TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: RATIONING LOVE

When did loving someone cost so much? What is it about telling someone you love, that you LOVE them? Yes, some of us are good at telling our family and close friends how much we love them. I tell my children a thousand times a day. They tell me just as many times. Sometimes they yell for me just to say MOM I love you! It always catches me off guard.

What is it about these three giant words that terrifies folks? There seems to be a rule book...albeit a very misinforming and gripping rule book out there that sets the guidelines for our loveships. I have heard people say to me, I can't possibly tell him I love him, He will have the upper hand. Or I can't be first telling her that I love her. Or my personal favorite It's too soon. I need to wait. On first glance these seem reasonable. No one wants to be vulnerable. Maybe you are unsure as to how the other person feels or maybe you just met them a few months/days/years ago and time seems like a good measure for how things progress before you utter those life changing words. I advocate for choosing love over fear. If you feel love, know love and believe love, then say, act, do LOVE.

Love is the one thing EVERY ONE wants, but we are ALL cowards in our war on love. So we go about withholding our love...RATIONING LOVE because to give it away is too costly. Now I am not suggesting that we just throw love around casually or am I? I mean we share our bodies casually. We think nothing of engaging in illicit sexual acts with strangers...not friends mind you, who care about us. We happily lay down with folks who DO NOT LOVE US...but love the act of sex. We easily explain away the casualness of casual sex and we trip, fumble and fall in getting and keeping loveships. We convince ourselves that we are saving our love for that special someone. We don't hold our bodies in high regard as we do our hearts. We do not connect love and sex, we act like they are not connected. We can have one without the other. But why would you want to? I am asking myself this. This is not a judgement. I am working this out...connecting the dots in my own life because I am realizing, I am not a casual woman. I thought I could be. I tried to be. I am not. I am a woman made for love. Aren't we all people made for love? If not then we have lots of work to do!

If we disconnect ourselves from love so easily to share our bodies, then why can't we love folks before bodies even touch? I ask again, what is it about love and saying I love you that costs us so much that we are willing to deny ourselves and the world around us the very thing that brings peace, joy and happiness to our world?

I am giving up disconnecting love and sex. I am no longer interested in one without the other. So my celibacy continues. I am holding out for love. I am apologizing to myself for trying to compromise my heart and body.

I am done rationing LOVE.

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: LIFE LESSONS

I believe that life is full of lessons. Some repetitive and some completely what I need at that moment to move me forward. If I am stubborn and unyielding I am destined to repeat the lesson until duh I get it! Sometimes the lessons are painful...like a knife to the heart. My divorce was like that. The relationship ended. But it hasn't ended really. I mean we are still in each other's life because we have children. So the romantic part has ended but the parental role remains.

Is anything really over? Yes. But some things remain. They remain because we have to grow better in our humanity, and we have to learn love. When one relationships is over and done it does not mean every relationship in your life ends. Nor does it mean you will never get another loveship. Now if you do not grow and look at your role in the demise of the relationship. Guess what? You will get the same relationship again until you learn the lesson. Sometimes you do things right and the lesson is saying you are doing things right with the wrong mate.

Life lessons are maps to move us forward. To get us to be in the moment. To enjoy the here and now. And to see who we fully are.

I hold no illusions about who I am. I maybe a queen, but I am no princess. I have weathered storms. I have loved. I have learned some lessons that got me right here right now. I am in love with the woman I am. I know the lessons in front of me are teaching me how to be more of myself in the grandest way.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: KEEPING THE FAITH

I am not one of those folks that likes to chase folks down about my faith. I do not try to convert folks nor do I try to ram my faith perspective down some one's throat. I do not run around quoting scripture.

My faith is a deep and abiding that carries me. Sustains me. Heals me. Nourishes me. When someone believes something different that I, I do not think or say they are wrong. I am actually interested in learning about why they believe what they believe. I am convinced that we are more connected through God. I love the study of the divine and I am still on the fence about applying to the Yale Divinity School. They have been gracious in accommodating my restless spirit.

I know what God has done in my life. I am a living breathing miracle. I have overcome much and I remain joyful and happy to greet the day. Thank you is the last words I say at night and the first thing I say in the morning.

I keep the faith. In the darkest hour. In the grandest celebrations. Even in my own ignorance. In my own shortcomings. In love. I keep the faith.

God IS. I Believe.

WHAT NUMBER ARE YOU? A LITTLE BLOG FUN

I got this from my FAB Blog Sister Eb, The Celeb. I think it is pretty darn accurate. Take the quiz and let me know what your number is!

Have a little blog fun!

