What Is The Question?

The fantasy is better than the reality. In my fantasy things work out according to my desires. In reality people are just full of shit.

I am a dreamer... real life shit is shit.  My fantasy is so much richer and deeper and more a reflection of what I think about than the reality of my life.

Why don't I make the reality more to my liking?  Well I haven't figured out how to do that.  Some of that would require not settling for bullshit.  And good bullshit is hard to detect immediately.  It requires time put in.  And before you know it, you have spent a ridiculous amount of time on bullshit.

I don't even want to give this any more energy, because it drags me back to  my original thoughts.  What the fuck am I talking about? MY WHOLE LIFE AND WHERE I AM GOING AND WHAT I AM DOING AND WITH WHOM AM I DOING IT WITH. BULLSHIT.

There are moments when I can see the future and I like it.  The image is so clear, yet fleeting.  I am overjoyed then I start backtracking about what I witnessed.... my current reality doesn't reflect what I saw, what I glimpsed.  That annoys me and makes me sad.  I either open myself up to the life of my dreams or I stay stuck... settling for bullshit.  I have spent too much time on bullshit.

I am making a mistake and I know it.

I can hear Zora* begging me to choose this year to answer the questions... because I declared that I would and I spent so many years asking the fucking questions.  The fantasy is better than the reality. In my fantasy things work out according to my desires. In reality people are just full of shit. This haunts me and I can't seem to untangle myself from it. What is the question here? What am I afraid to ask? What am I afraid to answer?

*“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”...Zora Neale Hurston