post of right now:

Miracle #1 I am taking the Brene Brown/Oprah Life Class Ecourse The Gifts Of Imperfection. I am Imperfect and I am Enough! Profound.

Miracle #2  Realizing what I BELIEVE about myself is the reason I can't move forward, or up or down or left or right.  That in my soul I believe I am unworthy.  The shame I am carrying has taken over my heart and soul.  All this time I knew I was drowning, but I couldn't put my finger on the source of the pain.  I tagged all the usual stuff... depression... negative self talk... malaise... unhappiness.  Suicide loomed on the horizon like a vulture... just waiting for me to surrender to my own death by my own hands.  Oh I was close on numerous occasions.  The pain of my heart and soul was blinding.  There was never enough alcohol... mindless sex... over-extension of my time or resources that could get me off the suicide trajectory.  Death just seemed like a simple solution to a life that was worthless.

Miracle #3 Yesterday (Friday) I got a threatening email from someone who used my crime against me. This person threatened to do an expose' on my crime!  And all I could do was laugh!  Yes laugh.  In that sacred moment I realized that my thoughts were my own prison.  What I believed about who I was, was the problem.  All this time I accepted the depression as something external invading my internal mood. The truth is, I just pushed the shame deep into the recesses of my spirit... they way I did my childhood abuse, the divorce, the weight gain and every other fucking painful event. You see in order to survive and stay alive, I could not and cannot afford to dwell on this overwhelming pain. The miracle is the laughter... laughing at the fact that I got it!  That other person had no real power over me.  No one ever had the real power over me.  Like Dorothy I had it all the time... the power to believe who I am based on my own inner vision, or all for  the world's external interference.

One nasty email jolted me out of my own bullshit; and this is how I snapped out of my years-long fog.  It forced me to confront what I have believed about myself... I don't believe I am worthy.

I don't believe I am worthy of the air I breathe, the children I raise, the space I take up or the love I want.  This is the secret I have been hiding, totting, and believing.

And now the work of retraining my being to believe I am worthy and enough and loveable begins.  I have no idea what I may lose in this process.. the new revelations are new and stunning and complex.  I do know there is no turning back. And whatever I lose or gain will be because it's needed for the journey ahead.

I am imperfect and I am enough.  I am worthy of profound love and I am capable of giving profound love.

Yes, Zora this is a year of answering....

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

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