Tuesday, October 29, 2013

On The Eve of Intentional Transformation...

Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds.  It is a romantic notion to think of summoning up courage and pushing forward.  I am by nature a romantic... so says my bff Ron. He thinks I am a hopeless romantic and admires the fact that I see the world  through rose colored glasses. I don't know if I see the world through rose colored glasses.

I think I see the world from a place of romance rather than from a place of doom and gloom.  I don't mean that I gloss over all the evil and bullshit going on.  I have seen, experienced and been through a lot that I think would cripple most, and yet I am moved by kindness and peace and joy.  I long for those things.

I feel like a child outside a very expensive candy store... I see all the yummy things, but don't dare enter in.  This is how I am feeling about my life.  I can't quite get fully in.  I am standing outside myself summoning the courage to be fully in.  This is a purging week, on the eve of a transforming month.  November is all about transformation.  I am setting that as my intention.  October has become a heavy month  for me to live through.... a mash-up of death anniversaries, wedding anniversaries, births, loss, time served, and the beauty of the leaves turning. I dread October and I celebrate and welcome October.  Now I gotta leave October and transform this life I so desperately want to own and get into.

On the other side of this intentional transformation sits a woman in complete possession of herself... myself. It is my intention to have a clearer picture of where I am moving this life to.  Worthiness is the foundation.  I am worthy and I am going to start behaving myself into believing that.

I can't drag the past to the future.  I cannot ignore the past or stuff it into some neat little box.  What I can do is deal with it and move through the haze.  Now that most of the secrets are out, there is more room to catch my breath.  No more big secrets to hold onto.  There is a real sense of freedom hovering within my grasp.

Now I need to spend time laying out my intentions for November.  Transformation with God's help and my commitment to go beyond what I feel like doing. 

Yes, Zora this is an answering year.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

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