I am reading Brené Brown's, Daring Greatly. I bought this book last year after seeing her TED Talks presentation. I was blown away. Then of course I saw her on Oprah, and you know how God speaks to me.... sends me the message and or the messenger over and over and over until I pay attention. (paying attention to God is always challenging for me--not because I don't like God, mostly I don't like what God is directing me to do) Anyway, this book, Daring Greatly is fucking with me in a good way. I finally started reading it and I can't put it down. The more I read, the more I "get it" and it is terrifying and thrilling all at once. That kind of vulnerability is what I have been running from my entire life and I just didn't know what to call it, or identify it, let alone deal with it. I do believe God was trying to get me to see this.
Vulnerability. Fighting to be naked in a world that can't tolerate nakedness; before any questions are asked in earnest... who am I and what do I want?, requires a real standing in truth about what it is I am seeking. This is where I was/am stuck... trying to skip vulnerability and ignoring shame. Ha ha ha ha! I was truly doing that and did it for so long that I have justified and institutionalize doing it... RUNNING! NUMBING! HIDING!
Running from people and situations that call me to be deeper... like love, intimate relationships and commitments. Numbing by drinking too much, playing too hard, jumping from one thing to the next as to not rest. Busyness. Hiding like the "all great and powerful" man behind the curtain. If you saw me in all my realness.... that is the shame having a great deal of power in the direction of my life.
Oh there is more. Lots more. Years and years of more. Somehow I don't think going back to look at it all is the answer or the key. I can glance back and see it all now, and know that I was running, numbing and hiding.
Now to stop it and move in an entirely new direction (see I knew the E.N.D. I picked up along the way would come in handy) Well I need to finish the book and see where it takes me.
God gives us enough illumination for the next step.