The Way To Love

I am contemplating what is really important to me at this stage of my life.  What am I doing and where do I want to go?  I used to have a great deal of anxiety about this. I know it was because I was measuring my life up against other folks.  I was looking outside of myself for validation and definition of success.

I wanted to be a woman who could achieve and accomplish things.  I wanted to soar and I wanted to be great and celebrated. And for a  good part of my life I was!  I was everywhere, doing everything, all at once.  I was on a meteoric rise, my star was bright and I was becoming the toast of the town.  People knew my name, my credentials were impressive and I was smart and beautiful.  And just like that it all burned down.

After the crash and burn and loss of just about everything, I am rebuilding my life.  I am taking stock of what matters to me.  Who do I want to be now?  Reinventing myself is no easy feat and yet here I am transitioning into a life that I am crafting solely on what feels good.  Imagine that.

My challenges are still epic and my personal life sucks.  But underneath all that, in between the desperation and fear, there are pockets of joy...little slices heaven.  This is how I know God is with me.  I see a flower and admire it's beauty.  I know God is with me, when I hear my children laughing and playing unaware of the internal struggles of my demons.  They are happy when I am happy.

I am giving up trying to orchestrate a life based on what I ought to want.  Instead I am building a life based on love and good things and comfort and joy.  I have not had enough of that so I want more.  I am stepping away from controlling everything in my universe (being in control is yet another myth).  I am yielding  into the day, into my life, into my relationships with kinfolks, friends, lover and God.

There is an ease that I want in my life and relationships.  I want to lay down my weapons of war and struggle.  I want to stop arguing and debating my point of view.  I want to be in love and I cannot be if I take up the sword at every turn.  I am not abdicating power, or giving up my rights, or looking to be the world's doormat.  I just know there has to be something more than being combative and afraid.  I must become the very thing I am seeking.  I am on the path...moving in the right direction.  I do believe the time is now to fully commit to this thinking and sense of being.  There is no going back.

I have found the way to love.  The path is right there before more.  The path is illuminated, beckoning come, walk forward, take the step.  Don't be afraid, lead with your heart and bring your head with you.  What I seek is right there. There is no time like the present to step forward.

The "Closure" Myth.. a bit revised

closure [ˈkləʊʒə]n

1. the act of closing or the state of being closed

2. an end or conclusion

3. something that closes or shuts, such as a cap or seal for a container

4. (Law / Parliamentary Procedure) (in a deliberative body) a procedure by which debate may be halted and an immediate vote taken See also cloture, guillotine, gag rule

5. Chiefly US

a.  the resolution of a significant event or relationship in a person's life

b.  a sense of contentment experienced after such a resolution

I have learned that "closure" is a myth in regards to relationships and folks who ask for it...seek it... are misguided souls in denial.  There is no such thing as closure.  There is only what you decide is the end of a thing.  It could be the end of a marriage, a long-term relationship, a job, friendship.  Closure is a myth!

We think we want closure because we can't accept the end of something so abruptly or without explanation.  We think we need and want PROOF?  As if behaviours aren't enough, as if we are blind and incapable of seeing what is presented.  We act as though we don't know who we are and we need reassurance that we are not crazy.

Closure for some validates an affair or infidelity, for others it confirms what we already know to be true...we are not where we ought to be.  Looking for "closure" keeps us trapped in an in unreality that does not serve us.  I can't say that I ever needed closure.  I knew that seeking "closure" was a trap, destined to keep you wondering and worrying about what if and never focused on the what is.  People tell you who they are all the time,  and we just refuse to see them or accept them.  For example if you want to be in a relationship with someone and they have excuses why they can't based on their behavior, and you get it into your head that if they would just say they don't want a relationship somehow this will give you closure! Do you see how foolish that can be?.  If you love someone who doesn't love you (love is a verb and you see that they are not returning your ardor) and you ask for "closure" you are a FOOL! It's not what we say it's what we do.

We all have been a FOOL! I have played the fool more times than I can say.  Love requires you to play and be the FOOL.  It's when you refuse to stop being the FOOL and you are seeking"closure" is a fool's game.

