My Lenten Journey: What Am I Drawn To?

Oh mystic Rumi, what am I drawn to? What am I seeking?  What is this wanderlust in my bones?

Everyday I awake knowing I am destined for greatness.  Am I ready for that which I am seeking...that is also seeking me?

Change is in the air.  Time of preparation is underway.

My Lenten Journey: Be Still

My Lenten Journey: What I seek....

...is seeking me.

My Lenten Journey: Hannah Brencher: Love letters to strangers

When I saw her a few months ago, I was immediately inspired to write love letters to strangers!  I do this. This is how you change the world... one love letter at a time.

My Lenten Journey: Lalah Hathaway & Rachelle Ferrell I'm Coming Back

Good music moves the spirit. This song is beautiful. Listen to it with God's ears and you will really get the message.

My Lenten Journey: Now Is The Time

Now is the Time

Now is the time to know
That all that you do is sacred.

Now, why not consider
A lasting truce with yourself and God.

Now is the time to understand
That all your ideas of right and wrong
Were just a child's training wheels
To be laid aside
When you finally live
With veracity
And love.

Hafiz is a divine envoy
Whom the Beloved
Has written a holy message upon.

My dear, please tell me,
Why do you still
Throw sticks at your heart
And God?

What is it in that sweet voice inside
That incites you to fear?

Now is the time for the world to know
That every thought and action is sacred.

This is the time for you to compute the impossibility
That there is anything
But Grace.

Now is the season to know
That everything you do
Is sacred.


 'The Gift - Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master'
translations by Daniel Ladinsky 

My Lenten Journey: Farewell Debbie Ford. Thank You.

The bestselling author of self-help book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" has died in San Diego. Debbie Ford was 57.

We all will die.  I understand that.  However knowing that doesn't keep the hurt away.  I truly loved Debbie Ford.  She captured my attention.  I hung on her words.  I survived on her words. I prayed with her words.

Thank you Debbie Ford  for sharing your light with me.  You have illuminated my path further.  You have given me enough light for the step ahead.  You have done God's work beautifully.

Thank you Debbie Ford. for sharing your story with me.  We all have a story.  And no story is too big for God.

As I travel on my Lenten Journey I take with me a few words of encouragement by Debbie Ford:

Remember, your soul’s desire is the voice of God. You are being called even in this moment to unveil the next greatest evolution of yourself. You are always being called, but if you are not aware of this divine truth, you will miss out. You do not need to concern yourself with asking how you will step into your greatness, because the divine within you is always close by, whispering your next steps in your ears. As one of my favorite quotes reminds us, “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called. #

in The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse

It’s often hard to recognize our own bad behavior, because we are continually projecting it on others. The more convinced we are of other people’s wrongdoings, the more likely it is that we ourselves are guilty of the same indiscretions. #

in The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self

Debbie Ford - Defying Gravity
(1955 - 2013)

My Lenten Journey: What Does Rest Mean?

As I step into this sacred season of Lent, I am learning the practice of allowing Sunday to be that day of rest.  The day where I put away working and doing and working.  This Sunday I stuck to it.  I rested.  I went to church of course. I think what made it easier to rest is the fact that I am SICK!  And being sick makes me not want to do anything.  Being sick is the legitimate excuse for not doing something.

Can I rest when I am not sick?  That will be the question for next Sunday.  What does rest mean?  And why do I feel so guilty when I do?  That's the problem, allowing guilt to drive away what is necessary and healing for mind, body and soul. 

The guilt I feel is something I make up in my own mind.  Yes, there are forces out there that constantly tell me I lack lack lack.  But I can tune that out.  Lent is a time of preparation.  Letting go of betrayal, sins, wrong-doings.  It is a time to turn to God.  I don't want to turn to God in a frenzied state of mind.  I don't want to pray in desperation.  Rest calms.  Rest settles the spirit.  Rest allows for God's movement in my life.

Rest means be still.  Calm down.  Go easy.  Be kind to myself.  Let go of old wounds, past hurts.  Rest means be fully present in this moment.  Allow my breath to be the only sound.

My Lenten Journey: Eat Pray Love.

“Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 


 “Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 


“In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down. And sometimes the meal is the only currency that is real.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love  


“Your treasure - your perfection - is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

My Lenten Journey: Pray Or Worry

I cannot do both.  Either I pray and believe. Or Worry and disbelieve.

There is no straddling the fence.  There is no halfway.

Either. Or.

Not both.

I know what it's like to go to bed with so much trouble on my mind.  I know what it is not to sleep for days on end because the fear is so great you don't dare close your eyes to it.  And yet by some miracle I come through feeling foolish and ashamed of the doubt, fear and disbelief that held me hostage.

I have not been racked with that kind of fear and disbelief in a long time.  It does however fear and worry hang out around the fringes of my life.  I must say, I am much more present in my life these days.... I recognize the devil (the negative voices whispering in my mind).

