2 Months Being 50:Path Illuming

I am acutely aware of being 50 years old.  I like being acutely aware.  I like there is a sense of urgency hovering in the back of my mind.  Time is marching on.  I am not wasting time lamenting the fact that time is marching on. I am intuned to it.  I am aware of it.  I am more motivated to live deeply and fully. I find myself consciously wanting to feel everything and dig deeper into whatever the feeling is, whatever the moment is teaching me.

When I kiss him (the Potential Mr. Babz) I lean in and fully kiss him.  When I hug my kids, I fully hug them and I hold on a few seconds longer. This is how I am not taking them or this life for granted.  I dismiss nothing. I go into the dark. I grapple with the fears. I forgive myself and start again. I start again, that is the saving grace.

I can't say that I can see the road ahead.  I have learned that is not about the path ahead, but the path illuming... one step at a time. I find great strength in surrendering to one step. It quells my fears and allows for courage to show up and move me forward. I have made peace with being afraid. There is often great clarity in being afraid. In being afraid I make myself look at the fear and take it apart...taking myself through the worst case scenario and lingering in. What do I see? What do I feel?

Being 50 is divine.  I am more hopeful than I have ever been.  I am more romantic than I have ever been. I am more courageous than I have ever been. I am in love with  my 50 year old myself .