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic. At Your Best: You are deeply giving, altruistic, and humble. You devote your life to others while caring for yourself too. At Your Worst: You are manipulative and enjoy making other people guilty. Your Fixation: Rejection Your Primary Fear: Being unworthy of love Your Primary Desire: To be loved unconditionally Other Number 2's: Mother Teresa, John Travolta, Princess Diana, Dr. Phil, and Mr. Rogers.

What Number Are You?

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TIME IS NOT HEALING

Time passing is not healing. What heals me is the choice I make to get over or beyond something. Time is really irrelevant. There is no set time in getting over old hurts, wounds, disappointments, mistakes and missteps. There is no set rule as to when a broken heart ought to be mended.

I know that when I want to stay stuck, I wallow in the thing that is causing me grief. I go back to the perceived injustice and think it through over and over and over again. And if that wasn't enough I will talk it over with my "True Love" friends until I am sick of hearing my own voice. By this point the light bulb turns on and I realize that I can make a choice here. That I should just shut the fuck-up about the perceived injustice and keep it moving. Dwelling on the thing, event, person, situation, does not bring clarity. It only makes me STUCK. And when I am stuck there is no chance for other things, people, events, situations to move in or out of my life...DUH!

I am no martyr. I do not like suffering. But sometimes I get in my own way and I hang on to pain way too long. As if there is something noble about suffering. I prefer to be happy...even in the face of adversity. Even in the face of loss and grief and pain...I prefer to be happy. Happiness is not about time put in, or time spent. Happiness is about being. Being in this moment in way that allows you to see who you are right now. To accept and revere the blessings right now. There is no better time to be blessed, happy, joyful and in love than right now.

...LOVE waits on welcome, not on time....A Course in Miracles

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREGORY...CELEBRATING 10!

My beautiful son turned 10 today! He was waiting for 10 for a long time. He believes it is the beginning of magical times ahead. I have to agree!

Gregory arrived when he 5 years old. That is an undesirable age for a kid waiting to be adopted. No one wants a kid older than 3. Most folks feel that any child over 3 will be a problem. They would be right. And so what. Yes Gregory has a lot of issues and we are managing them as they arise. His issues have nothing to do with him deserving and needing a loving caring family. I love him with all his issues. I love him because he has a fighting spirit and a will to get to the next day. He is my son and he deserves a mother's love.

His gift was a brand new bike. As a matter of fact I got all 4 kids new bikes. Now so many didn't see the logic in this. As if giving them all a bike takes away the specialness of the day. Well a candle is not diminished when it lights another candle. My other 3 children could happily celebrate Gregory's birthday with him. I could not just get him a bike while the others just look on. So I got them all bikes! Now this is not he norm. But this gift was a big deal and it warranted a big effort.

I want for my son to grow up knowing that there are folks in the world that care about his happiness, his well being and his spirit. I want my son to continue on the path of being a loving, kind and gentle soul. He is smart and funny and silly. He is a strong child. Stronger than he ought to be at that age. He has seen too much, experienced too much before he arrived home. It's been five years since his arrival and I have seen the grand sweeping changes. I see the anger subsiding. I see the fear diminishing. He is trusting me. He is trusting the community I built to support him. I cannot imagine my life without him.

Happy Birthday dearest Gregory! You are so beautiful to me!

I AM MY GIFT

I am turning my attention to my weight. I am heavier that I should be. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not like it. Try as I might I have not made real peace with this weight.

I have been an athlete my entire life...except for the last 12 years. The last 12 years I grew complacent. I settled into this weight like a bear settling in for winter hibernation. I got by on, well I wear clothes that flatter, or I am tall. Yes I am all those things and FAT.

So I am taking this on again. Not in a whining way, or a beat myself up sort of way. But in a gentle, focused and loving way. Yes I said I would not talk about weight ever again. But how can I not. There is a small voice in me that says...unhappiness. Carrying the weight is really carrying unhappiness.

So I am taking cues from my beautiful blog Sisters Go Bytch, Sharon and Flutter. No, I am not putting my self on Youtube like Sister Sharon, nor am I going to photograph my progress like Flutter. I will keep running posts as updates from now until my 46th birthday, May 2, 2009.

I am giving up beer and wine and tequila. Will have some for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Champagne for New Year's. I have started a Mindful Meditation class that meets every Friday from 9-11 am for the next 8 weeks. I am going to the gym every morning after I do my carpooling. I am putting myself at the top of my list. No one will suffer. Children will be taken care of as always and their needs will not be neglected. I must however make a commitment to myself.

I am my gift.