I am acutely aware of being 50 years old. I like being acutely aware. I like there is a sense of urgency hovering in the back of my mind. Time is marching on. I am not wasting time lamenting the fact that time is marching on. I am intuned to it. I am aware of it. I am more motivated to live deeply and fully. I find myself consciously wanting to feel everything and dig deeper into whatever the feeling is, whatever the moment is teaching me.
When I kiss him (the Potential Mr. Babz) I lean in and fully kiss him. When I hug my kids, I fully hug them and I hold on a few seconds longer. This is how I am not taking them or this life for granted. I dismiss nothing. I go into the dark. I grapple with the fears. I forgive myself and start again. I start again, that is the saving grace.
I can't say that I can see the road ahead. I have learned that is not about the path ahead, but the path illuming... one step at a time. I find great strength in surrendering to one step. It quells my fears and allows for courage to show up and move me forward. I have made peace with being afraid. There is often great clarity in being afraid. In being afraid I make myself look at the fear and take it apart...taking myself through the worst case scenario and lingering in. What do I see? What do I feel?
Being 50 is divine. I am more hopeful than I have ever been. I am more romantic than I have ever been. I am more courageous than I have ever been. I am in love with my 50 year old myself .