We have to understand what we want and what we are getting and what we need to satisfy our soul.  Looking for closure might just be another way to run from our lives.. to not look at the what is.

I am meditating on this thought.  I hope you will too and come come back and let me know your thoughts..

Start All Over Again - Dave Koz ft. Dana Glover

I LOVE this song! This is the song a Grown Woman sings as she is transitioning....as I am transitioning. I am moved by this song. It saves me every time I hear it.

I Thought I Was Lost....

On my way in the world
I thought I was lost

was lost


i thought i was lost

I ran into the arms of many


some good


bad


impossible


ridiculous

and then I stumbled upon


my soul mate


waiting


wanting


me only me



I stretched out my arms...wide...welcoming.


wrapping them around my one true love


the one I was meant for


born for


will die for

Will happily spend the rest of my life with.


On my way in the world
I thought I was lost


I was not. 
and I found

my heart's desire....



It was always ME.


Babz Rawls Ivy

Whitney Houston - I'm Every Woman

I am feeling very "I am Every Woman" today! Plus Whitney never looked more beautiful than this video. So I got my runway stride and I am ready to hit the streets!

SPIRITUALLY GROWING UP

Sometimes the road ahead is a lone journey.  All those that were hanging around have faded away.  I used to be saddened by the loss of friendships.  I would lay awake wondering what did I do to drive someone away.  Why had the friendship/loveship soured and dissolved? I would wring my hands and heart over a failed attempt at intimacy.  Why can't shit last?  I would cry over and over what could I have done, who could I have become to keep friends/lovers?  I was whining about this just awhile ago.  Feeling all sorry and drained.  Hanging my hopes and dreams on some fantasy that I concocted for my "Happily Ever After".  I spent so much time beating myself up about behaving and being worthy.  Oh my GOD I made myself sick with ego driven wishes, desires and wants!

And today is the magical day it happened.  I had to SPIRITUALLY GROW UP!  I had to be deliberate in NOT thinking about me and my wishes, hopes and dreams and focus on my behaviors.  What am I doing to to live a more fully celebrated life?  Was I being a blessing to someone other than ME?

I spiritually grew up by realizing, that friends and lovers weren't leaving me...they delivered the message I needed when I needed it. They stayed long enough to bring me gifts and lessons and comfort if needed for the journey ahead.  They held the mirror up for me and showed me who I was and offered me opportunity to make changes or continue on for the continued lesson(s).  We always get the same lesson over and over until we learn and are ready for the test.  I have noticed the patterns of my life...folks have come and gone and come again.  What looked like abandonment and heartbreak, is on second long glance, gifts for my soul.  Pearls of wisdom to help me become more of who I am supposed to be.  Breaking my heart was not their purpose, teaching me a lesson about who I am and who I will become was always the reason for their being in my life.  I just had to see it from spiritually mature eyes and heart.

I am a GROWN WOMAN. A woman transitioning into the next phase of this life journey.  I take steps ahead and tumble backwards.  I am wise and foolish.  I am smart and simple.  I am beautiful.  The goal now is to recognize the gifts as they show up and be grateful and open for their inherent meaning. 

Always asking: Who Am I? What Do I Want?

PLAY SPENT

Play SPENT

Urban Ministries of Durham (UMD) will challenge the way you think about poverty and homelessness.

Work hard. Do the right thing. Homelessness is something that will never happen to me. Sometimes, all it takes is one life-changing experience to land you on the streets: a job loss, death of a loved one, divorce, natural disaster, or serious illness.

Next thing you know, a chain of events sends your life spiraling out of control…

How would you cope? Where would you go? What would you do? Figure something out, right?

We invite you to take the challenge… Play SPENT



What if you had nowhere else to go? No other options? No one to call upon? No network of support?

We all need somebody sometimes, especially when life throws you challenges. Urban Ministries of Durham (UMD) is where many turn for help. They have simply run out of options and have nowhere else to turn. They need help with life’s most basic needs—but they also need somebody to offer them hope, to give them a vision of a better tomorrow, and to encourage them to keep on trying and to not give up.