“We are the ones we have been waiting for.”
The last few days this June Jordan quote has been haunting me... and I know what that means when something haunts me... God is trying to get my attention.
As I sit bearing witness to my life once again unraveling (or maybe this is just continued unraveling... meaning there was not ever a time when it wasn't unraveling). I am summoning up all the tools I have to face whatever the threat or fear is.
I found myself standing in the shower asking how did I get back to this place of desperation and despair? How? And then I could feel myself starting to cry. Crying is good.... cleansing... healing.
What to do? I don't know? I really don't know. I feel paralyzed. I feel as if I am watching my life from another room. I think I am screaming, but no one notices. Is my facade that damn good that no one notices my break down? Well the years of perfecting bullshit is paying off I guess.
I seriously don't know what to do. So I am going to let that June Jordan quote marinate in my spirit. God will direct me, stir me into action. At the moment I just can't see my way clear and I know better than to try.
Back worrying about money, this house, how to make ends meet, all the responsibility of raising kids and having a decent life that isn't filled with desperation and fear. There is this inescapable loneliness to my life that always hangs on the periphery.
I am in the thick of it and I am using every skill and tool at my command to stay on this side of life. I am easy to go to the dark place when I start to feel defeated. God knows that about me... this is why I believe I am blessed with miracles and epiphanies. God is always saving my life.
Love all around is saving grace. And all grace is undeserved except for babies and young children.
God will direct me and the outcome may well be unexpected and totally out of nowhere. At this point in my life I can experience these challenges and NOT be totally felled by them. I have spent enough time with God to get this. And get this I do.
It's aright that I don't know what to do.
Hey *Zora, God's got the answer and he will answer it on my behalf this year.
*“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”―
Zora Neale Hurston,
Their Eyes Were Watching God