To let Go and Let God is a deliberate revolutionary act of love and faith.  It requires training.  It requires attention.  It requires fortitude and inner-strength.

Prayer.

My prayer life is my life line to God. All prayers... unedited and unfiltered are laid at my alter.... the alter.

The walk of faith is the choice of believing. 

I choose to believe.

My Lenten Journey: Mary Oliver... Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

And of course...

My Lenten Journey: Day 1 Ash Wednesday

For the next 40 days I am going to step into holiness.  I am going to take up my cross with all the pain and heartaches, disappointments and sufferings.  Each day I am going to let one or more burdens on my cross go until at the end all I have is a renewed life. I am summoning my divinity to the forefront.  it is time for Rebirth, renewal, reward.

The way to live the life of my dreams is to live the life of my dreams.

40 days. To Fast. To Pray. To Contemplate. To Accept GRACE.

This is always my favorite time.  Some years I am in and some years I am not.  Since this is an answer year, I am decidedly in. There is a depth that awaits me.  Now would be the time to answer the call.  To listen and fully allow God's movement in my life.

I do not have to make stringent rules or layout a plan.  Only to end each day with prayer.  Sit quiet and allow God to speak.  Write in my prayer journal... all the good things I enjoy in my life.  Take up the prayers of those in need and to profess my love for God.  To rise at first light with prayer. Set the tone for holiness through out the day. To walk in truth.  To celebrate with kind words and deeds. 

I am inviting God in as my guest for the next 40 days.  It is my intention to have him be at home in me.  That I might be the dwelling place of Christ. That I become the light of the world.  That my life truly becomes a blessing to someone. I want a new consciousness. I want a new perspective. I want real peace and everlasting love.  I want joy all day.  I want to meet life's challenges with a glad heart.

40 days. To Fast. Pray. Contemplate. Grace.

THE DOOR BY AVA DuVERNAY

This film is so lush, it ought to come with a bottle of champagne.  Using fashion to tell a story.  I LOVE IT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

Blizzard 2013...An Opportunity for Inner Growth

There is nothing like a Blizzard to give you a reason to slow down and rest.  Really rest... my heart, my mind, my body. Aside from getting out to shovel shovel shovel.  The last several days have been gifts.  Seriously unexpected gifts of time to do whatever.

There is no where to go, no place to be.  Just me being home with kids of course.  Since my kids aren't babies anymore they find ways to entertain themselves without my constant involvement...except to referee some horrible injustice like... when do I get to watch my show?

I have no idea what I want to be doing in my big life.  And maybe that's my deal right now.  Not to know what's next.  To just move forward without a plan.  Move and allow God to direct.

My blog Sister Her Side left this post for me in response to my:

UUGHH! WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING? (Caps mean screaming)

 Her Side: My personal view: Wandering represents quiet and solace. It's much easier to recognize opportunity and purpose from that place than from a state of busyness...

So rather than get all wrapped up in trying to figure out what to do next.  I'll just cut myself some slack and move forward without a plan of sorts.  All the fears of time running out are all in my head. Time is.  There is no right or wrong time.  There is only moving as the spirit moves you to do so.

Bob Marley Makes Me A Believer.

“ Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

— Bob Marley

UUGHH! WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING? (Caps mean screaming)

There are so many moments in my life where i have met up with myself.... gotten to know what I was made of. Even as i feel like I am drifting, I don't feel lost.  I feel like I am treading water.  I am not drowning, but I am not swimming either.

I sorta feel like Dorothy as she says to Toto: Where to now?  The yellow Brick Road is never just a straight  endless walk... OK sometimes it is.  Maybe that's what I am experiencing, a straight walk .  There are no immediate decisions before me, just the usual ones that beg me to do right.  And by right I mean, do what is necessary to get to where I want to go.  WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT?

WHERE THE FUCK DO I WANT TO GO? Huh.  This is my real crux of the matter... I don't know where I want to go.  I don't know what I am working towards. I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

Oh dear.  I am digging way down deep now.  I thought if I just filled my days pursuing long held dreams that I would happily fall into my hearts desires.  I have and I haven't.  Man, I have done a lot of things in this life, a lot!  But none of it is anything I would want to do til I die.  Except drink wine.

This is where prayer and stillness will take you... to the abyss of your life and force you to look over and up toward GOD. I have been averting my eyes, focusing on outward movement and tuning out the inward movement.

Damn it.  Where am I going?  I feel like those Hebrews wandering in the woods...and I don't have 40 years to figure it out.  I don't know how much time I have... I just know that wondering/wandering around isn't purpose driven or, is it?

I don't feel anxious.  I feel worn thin.  I don't feel sad, just disillusioned.

What to do? Other than drown myself in really good wine and wild indiscriminate
sex.  SIGH.  Even half of that sentence has a snowballs' chance in hell of happening.

Let me just give myself some room to grow and develop. I don't have the energy to work it out here.