These are joyous and challenging days. I have the sense that I am where I am supposed to be, but there is a deep seeded sense of more to learn, do and be.
I am losing and winning all at the same time. There are radical truths that are running parallel to each other. I am serene and afraid at the same time. I am optimistic and pessimistic. I am existing between realities. I am broke and rich. I am hot and cold. I am happy and sad.
I know what to do and yet I am very stupid. I have what I need and yet I am drowning in lack. I am trying to swim as I drown. I am trying to be as I disappear. I am at odds and at peace. How can this be. How can I live in this state of duality. Maybe it's because I can't accept the realities of the now. Or maybe this is my truth right now and I gotta just deal with the dualities.
I am strong and weak. I am up and down. I love and hate equally. I want to live fully and yet I could lay down and die.
This has been my struggle for the better part of my life. I took a personality assessment and it said I am unbelievably lonely. Gee, I know. And yet I can't tolerate people for long periods of time...except for my kids. I find them delightful and interesting. But, then again there are times when they are too much to bear.
I am living in this dual state like it's normal and perhaps on some level it is. I am tired...all the fucking time.
But I keep moving. Because I am not some mother in Somalia desperate to feed her kids. I am not that woman in Afghanistan who just lost her son. So I have some perspective and God knows I need perspective That is saving grace. And no I don't have to look around the world for perspective. I can look to the neighborhoods in my city where folks are up against it. But that's not what I want to focus on. Maybe I am too focused on my own shit. Maybe I am spending way too much time feeling and thinking....duality again.
This is a remarkable time. I am seeing more patterns to my life...same shit happening over and over again. It is stunning what you can see about your life when you open your eyes and look for real. Maybe I have been too long for the fantasy of my life and not fully rooted in the reality. It this whining? Is it self-absorption?
I am ready for a new day. I am ready for not this.
I was thinking this period of my life was about Resurrection. My time to come again. Maybe I am being too premature for what is not happening. Maybe I am not paying enough attention to what is happening...in a positive light.
Maybe I could take a page form those Somali mothers.... love alone can take you farther than you ever imagined.